Listening to a baseball game on the radio has reached– to use medical terminology– the sphincter tightening stage. It’s like squirming watching Trump trying to read from a TelePrompTer– but way worse.
Back in the good ‘ole days– before middle age men began wearing nasal strips– baseball was all about balls and strikes.
Nowadays broadcasters have taken over. And the ballgame is now second, no make that third, behind a barrage of nonstop paid sponsorships and a dizzying onslaught of silly statistics.
“Hi sports fans. This is Bill Belcher in the ABC Chewing Tobacco broadcast booth.”
“Joining me is my partner former pitcher Lefty Wright. Lefty has the record for striking out the most batters in a game–that had a 30 minute rain delay, AND the pitcher didn’t intentionally throw at a batter, AND never missed a child support payment.”
“Thanks Bill. I’m really quite pleased my record has held up so long. The toughest part was missing a child support payment. Anyways, it’s gonna be a whale of a game this afternoon. I’ve got a feeling these players are gonna give 110% and at the same time keep within themselves.”
“Today’s game day weather forecast is presented by Bobs Beer. Make sure you grab a cold one. Hey fans it’s gonna be hot. Bobs Beer: betcha can’t drink just six!”
“The home team is coming onto the ball field resplendent in their uniforms provided by Uniforms Backwards R Us. When you want to play like the pros, you have to dress like the pros. Depend on Uniforms Backwards R Us.”
“The umpires have called Play Ball. Before you let your grandchildren play T-ball make sure you set them up with experienced legal counsel. The bastar– is this mic live?– oh sorry, the fellas over at We Sue Everyone can provide all your legal needs. Call 1-800-SUE-YOU. And be sure to ask about this months selection of class action suits.”
AFL’s Gary Chalk
“Here comes the first pitch. It’s a strike. This strike is presented by the brothers and sisters of Union Local 7205.”
“Here comes the next pitch. It’s another strike. This strike was sponsored by Steve’s Scrapyard. Steve’s got a great selection of old oil drums for your next picket line bonfire.”
“And there it is– strike 3! That strikeout was presented by Bills Bowlerama. When you want to throw a strike– without the drain of paying union dues– get yourself over to Bills Bowlerama.”
“Here’s the next batter. Ooh. He got hit by the pitch! He looks like he’s in considerable pain. If his ribs are broken, they’ll be sponsored by this weekends Rotary Club Ribfest.”
“As the batter crawls down to first base, he’s being assisted by our friends over at Phil’s Physiotherapy– specialists in proving fake physiotherapy for clients who don’t want to go back to work.”
“The next batter hit into a double play– sponsored by Divorce Lawyers Backwards R Us. If you get caught in a ‘double play’ call Divorce Lawyers Backwards R Us. You’ll be glad you did. And you’ll be broke!”
“Hey Lefty. What’d you think of the top half of the first inning– presented by Freda’s Flowers– offering ball fans a great selection of fresh greenery guaranteed to be aphid-free until you get home and a gazillion gnats infest your wife’s decoupage. Freda’s Flowers– where you receive a free fly swatter with each purchase.”
“Well Bill, I was checking the stat book and that was the quickest top half of a first inning for a game played on a weekday, with a 1 o’clock start, where the pitcher had an even number on his jersey, pitching to a catcher who began his career in the pre-concussion protocol era. Remarkable!!”
It’s time now for the bottom half of the first inning sponsored by Steve’s Steroids. When you want to be the best, you need the best: Steve’s Steroids. Guaranteed to get you into the hall of fame.”
“Hey Bill. I was checking the stat book and if it’s three up and three down that’ll be only the second time that’s happened in August, in a bobble head giveaway game, when it didn’t rain. Remarkable!!”
“Here we go. The pitchers wind-up is sponsored by Ricks Radiators– when your belt won’t tighten, Ricks your man.”
“The batter stepped out of the box. He’s tightening his Stickum Batters Gloves. He spit on the ground– presented by Gobs Backwards R Us where they always say ‘Kids you can learn to spit like the pros. Go to www.GobsBackwardsRUs.com.”
“Wait a minute the umpire just lifted his mask and he spit! Now he’s arguing with the batter. Here comes the coach from the Sunflower Seed Growers Association dugout. He’s right in the face of the umpire. This isn’t pretty– everybody is spitting! I’m telling you this may be the Gobs Backwards R Us ‘play of the game.’”
“The umpire has tossed the batter out of the game. This ejection is sponsored by Bills Bailiffs. When you’ve been caught– you need Bills Bailiffs.”
“Lefty have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well Bill. I’m checking the stat book. It says it was three years ago that a player and his manager were ejected after spitting only 17 times each! That’s remarkable!”
“Just before we break to catch up on our commercials, here’s the box score: no hits, no runs, no errors, and 11 players caught spitting while scratching themselves.”
“Don’t go away fans. We’ve got 8 more innings of this stuff! Remarkable!”
