I have a simple theory that goes like this…
The longer men are married, the more they lose their hearing.
And you know why?
Because they want to!
I’ve always believed I have been blessed with pretty good ears. But not for important stuff like making myself look 40-years younger by piercing my ears so I can dangle jewelry on them like a rapper: 6″ galvanized hex lag bolts from Home Depot.
More recently Jan has been telling me– okay, screaming at me like she is an officer on the takeoff deck of an aircraft carrier– that I need to have my hearing tested.
She talks about a medical condition that affects middle-age men. It’s called ‘Selective Hearing’, or SH for short.
Don’t laugh. SH really does exist.
SH was discovered by scientists whose research was funded by government grants. Working with middle-age mice stretched out on lazy-boy chairs, holding television remotes and eating beef jerky, they concluded male mice were oblivious to everything their female companions said to them.
Jan figures I’ve got SH bad, real bad and says I only hear what I want to hear. The lame example she likes to put out there is when she says, “Gary I’m thinking of replacing the kitchen backsplash!” she knows there’s no chance whatsoever that I will hear her. DUH!
On our vacation I witnessed another man suffering from SH. Here’s what happened…
Jan and I were on a cruise ship– you know one of those hotels on water but without the round mirror on an extension arm in the bathroom that allows you to enlarge your nose to the size of the Iberian Peninsula.
We were relaxing with another couple on the outdoor pool deck when the mid-afternoon buffet was opening.
Then it happened! And you know I don’t exaggerate…
The other guys wife grabbed her towel as she stood up from the lounge chair and said to her husband, “Honey would you like a quickie?”
Now any man knows full well that when your wife blurts out such an invitation– whether you think you have selective hearing or not– that he shouldn’t ask for clarification!
Before you knew it this guy beside me was halfway to the Lido Deck when his wife hollered, “Dear, what got into you? All I asked was, ‘Would you would like a cookie?”
Later back in our cabin I Googled ‘hearing loss in middle age men.’
The most popular site listed the most frequent symptom of hearing loss among middle-age men: ‘When your wife suddenly says, “Honey, would you like a quickie?” Apparently this is the threshold men are encouraged to seek professional medical advice.
Another symptom appears in males in their teenage years: when they speak to a girl and focus their eyes above her chest– specifically at her lips watching every word she says. Medical experts say that the condition has progressed to an acute stage during college years if guys focus their eyes above a female bartenders chest.
The experts found that some occupations can contribute to hearing loss. Specifically, jobs where people are continually hollering at people– think politicians. Or, school teachers who can’t seem to hear what’s being said to them at parent teacher night.
Wait! Wait! Before you get your digital assistive hearing devices with feedback suppression tied into knots, a new study on Selective Hearing (SH) has been released.
Scientists have concluded that Selective Hearing (SH) hasn’t been proven. Stay tuned for their report entitled, ‘Selective Hearing Isn’t True: SHIT.’
Gary Chalk, a baby boomer is enjoying retirement. Instead of watching his investments he muses about what he sees Living Retired. To receive Living Retired each week, to ‘unsubscribe’ or to book Gary’s keynote presentation, ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ visit http://LivingRetired.press.