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It Sucks To Be Cleveland – by Gary Chalk

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It Sucks To Be Cleveland – by Gary Chalk
Gary Chalk

Gary Chalk

I’ve got good news; and bad news.

The good news: Cleveland won the NBA championship last month.

The bad news: Cleveland hosts the republican national convention starting tonight.

Some Cleveland residents are protesting, saying, “What did we screw up to earn this?”

With the national media converging on Cleveland, locals are putting a positive spin on the city with a new slogan: ‘Cleveland: Home of Hemorrhoids.’

Starting tonight, the eight most repeated words on cable television will be: “Now, let’s go down to the convention floor.”

“Hi. It’s Biff Blame on the convention floor. This place is bedlam!!  Everyone’s holding signs and chanting. There’s even cheerleaders with pompoms. Let’s listen in: “Trump, Trump; He’s our man; If he can’t do it… Lyin’ Ted can.”

From up in the rafters of the arena, at CONVENTION CONTROL the television anchor interrupts…

“Biff. I don’t know if you can hear me or not. We’ve got to break for a commercial. We will be right back.”

On the screen appears a sole party supporter…

“Hello friends. We are announcing an exciting fundraising campaign. For a donation of $100 your name will be inscribed on a brick that will be prominently displayed on the wall we are building between Mexico and USA. But there’s more! For $200 you receive an authentic Donald Trump ‘Making America Great Again’ plastic pocket comb. Please call right away. Operators are standing by– in India– to take your call.”

Back at CONVENTION CONTROL, “Now, let’s go down to the convention floor. Biff! Can you hear me?”

Biff appears on the television screen. It looks like he’s standing in an automotive repair shop paint booth: spray guns are applying several more layers of Finesse Superior Hold Hairspray. The cheerleaders are chanting, “Lyin’ Ted, Lyin’ Ted; He’s our man. If he can’t do it… Little Marco Rubio can.”

From CONVENTION CONTROL…

“Let’s talk about the speakers at this years convention. Many prominent party officials aren’t attending so tonight’s feature speaker is the person responsible for literally throwing the chairs together at the convention: Bobby Knight.”

“Before we get back to Biff, here is a word from our sponsor…”

“Hello friends. If you’d like your very own personal keepsake of this years convention please mail a stamped, self-addressed envelope and we will send you a box of official ‘Low Energy Jeb Bush Nasal Strips’… ‘Making America Great Again’ one nostril at a time.”

From CONVENTION CONTROL, “Now, let’s go down to the convention floor.”

“Hi, Biff Blame here. I’ve got an exclusive exclusive! We have completed our first poll: when asked if voters would support a Donald Trump/Mike Pence ticket 82% responded ‘Yes.’ The other 18%- Trump ex-wives- said ‘No.'”

From CONVENTION CONTROL: “We’ve learned Trump has announced his Secretary of Defence & Special Envoy to Kim Jong Un in North Korea: the statesmanlike Dennis Rodman! I figure Trump is playing to the tattooed voters.”

On the television screen: BREAKING NEWS: DENNIS RODMAN TO BE SECRETARY OF DEFENCE.

From CONVENTION CONTROL, “We’ll be right back.”

“Hi friends. Order this years most popular convention bling– the Little Marco Rubio bobble head doll. You can hurl all the insults you want at it… and it keeps smiling!”

Back in CONVENTION CONTROL…

“Well that wraps it up for tonight. Next week CONVENTION CONTROL will be in Philadelphia for the democratic national convention. Be with us when Hillary Clinton sings Kum Ba Yah… accompanied by Bernie Sanders flailing his hands like he’s Joe Cocker!”

Cleveland: where winning isn’t everything.
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Editor’s Notes: Gary Chalk is a Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn peoples wrinkles into laugh lines.’ His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit www.LivingRetired.press.

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Upcoming Living Retired keynote presentation, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ August 3, 2016: The Center, Kennebunkport Maine and September 13, 2016: Woodstock Probus Club, Woodstock Ontario.
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There’s more laughs at http://LivingRetired.press
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Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada’s Dave Barry– usually by tax collectors who don’t have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he’ll pay any taxes owing!
As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ which transforms audiences into a ‘wrinkle-free zone’ where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife’s dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream! His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit www.LivingRetired.press.

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