Gary Chalk
The “Did You Poop Your Diaper?” Sniff
The good news: the snow has melted. The bad news: the mounds of mud on your front lawn makes it look like there was a tractor pull! The good news: April showers bring May flowers. The bad news: your sump pump breaks down! The first sign the sump pump malfunctioned– which is a nice word for ‘#!¥#!’– is when you return from yo...Read More
7 Things Our Parents Said on Roadtrips
Baby boomers were raised going on family summer road trips.Our parents wanted the family to travel through the countryside– enjoying roadside picnics overrun by ants and staying at motels overrun by spiders. Kids just wanted to get back home and play with their friends. To accomplish this they would sit in the backseat of the car and perfect the ar...Read More
Top 5 Conversations Couples Have When Traveling
The Luggage Zipper Council of America– whose motto is: ‘Way More Is Way Better!’– has discovered the top 5 conversations every couple has when they go on vacation. The findings are published in their report entitled: ‘Women Are From Planet Matching Soft-Sided Luggage; Men Are From Planet Missing In Action When Packing.’ The first page of the report...Read More
Memory Lane Alert! A Case for the Maytag Lonely Repairman. Oh my…
What you are about to read is the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. So help me Maytag Lonely Repairman. Here’s what happened… Years ago, Jan and I agreed to purchase a Maytag washer and dryer. We were convinced Maytag was a trusted brand. This was based on exhaustive research: Jan’s comment, “Gary, I feel sorry for that poor Maytag...Read More
When Your Wife Says ‘THE DEN’… She Means ‘THE DEN’
If you are a married woman, what you about to read may incite a violent action. I’m talking about something even worse than opening the kitchen cupboard that sets off a Tupperware avalanche! “Hello 9-1-1!!! This is Eunice Entwistle calling. I need help! I’m buried in a gazillion plastic containers and mismatched lids. It’s reaching all the way up t...Read More
Nobody Likes a Mr. Sniffles!
Reader Alert… The following contains graphic descriptions and is intended for mature readers. People with a weak stomach may puke. I told Jan the way any sensitive middle age man would tell his wife he has thick mucous in his throat, “Dear, I’m sorry I was horking all night long and kept you awake.” Horking– Latin for ...Read More
A Dummies Guide To Downhill Skiing
Today, let’s take a break from the pressing matters of everyday life– the cost of electricity, the cost of health insurance, and adult onset toe fungus. Instead, let’s reminisce of the carefree time of our youth… Every Saturday afternoon we’d watch the opening of Wide World of Sports on television. Guys would howl laug...Read More
Stick a Fork in Kitchen Renos
The survey numbers don’t lie. 82% of married couples say renovating their kitchen increased the value of their home. 18%– husbands with big screen televisions– said, “We have a kitchen?” Everybody agreed: the kitchen makeover pushed their family debt to a level equal to the rate of inflation found in the countries Putin invades. So let’s examine wh...Read More
Car Navigation Systems Lead To Divorce!
Jan and I made our 2017 New Year’s resolutions… I resolved to lose the final 15 pounds on last year’s 10-pound diet. Jan shocked me with her New Year’s resolution. “Let’s learn to use your cars electronic navigation system.” Hmmm… I thought carefully about what I should say. I needed to remain calm and convinced myself not to overreact. Then I scre...Read More
Transform Your Husband into Fabio
Ladies. I’m telling you. It’s like I’m a new man! It began when my wife gave me my gifts for Christmas. Bang! Just like that I’ve been restaged. I’M ALL NEW FOR 2017! Jan is onto something so special that I’m convinced she’s discovered the perfect elixir that can transform millions of football obsessed, Frank’s hot sauce crazed, beer guzzling baby ...Read More
Hearing Loss Among Middle-Age Men.
I have a simple theory that goes like this… The longer men are married, the more they lose their hearing. And you know why? Because they want to! I’ve always believed I have been blessed with pretty good ears. But not for important stuff like making myself look 40-years younger by piercing my ears so I can dangle jewelry on them like a rapper: 6″ g...Read More
Back Splash Backlash!
It’s official. I had a DTM: Donald Trump Moment. A Donald Trump Moment is when a middle age man– suddenly, right out of the blue– says something stupid! My Donald Trump Moment happened during the Christmas holidays while visiting friends at their new home. It is a condo and it’s absolutely beautiful! As I walked around in my...Read More