Some things happen in the blink of an eyelash–like when you are prepping the night before your colonoscopy and you drink that cocktail from the pharmacist. “OMG! LOOK OUT DEAR I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM… NOW!!!”
Christmas is much the same. There is so much shopping to do, baking to be done, and more running around than your dog going in circles trying to get that damn Christmas bow off its tail.
So, with only a few sleeps until Christmas, here is the 2017 Living Retired Christmas Checklist…
#1. FIND A PARKING SPOT AT THE MALL.
Forget it. Christmas shoppers swooped in and grabbed all the parking spots at mall parking lots after the Halloween sales were over in April! But there is some good news. Malls recognize their customers needs are changing so they are assigning convenient parking spaces; look for the signs: “Baby Boomers With Onset Toe Fungus’, ‘Grandfathers Kicked In The Groin Lifting The Grandkids Into Their Car Seat’ and ‘Foul-Mouthed Soccer Moms.’ Nothing yet for ‘Middle Age Men With Gas.’
#2. HOST A CHRISTMAS OPEN HOUSE.
Sorry you’re out of luck. If you haven’t installed a new kitchen granite countertop–and then covered it up with picture frames of your grandchildren, arranged some dead rose petals in a potpourri dish, and placed a Peppermint Schnapps scented soy candle from Pier 1 beside a sculpture that resembles a Yak in heat–what’s the purpose of having your friends over?
#3. PURCHASE GLUE GUN INSURANCE.
Many people make homemade gifts for Christmas. You know, useful things for around the house–toaster covers, oven mitts, and generally anything that requires a glue gun to stick decorative scraps leftover from vacuuming the sewing room floor. Your homeowners insurance policy requires a special rider to rebuild your home when you neglect to unplug the glue gun and your 2-story, 4-bedroom home with attached 2-car garage is reduced to ashes. And of course health coverage for that quick trip to the ER for the 3rd degree burns to your fingers you’ll suffer while making felt doilies.
#4. EAT AT A MALL FOOD COURT.
Nutritionists–people who go to university for a 4-year degree in food science so they can learn how to tell people to eat carrot sticks and celery–realize that Christmas shoppers need nourishment and will stop off at the mall food court. Remember: the more you eat of that fried food the more you’ll develop zits like the teenagers who are serving you–and learning lifelong customer service skills such as “Can I help the next person in line?”
#5. MAKE A PHOTOCOPY OF YOUR BUM ON THE OFFICE ZEROX MACHINE.
Although most employers aren’t serving alcohol at their office parties this year it doesn’t mean you can’t continue the Christmas tradition of photocopying your body parts. Just remember to be courteous and top up the toner cartridge for the next person.
#6. PUT UP A CHRISTMAS TREE THAT FALLS DOWN.
By now you should have already had ‘The Argument To End All Arguments!” It began when the family drove to one of those Christmas tree farms that ‘Guarantees Fresh Trees With Crooked Trunks.’ It’s a tradition that your wife will bring a thermos of hot chocolate to scald the kids lips; and by the time you return home they will have peed in their snow suits and your dog will have pine needles in his paws. The ‘Argument To End All Arguments’ takes place with your wife holding your ankles while you are perched on the top of a ladder nailing rope into the ceiling to keep the tree upright. Your wife will shake her head and mutter, “Never again!”
#7. HAVE YOUR ONCE-A-YEAR DINNER WITH YOUR CLOSE RELATIVES.
It’s the time of year that families welcome their extended family to their home saying, “Merry Christmas. We haven’t seen you since last Christmas.” Maybe it’s because last year their kids fed the fake silver icicles on the Christmas tree to your cat; then overdosed on sugar draining the Christmas candy dish before screaming, “Where’s your bathroom? I’m gonna puke!”
#8. PLAN FOR THE BEST; PREPARE FOR THE WORST.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise that when you leave it to your husband to buy the turkey that he’ll come home with something that’ll need an oven the size of Kentucky to cook it. And forget calling the Butterball turkey hotline for help–they don’t have answers for stupidity either.
#9. RENEW YOUR MEDICATIONS.
Experts recommend replenish your prescription medications through the holidays. For baby boomers this means: blood pressure, cholesterol, antidepressant, arthritis, heartburn/indigestion, nausea, diarrhea, eyesight, sleeping pills, iron supplements, daily aspirin, vitamin D, nasal spray, stool softener, multivitamins… and through the holidays remedies for overeating and over-drinking.
Getting ready for the holidays is such fun.