Yesterday someone said to me, You are really well-preserved for your age.
I said, What do I look like, a jar of Smuckers?
While genes play a part in how we look by the time our grandkids are in college or have married and have rug rats of their own, so does that free dose of Vitamin D we call sunshine. It was supposed to be good for us.
How about climate? Harsh winters can numb your face and turn your heart into a piece of frozen watermelon. Who knew?
We of the legendary peaches and cream complexions (also known as Southern Belles) have always known that living South of the Mason-Dixon is like taking up residence at the Eternity Spa.
Well, fiddily dee, says the Scarlett clone, batting Llama eyes, why on earth do Yankees complain about humidity? That’s what makes my skin feel so precious. I’ll just nevah understand why we lost that old war.
My Southern mother had good skin. She left it to me when she died as part of my inheritance. No money, just good skin, but I’m not complaining. Without her peaches and cream inheritance, I would have been given the label, well-preserved, long before now.
Mama was thoughtful enough to leave me her hands too, but not right away. I only discovered them the other day when I was trying to bend down and tie my shoes without falling on my face and breaking my daddy’s inherited nose.
Yikes! How did these old hands they get attached to my arms?
They were covered with big brown freckle spots as though someone had been painted them on. I began to wonder about other body parts I hadn’t seen for a while. Like my navel.
This is going to sound paranoid, but pay attention. I am convinced that we may have been invaded by aliens. They steal parts of our body while we sleep and replace them with old, worn out parts they dig up from fresh graves.
It must be embalming fluid, not Botox, that makes me look like a jar of Smuckers.
Editor’s Note: Cappy Hall Rearick is a humor columnist for the Lowcountry Sun in Charleston, South Carolina. She is the author of four published books. Visit her at www.simplysoutherncappy.com.