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Reading Television by Gary Chalk

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Reading Television by Gary Chalk
Gary Chalk

Gary Chalk

You know when we do most of our reading these days? When we watch television!

I’m not talking about picking up a book while you sit in front of the television.

Work with me…

In the good old days families would gather in the living room to watch television. The remote control hadn’t been invented so fathers had to put down their Popular Mechanics magazine and walk all the way across the living room to the television. This walk was part of the Royal Canadian Air Force 5BX Fitness Plan– turning on the television qualified as stretching and walking.

When dad reached the television he would twist a dial on top of the television cabinet. This would rotate the antenna which was located either on top of the roof, or after a storm would be laying at a 45-degree angle across your neighbours roof!

If successful, the antenna would bring in the channel you wanted to watch just about clear enough so that you could make out the difference between Hoss and Little Joe on Bonanza. And that was it: the kids would watch the television show, dad would read the newspaper…and mom would go to the kitchen to make the school lunches for the next day.

But these days you don’t watch television, you read television. And my eyes can’t take it anymore!

Here’s what I mean…

CNN is all news all the time. But that’s ONLY if you can see the news on the screen…

Of course the logo is always on the screen. To be clear the logo is the stylized red and white script of the letters CNN, not Wolf Blitzer who is also always on CNN.

In little tiny itty bitty letters below the logo is the time– Pacific Time, Eastern Time, Mountain Time, and the time until you need to change the hepa filter in your vacuum cleaner.

Across the bottom of the screen is what they refer to as ‘the crawl.’ The crawl has nothing to do with Wolfs wife crawling into the studio out of the range of the camera and opening a canister of pepper spray, demanding that he return home, “Please. Just once!”

The crawl moves from right to left and updates exactly what the announcer has just reported! Think of it like your wife telling you to make sure you pick up the grandkids at day care today– but without her saying, “Dear, can you please be on time?”

This morning the crawl is reporting the NFL scores, the player injuries and the latest players to be charged with a crime.

Above the bottom of the screen crawl is– surprise– another crawl line! This one shows the weather in major American cities.

Your eyes can’t help but be lured to the next verbiage. It is a series of three lines- each in a different colour. The first line is bright fire engine red: ‘EXCLUSIVE.’ This word is owned by CNN. They also have a trade mark on ‘BREAKING NEWS’ and ‘DEVELOPING NEWS.’

This hours ‘BREAKING NEWS’ says something about Hilary Clinton having pneumonia. Immediately the words ‘DEVELOPING NEWS’ reads that Donald Trump is considering calling 1-800-FLOWERS and ordering the ‘I TOLD YOU SHE WAS SICK’ arrangement.

Two words on the screen ‘2016 ELECTION’ have been there for going on four years now. That’s the bad news. The good news is the graphic artists are already hard at work developing something to replace these words come November. The choices are: ‘ELECTION 2020.’

There’s so much to read watching television that when an advertisement comes on for reverse mortgages it’s a rest for my weary eyes.

The news resumes, and so does my reading of the news. On the television screen there are red block words: ‘NEW DEVELOPMENTS.’ They’ve got my attention….

It’s something about doctors have prescribed medication for Clintons pneumonia– she’s to take it every four hours with water. Producers are assembling a panel of democrats and republicans to debate whether it should be bottled water- sparkling, or tap water.

Yep. Television news is all the news that’s fit to be printed.
Upcoming Living Retired keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ September 13, 2016: Woodstock Probus Club, Woodstock Ontario.
There’s more laughs at http://LivingRetired.press
Gary Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press
BREAKING NEWS or is it ALMOST NEWS: Gary Chalk is now a member of Humor Writers of America. Living Retired is also featured in After Fifty Living.

Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada’s Dave Barry– usually by tax collectors who don’t have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he’ll pay any taxes owing!
As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ which transforms audiences into a ‘wrinkle-free zone’ where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife’s dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream! His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit www.LivingRetired.press.

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