I’m telling you. It’s like I’m a new man!
It began when my wife gave me my gifts for Christmas. Bang! Just like that I’ve been restaged. I’M ALL NEW FOR 2017!
Jan is onto something so special that I’m convinced she’s discovered the perfect elixir that can transform millions of football obsessed, Frank’s hot sauce crazed, beer guzzling baby boomer husbands.
Women, imagine your sweetheart not wearing relax fit jeans. I’m not! Jan even remarks that my days of ‘baggy bum’ are a thing of the past– like Obama care.
Do you know how nice it’ll be when your husband comes to bed– without sticking a nasal strip on his nose!
AND– this you won’t believe– no longer will your husband get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and scream at the top of his lungs when he trips over all those Pier 1 decorator pillows scattered on the floor!
Now I know that’s a tall order. But I’m going to deliver the goods.
What I’m about to share with you has nothing to do with putting your husband on a diet. Believe it or not he won’t have to eat tofu, kale or quinoa. No more chia seeds!
Simply purchase the six gifts for your husband that Jan gave me at Christmas. That’s it!!
About now I’m sure you’re saying, “Come on Gary. You’re making this sound all too simple. Sort of like Donald Trump bragging he will solve terrorism in his first 30 days in office.”
Well, you can be a naysayer…
Or, you can take what I’m saying to the bank. Who knows, maybe your husband will become a Fabio lookalike. I mean can you dream sitting across from your husband at the dinner table– but now he’s got Fabio’s shoulder length hair and he’s posing on covers of romance novels! Pure beefcake!
First gift: shaving cream. The tube says ‘gentle way to a close shave. The way to a thorough and protected shave with a creamy micro-foam containing sea minerals and vitamin E.’ As a result it says my skin looks healthy and smooth; and feels relaxed and comfortable.
Second gift: Since Christmas, I’ve been using a deodorant, that according to the cap provides ’24 hour freshness. Maximum confidence.’ The packaging promises, ’24-hour odour fighting formula, feel clean, masculine and confident.’ Heck, this stuff even comes with what they describe as a ‘comfort guard applicator for comfort and control.’
Full disclosure: it was a leap of faith for me to toss out my deodorant with packaging that said– you have to trust me!- ‘Dropkicked odour for 24-hours. Containing odour fighting atomic robots that shoot lasers at your stench monsters.’ Even I couldn’t come up with that line of copy!
Third gift: new blue jeans. Now I’m not talking about just any blue jeans. These are M6 Euro Fit Handsome + Stonewash, Enzyme + Perlite jeans. These things are snug. The label says they sit at my waste, are straight through the hip and thigh. I’m telling you I can’t walk past a mirror without sneaking a peek at my cheeks!
Fourth gift: egg poacher/skillet. I’m now cooking my breakfast eggs in a pan with ‘a thick radiating aluminum base that has lasting durability. Comes with a tempered glass lid– with vent. Experience the quality.’
Hang in. You’ve almost got everything you’ll need…
Fifth gift: can opener. This beauty is ‘stainless steel with a comfortable soft grip, and even has its own built-in bottle opener.’ What’s not to like?
Sixth gift: wine glasses. This German-made glass wear is ‘The class of glass. High performance at every occasion. Brilliant clarity. Improved breakage resistance and certified dishwasher safe.’
Note to women planning to transform their husbands by following Jan’s gifting strategy: DO NOT, repeat DO NOT include a gift certificate for ballroom dancing lessons! That’s pushing the envelope!