Gary Chalk
“Your Call Is Important To Us”
Three weeks. That’s how long it’s been since my wife and I purchased our his and her cellphones. The first week we had a moment of weakness—similar to when the Democrats selected Hillary Clinton to be their candidate. I still don’t know what happened but we got so excited that before we knew it we were unpacking the cell phones from their box—it wa...Read More
The 3 WORST Words: Activating Your Device!
WARNING… The following contains disturbing graphic scenes: a middle-aged married couple trying to setup their new cell phones. Enough said. For the life of me I don’t know what got into Jan. But right out of the clear blue she piped up, “Gary, lets set up the new his and hers iPhones we bought.” So, I did what was natural. I gathered myself; took a...Read More
The Amazing Cell-Phone Diet!
Me? I haven’t been able to control my enthusiasm. My wife? She can’t contain her sarcasm. “Gary please tell me you’re running around the house because you’re excited that for once you remembered to put the toilet seat down!” Actually it’s better; much better. I am about to join the list of great inventors–people who have brought about transformatio...Read More
With Only A Few Sleeps Until Christmas….
Yikes! Some things happen in the blink of an eyelash–like when you are prepping the night before your colonoscopy and you drink that cocktail from the pharmacist. “OMG! LOOK OUT DEAR I HAVE TO GO THE BATHROOM… NOW!!!” Christmas is much the same. There is so much shopping to do, baking to be done, and more running around than your dog going in circl...Read More
Baseball Broadcasting – Backwards R US!
Listening to a baseball game on the radio has reached– to use medical terminology– the sphincter tightening stage. It’s like squirming watching Trump trying to read from a TelePrompTer– but way worse. Back in the good ‘ole days– before middle age men began wearing nasal strips– baseball was all about balls and strikes. Nowadays broadcasters have ta...Read More
Hallmark Heaven!
I’m lost. It’s got nothing to do like the time I pretended I had ‘man ears’ and ignored Jans suggestion: “Gary, please just stop and ask someone for directions!” It’s got nothing to do with not knowing how to use our cars GPS– that’s supposed to lead you to where you want to go, but doesn’...Read More
Baby Boomers Must Be “All Ears”
The fastest growing segment in North America– next to middle age women calling 9-1-1 to report flocks of large birds with long beaks making nests in their husbands ear hair– is baby boomers. Baby boomers were born between 1946 and 1964– in other words they were raised on canned cream of corn, chewed Thrills Gum, and watched Bonanza while dipping ...Read More
8 Steps To Wasting Your Time Trying To Grow Grass!
It’s a fact. Middle age men can grow enough ear hair to attract a flock of red-breasted meadowlarks to build a nest in our auditory canal. But ask us to grow grass in the backyard, well, that’s a different matter all together. Men appreciate a lush expanse of red fescue, perennial ryegrass, bluegrass, Bermuda grass, or even bent grass– if it’s on a...Read More
Repairing the Deck – with Dead Elephants!
Fake news… Home designers describe a deck as ‘an extension of your home; an outdoor oasis for entertaining your friends with summer drinks and canapés.’ Makes a guy want to puke! Real news… Your wife describes your deck as ‘a place she won’t put her Pier 1 eight-piece rattan furniture set with sun-resistant fabric cushions that match the brick mort...Read More
The “Thirty, Thirty” Method for Buying Garden Mulch
Want a great way to send the guy next door right over the top? I mean so bad that he completely loses it like Sean Spicer at a White House press briefing? You’re going to love this; it is so bad. Here’s what you do… Arrange to have a load of garden mulch dropped off at the end of your driveway on a Saturday morning. Then, stand near your phone… Rin...Read More
A “Rain-A-Geddon” Weekend
Today’s Living Retired is presented by the Umbrella Manufacturers Association whose slogan is: ‘We keep making umbrellas because you idiots keep losing them!’ This past weekend residents in the Midwest and eastern North America suffered through three days of torrential rainstorms! How bad was it? Well I know you’re going to...Read More
It’s Spring! Time for “Lawn-Mower Lowdown!”
It’s spring. Husbands get up from the breakfast table after scarfing down two pounds of bacon– and pop a cholesterol pill. “I think I’ll go to the garage and try to start the lawnmower so it’s ready for the summer.” Wives turn a shade of white– think ‘Cloud White, part of the Benjamin Moore Classic Color Collection; warm with neutral undertones.’ T...Read More