Laverne's View

Laverne's View: Who Am I Kidding

Share This Post

I don’t linger over the fact that I’m disintegrating at jet speed. Instead, I wake up each morning in a positive frame of mind. I think about all I’d like to accomplish that day: marketing, laundry, bungee jumping. Then I hang my feet over the edge of the bed, prepare to stand and ……….. Ouch. Groan. Moan……… Wait! I really AM decaying. But, if it’s a good day I may make it across the room without looking like Quasimodo. 

I’m glad I retired when I did otherwise I would never have had time for all my medical  appointments. I’ve lost count how many surgeries I’ve had. My last three were to open tear ducts that had seared closed, leaving my tears without a channel to flow through, so they filled my eyes, overflowed and ran down my cheeks. It was like looking at the world through a fish tank.  

Tear ducts were not on the list of body parts I imagined rotting during the aging process. But, if I didn’t want to walk through life with smudged eye liner and hearing people ask why I’m crying, surgery was necessary to re-open the ducts.  

The nurse phoned and wanted me to schedule a follow up visit. With a heavy Island accent she said, “We really need to see you soon. You’re a Polestop.” 

“I’m a Polestop?” I asked. 

“Yes,” she confirmed, “a Polestop.” 

“I’ve never heard of that. How is that spelled? Is it P-o-l-e-s-t-o-p?” 

“Yes,” she answered. 

I hung up the phone, went to my computer and googled Polestop. Nothing came up, so I asked Mighty Marc if he’d ever heard the term. He laughed. Much too loud. 

“WHAT?” I asked. “What’s so funny?” 

“Vernie,” he said condescendingly, “She was saying Post Op.” 

“Post Op? That would make sense, but she agreed with my P-o-l-e-s-t-o-p spelling.”     “Obviously, she wasn’t listening.” 

I liked his explanation. It meant I wasn’t stupid. Just slow. 

All three surgeries were unsuccessful, so I resorted to having eyeliner tattooed on my upper and lower eyelids. My eyes still drip but I no longer have to worry about my eyeliner makeup smearing. At least I have my priorities straight. 

My next surgery is supposed to be for cataracts but after receiving a phone call from my cousin Phyllis, I’m not sure I want to go through with it.

Phyllis told me about her husband’s recent cataract surgery, and how he regrets having had it.

“He’s so upset,” she said. “It was shortly after the surgery. I was in the kitchen and Al was upstairs in the bathroom when he let out a blood curdling scream. With my heart pounding in my throat I flew up the stairs, expecting to find him sprawled out on the floor. Instead, I found him standing in front of the mirror with a stunned expression on his face.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“I'm old!” he cried out. “I’m friggin’ old.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked him.

“Look at these disgusting brown blotches all over my face. What are they?”

“Al,” I answered him. “For months I've been telling you to see a dermatologist and have those things removed. They’re Liver spots.”

“You don’t understand,” he whined. “I never saw them before. And when did I develop steamer trunks under my eyes?”

“You've had bags under your eyes for years,” she said.

“But, I never saw them either. I’m old. I’m really old. I’m glad I didn’t opt for the procedure that would allow me to throw my glasses away. I want my glasses. I need my glasses. In fact I’m never taking my glasses off. They nestle nicely into my bags, and conceal them.”

I started thinking how strange it is that no matter how old we are we never say, “I’m old.”  Al is the first person I know to verbalize it. Everyone else says, “I’m getting old,” or “I’m getting up there,” but nobody admits to being there. If I weren’t concerned about causing mass destruction on the road, I’d never have my cataracts removed. I’m not anxious to discover that I have brown splotches and undulating jowls. I prefer to see my reflection through hazy, cloudy eyes that fool me into thinking I may be getting up there, but I’m not there yet.

Laverne H. Bardy’s humor column, Laverne’s View, has been syndicated with Senior News Wire Services since 2004, and is read in newspapers throughout the United States, Canada and India. She wrote for 50 Plus Monthly, a regional New Jersey newspaper, where loyal readers laughed at her humor from 1999 to 2009. Currently she blogs for Huffington Post’s “Fifty” section, and writes for us here at  www.AfterFiftyLiving.com, as well as www.RetireEarlyLifestyle.com and www.Shrewsbury.net.

Laverne began her writing career in the mid 1970’s, when she was asked to write and edit Hotline, the Parent/Teacher newsletter at the school her children attended, in Livingston, New Jersey. During that same period she wrote one play, collaborated in writing another, and worked with the Livingston school system’s psychologist to write a series of Behavioral Modification skits that were presented to parents and teachers of the student body.

Laverne wrote human interest stories for West Essex Tribune and The Newark Star Ledger for a stretch then went on to join the staff of Northern Horizon’s newspaper.

Some publications Laverne’s work has appeared in are Reader’s Digest, Mature Living, Montage Magazine, Northern Horizons,Woman’s Hockey, Big Apple Parents’ Paper, The Daily Record newspaper and New Jersey Jewish News. Anthologies include Chocolate for a Woman’s Courage, Rocking Chair Reader, Bedpan Banter, Story House, and Craft of the Modern Writer. She is currently working on a book, How the (Bleep) Did I Get This Old?, a compilation of her columns, life stories and ramblings. Laverne was interviewed by Bottom Line Retirement, twice.

When she is not writing Laverne gives talks and humorous readings in coffee shops, libraries, and for various organizations and workshops. Some of her topics include: Growing up in the Fifties, How to Get More Humor in your Life, and The Joys of Aging. Talks about the joys of aging don’t usually last more than thirty seconds.

Laverne was nominated for publication in the 2006 edition of Marquis Who’s Who of American Women.

Share This Post

Leave a Reply

Lost Password

Register

Like Our Page!

Receive our updates via Facebook!
Next Post for You:
52 and Single
Close