Fun & Humor / Gary Chalk / Lifestyle & Retirement

Back Splash Backlash!

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Gary Chalk

It’s official.

I had a DTM: Donald Trump Moment.

A Donald Trump Moment is when a middle age man– suddenly, right out of the blue– says something stupid!

My Donald Trump Moment happened during the Christmas holidays while visiting friends at their new home. It is a condo and it’s absolutely beautiful!

As I walked around in my sock feet a beautiful image appeared in my mind: spilling guacamole down my shirt while watching football on the big screen television in the man cave! I think I even broke into a cold sweat dreaming about this!

But then it happened….

They walked me into their kitchen. I don’t know what got into me. As God is my witness, without warning I blurted out: “Your backsplash is really nice!”

I mean can you name even one from the millions of card-carrying, middle age male baby boomers– who begin their Christmas shopping on December 24th and have it all wrapped up in twenty five minutes flat– that would notice someone’s kitchen back splash? And then comment??

When I uttered the words– “Your backsplash is really nice!”– the husband was stunned. He immediately froze in obvious disbelief. I wish you could have seen it. He damn near smacked his head on their designer kitchen granite countertop when he passed out!

Well, maybe it wasn’t QUITE this bad……

As for his wife, well, I’m sure she thought she’d died and gone to heaven. Totally oblivious to her husbands pale white face– it was the colour of the Toronto Maple Leafs away uniforms– she grabbed her iPhone.

No she didn’t call 9-1-1…

She began furiously texting and emailing. She posted on her Facebook site and did whatever you do on Instagram!

But she didn’t stop there…

Experienced in communicating in less than 140 characters on Twitter she tweeted, “OMG! I have a living middle age man standing in my kitchen who complimented me on our backsplash! There IS a God!”

All this communication with her ‘friends’ and ‘followers’ led to an avalanche of ‘retweets’ and ‘likes.’

A zen practicing woman in Sedona Arizona got on FaceTime and celebrated with her tofu-eating, yoga enthusiasts. Someone isolated in Vermont– wearing her Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Garcia flannel pyjamas– began live streaming on Periscope.

When I returned home Jan couldn’t figure what had gotten into me.

“Gary, you’re shaking like a Democrat after Trump won the election!”

I managed to mutter, “Jan, I actually told someone I really liked their back splash!”

Jan dug deep. With all the compassion she could muster she consoled me, “Dear did you comment about the stunning effect of mosaic backsplash and the fact it’s so easy to clean? Did you talk about the dramatic effects you can create using subway tiles?”

Next, Jan Googled: ‘male baby boomer shaking.’

The first result that came up was a link to one of those online health sites where you speak directly with a doctor. This one was standing in line at a bank in The Cayman Islands, but he took the call.

“Mame. The symptoms are consistent with what happens when a woman fesses up and tells her husband how much she spent on gifts for Christmas. Your husband needs a MRI scan right away … (pause)… Oh, you’re in Canada?” (Click).

Undeterred, Jan finally figured why I was in such bad shape….

“Gary, all our binge watching of Home & Garden Television during Christmas and New Years must have altered your state of mind.”

Aha that’s it! Too much ‘Love It or List It.’ I had OD’ed on ‘Fixer Upper’, House Hunters’, and ‘Property Brothers.’

The good news is that I don’t have Advanced Donald Trump Moment: ADTM.

Advanced Donald Trump Moment is when a man says something so egregious– the word lawyers use when something is shocking!– that he immediately waves his hands in your face insisting they aren’t small.

Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada’s Dave Barry– usually by tax collectors who don’t have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he’ll pay any taxes owing!
As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ which transforms audiences into a ‘wrinkle-free zone’ where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife’s dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream! His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit www.LivingRetired.press.

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