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Stick a Fork in Kitchen Renos

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Stick a Fork in Kitchen Renos

AFL’s Gary Chalk

The survey numbers don’t lie.

82% of married couples say renovating their kitchen increased the value of their home.

18%– husbands with big screen televisions– said, “We have a kitchen?”

Everybody agreed: the kitchen makeover pushed their family debt to a level equal to the rate of inflation found in the countries Putin invades.

So let’s examine why kitchen renovations are so expensive?

It’s simple..

A kitchen makeover is the home version of an easy-peasy government project that goes horribly wrong.

Kitchen renovations involve a number of what are called ‘stages.’ Each stage represents a distinct aspect of the job. And of course each stage has its own nuances. A nuance is another way of saying ‘you blew the budget!’

The first stage is called the ‘Planning Phase.’ Women are aware of the ‘Planning Phase’– men are too busy watching football on television to realize their wife still resides in the house!

The ‘Planning Phase’ is an exciting time of a kitchen renovation project. This is because there are no rules or boundaries– AKA: money is no object.

The next phase is also the domain of women. It’s called the ‘Picking My Colours Phase.’

During the ‘Picking My Colours Phase’ a woman’s mind is totally consumed by itty bitty postage stamp size pieces of coloured paper called paint chips. It’s almost as if she doesn’t know that the outside world exists– just like Trump. Here’s what I mean…

“Dear, I’m down in the basement– you gotta come! Quick! The sump pump isn’t working! It’s like Lake Erie! Holy smoke!!”

From upstairs, “Honey, what about this colour for the kitchen cupboards? It’s from a designer collection featured on one of those cable television shows. The colour is called Coastal Red and Pink: CRAP!”

“HOLY CRAP honey! I’m telling you we need a plumber. NOW!”

You’ll know the kitchen makeover is nearing the ‘Construction Phase’ when your wife starts with the mantra, “It’s Coming Together.”

The ‘It’s Coming Together Phase’ is another way of saying the custom cabinets, the engineered hardwood flooring, the Vitreous China sink, the one-handle kitchen faucet with matching pullout handle, the imported Italian tile back splash… and the smudge-proof stainless steel appliances require one final blessing: the bank!

At last. It’s time for the ‘Construction Phase.’ Well, sort of….

You see, somewhere in the municipal building code– that illegal immigrant carpenters are mandated by law to follow– it is written that the builder you hired will go AWOL!

As a result, the ‘Construction Phase’ features a series of unanswered threatening voicemail messages AND a string of nasty emails between the homeowner and the builder.

However, read the small print in the municipal building code. It states: ‘At the discretion of the wife, she can demand that her husband take the lead in harassing the no-show builder.’

“Hi ¥#€%!!!! It’s me AGAIN! You were supposed to show up last month. You’ll be hearing from my #\€#-lawyer who will threaten you with affidavits containing the word ‘egregious.’

We’re almost there…

All that is left is the ‘Decor Item Phase’… AKA: in-filling. The ‘Decor Item Phase’ is sponsored by Pier 1 and Urban Barn.

A successful in-fill is when you can’t see a stitch of evidence whatsoever of all the money you spent on your kitchen renovation. It’s buried under an eclectic collection of knick knacks– numbering in the thousands.

The decor items include, but are not limited to, a myriad of assorted picture frames with photos of your grandchildren before they puked all over their Christmas pyjamas, cheap colour-coordinated vases, weird wire wall sculptures, fake flickering candles, and fire-retardant artificial topiaries!!

“Honey. Is there a good reason you decided to display a wood carving of an aardvark in heat on the new granite countertop?”

No designer kitchen is complete until the Kleenex boxes in complimentary colours have been put out. Which leads me to one final detail– although likely the most important one.

DO NOT use these Kleenex tissues. They are for display only.

It’s in the fine print in the municipal building code.

Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada’s Dave Barry– usually by tax collectors who don’t have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he’ll pay any taxes owing!
As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ which transforms audiences into a ‘wrinkle-free zone’ where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife’s dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream! His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit www.LivingRetired.press.

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