Gary Chalk

Conventions Create Comatose Condition! by Gary Chalk

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Gary Chalk

Gary Chalk

My body is numb. I’m drooling.

I spent last week horizontal on the sofa: watching the republican national convention on cable television.

I must have been dreaming…

“I’m Wolf Blitzer and I’ve got ‘BREAKING NEWS.’

“I’m NOT in the Situation Room. I’m in the Men’s Room. This convention is so long my beard needs another coat of Just For Men Hair & Moustache. Let’s have John King analyze it on our Election 2016 Computer Whiteboard.”

John King standing beside a computerized map of the States touches the screen. Instantly, Google maps zeros in on Cleveland. It looks like a brutal Buffalo New York snowstorm on the map– but no, it’s a closeup of Wolfs white beard!

As a pie chart appears, King says, “Exit polls show voters are split. The highly educated people– the unemployed– want Wolf to apply Just For Men- Touch of Grey.”

“However, look what happens with the uneducated people– they have a definite preference to Just For Men- Original Formula.”

King taps the whiteboard and continues…

“Voters who describe themselves as ‘being aware of the major issues affecting the country’– 50% said if Wolf shaves his beard that will Make America Great Again. The other 50%– middle age men– say Melania Trump will Make America Great Again.”

This week it’s the democratic national convention in Philadelphia.

“I’m Biff Blame. The democrats will take the next four nights to improve Hillary Clintons popularity ratings– showing home videos of her handing out candy apples on Halloween. Democrats will also pay tribute to Bernie Sanders– and wish him well in his new career as a television pitchman for reverse mortgages.”

From CONVENTION CONTROL, “Biff we need to break for a commercial.”

On the television screen an image of the democratic mascot– a large oversize furry jackass– dances. The person inside removes the head. It’s Bill Clinton playing the role of the jackass!

Bill smiles into the camera, “Ah shucks! This is fun. Where are all the women.”

Back at CONVENTION CONTROL, the anchor quickly says something intelligent: “Now, let’s go down to the convention floor.”

“Biff Blame here. Here’s what the political pundits are watching for at this convention: will the democrat delegates be as bad dancers as the republican delegates were? Let’s go to our Election 2016 Computer Whiteboard. John King what do the numbers say?”

King presses a button revealing a pie chart…

“74% of voters had a negative opinion of Ted Cruz delegates dancing the do-si-do in the aisles as the band played the Stones ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.’ The far right– who believe dancing is the major cause of gum disease– said it looked more like Americas Got No Talent.”

Back to Biff Blame…

“A Joe Cocker tribute band is on stage. The singer is flailing his arms like Bernie Sanders… Wait! It IS Bernie Sanders! It’s like he’s back at Woodstock singing ‘With A Little Help From My Friends.”

Bernie moves spastically, singing, “What would we do if Trump sang out of tune; other than call him a baffoon? We’d get by with a little help from our friends; we’d get high with a little help from our meds!”

From CONVENTION CONTROL: “Biff you’ve got an exclusive exclusive?”

On the television screen, BIFF BLAME EXCLUSIVE EXCLUSIVE.

“Instead of a traditional balloon drop, the democrats are dropping thousands of foam bricks from the ceiling, while delegates shout “Trump: here’s what you can do with your brick wall.”

Am I dreaming? Or is it a nightmare?

Editor’s Notes: Gary Chalk is a Canadian humorist on a mission: ˜turn peoples wrinkles into laugh lines.’ His popular weekly column ˜Living Retired’“ read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America“ transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit

Upcoming Living Retired keynote presentation, ˜I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ August 3, 2016: The Center, Kennebunkport Maine and September 13, 2016: Woodstock Probus Club, Woodstock Ontario.
There’s more laughs at

Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada’s Dave Barry– usually by tax collectors who don’t have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he’ll pay any taxes owing!
As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ which transforms audiences into a ‘wrinkle-free zone’ where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife’s dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream! His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit

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