What you are about to read is the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth.
So help me Maytag Lonely Repairman.
Here’s what happened…
Years ago, Jan and I agreed to purchase a Maytag washer and dryer.
We were convinced Maytag was a trusted brand. This was based on exhaustive research: Jan’s comment, “Gary, I feel sorry for that poor Maytag lonely repairman. In the commercials he’s always sitting around looking forlorn waiting for something to do.”
I agreed. I mean when was the last time a repairman came to your house wearing a shirt, a bowtie and a bus drivers hat? A repairman with no greasy fingers and a belt that holds his pants in place when he bends over is hard to imagine.
The next thing we had to do was save enough money to buy Maytag laundry appliances.
So as a responsible, mature couple we decided to follow the money saving technique that college students throughout North America were taught: the ‘Drink Cheap Wine in Your Dorm Savings Plan.’
The ‘Drink Cheap Wine in Your Dorm Savings Plan’ required broke university students to consume massive quantities of Mateus wine.
Eventually, when you were sober enough to return all the empties– with hardened candle wax dribbled down the bottles– you collected enough money, in our case, to afford a Maytag washer and dryer!
Across the top of our washing machine it reads, ‘Maytag Dependable Care, Quiet Plus, Heavy Duty, 2 Speed, Super Capacity, 10 Cycles washing machine.’ Yep, they had all that stuff back when we purchased it in 1998.
In fact when we bought our Maytag Dependable Care, Quiet Plus, Heavy Duty, 2 Speed, Super Capacity, 10 Cycles washing machine, TIDE was… well…TIDE!
It may have been ‘New & Improved.’ Well, okay maybe even ‘Lemon Scented Tide.’
I’m pretty sure it was after ‘Removes Tough Stains.’
Perhaps it was just before ‘Contains Enzymes So Say Goodbye To Stains.’
For sure it was before ‘Cold Water Tide.’
Anyway, about five months ago our Maytag Dependable Care, Quiet Plus, Heavy Duty, 2 Speed, Super Capacity 10 Cycles washing machine began to develop the shakes.
I’d say it was early November– about the time Trump became president. I concluded the tremors coming from Democrats somehow seeped underground north of the border. I figured the groundswell was converted into an energy that somehow attacked our washing machine. I’m just saying.
Then a month ago it happened…
Jan hollered, “Gary, come quick to the laundry room. The washing machine is really shaking. It’s like a bowl of jelly.”
I arrived and took one look and corrected her, “Dear, this machine is shaking more like a fat lady’s bum on a treadmill!”
I should have known better. Jan threw her arms in the air and stormed out of the room.
Left to myself to figure out what was wrong with the washing machine I did what any middle age guy would do: I went back to watching golf on television.
Two days later I was still watching golf on television— the foursome had made it to the second tee– there was a loud CRASH!
Jan’s deafening scream drowned out the guy at the golf tournament who hollers, ‘IN THE HOLE!’ every time Tiger Woods tees off!
“Gary, it sounds like dishes breaking!”
Guys I’m telling you– to my discerning ears– it was more like beer bottles breaking: Coors Light, 24 ounce; or maybe Budweiser. For sure it wasn’t Michelob Ultra Lite.
Before you knew it, there was another crash. And another. The crashes were happening at a wicked pace– approaching the frequency of Trumps tweets during the night!
We traced it to the dining room. Jan opened the china cabinet. We were gobsmacked!
Right there in amongst the four complete sets of oversize decorative dinner plates in vibrant designer colours– alongside the oblong-shaped stark black 12-piece dinner set and the square-shaped stark white 12-piece dinner set– were the remnants of three broken wine glasses.
We felt sick. These weren’t any wine glasses, but part of the 12-piece lead-free, crystal Burgundy glasses and 12-piece lead-free, crystal Sauvignon glasses!
It turns out the shaking of the washing machine vibrated right through to the opposite side of the wall. The china cabinet picked up the beat and soon the wine glasses danced right off the edge of the shelf!
Jan and I stood in silence. Across town, I could hear the sales staff at Pier One and Urban Barn rubbing their hands in glee.
As I stood consoling Jan, more glasses on the shelf began shaking. The more they shook, the more they inched over to the edge of the shelf and were about to topple!
I ran faster than when you’re prepping the night before your colonoscopy– but this time to the washing machine and hit Stop.
Then, we sat back and capped off this teaching moment. No wine glasses. Instead we passed a bottle of wine- New Zealand Marlborough region Sauvignon blanc.
I told you I couldn’t make this up.
Gary Chalk, a retired Canadian baby boomer is a member of Humor Writers of America. Each week 3,000 people across North America read Living Retired. To unsubscribe or to book Gary’s keynote address, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press
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