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Advice My Mother Never Gave Me

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Advice My Mother Never Gave Me

You have muscles “down there” and you need to train them. They’re called Kegels and believe me, you want to learn how to squeeze those puppies dry. You won’t be aware of the Kegels until after you have born children and even then, muscles will bottom out on the childrearing spectrum. But one day your children will cease asking for your advice and you’ll find yourself  staring into the face of the dreaded menopause. Hopefully, that’s when you’ll say hello to Ms. Kegel and thank your mother for teaching you how to pinch and squeeze before it was too late.

*Keep your maiden name for as long as you can. It’s your identity. There is no MRS law that requires you to replace it.

*Don’t go to bed mad is a bullshit platitude. Sometimes being pissed off feels really good, so hang onto it.

*Labor pains hurt like hell. Some say you’ll forget all about the pain once you hold that precious bundle in your arms. Don’t buy that bullshit.

*You don’t have to give the best piece of fried chicken to your husband just because he’s got a bigger stomach. Grab hold of that fat, juicy breast and pass the wishbone to him. Next time maybe he’ll get lucky.

*Never iron the following (no matter what your mother-in-law does).
     – Your husband’s shirts. Take them to a laundry. You’ve got better things to do.
     – Tablecloths and napkins (see above). And don’t be an idiot: buy paper napkins.
     – Pajamas. Like I said, don’t be an idiot. Sleep naked.

*Keep some mad money stashed away to splurge on yourself. This advice is even better than going to bed mad.

*You won’t agree with everything your husband says or thinks. Smile like you do and nod your head a lot, then go on and think whatever the hell you want. He won’t figure it out because duh! He’s a dude.

*If you sleep with a snorer, buy earplugs. It will save your marriage or keep you out of jail for murdering him in the middle of the night.

*You don’t have to be a perfect cook and/or homemaker. One Martha Stewart is one too many. Deli food is good.

*A regular Mani-pedi is an absolute necessity only if you don’t want to go insane. Otherwise, use your sharp toenails to stab the snorer next to you in bed.

*Feed your kids ice cream sundaes for breakfast. They will never forget it and you won’t have to cook.

*You don’t need to be a volunteer. Some things are good, but others drain your energy, time and patience. If you must volunteer, choose an organization headed up by an anal retentive woman. She won’t allow you to do diddlysquat. If baking cookies for ungrateful rug rats is your thing, go for it. If you’d rather be pummeled to the ground with a twenty-pound sack of flour until you pass out, then repeat after me: NO!

*Don’t try to please everybody. You’ll wear yourself to a frazzle and it never works anyway. It will only keep you up at night wondering why nobody ever gets you.

*Exercise if you want to. Opt out if you don’t. It’s the 21st Century; it’s your body. Choose.

*Plastic surgery? Why the hell not? If you are the flackee for fixing your nose, remind the flacker of his/her of their forty-year-old buck-toothed kids still wearing a retainer. Do what makes you feel good about you.

*Be kind to your mother-in-law. She is the first woman your husband ever loved and she is not your enemy. He will love you more for loving her.

*Some men hate cats probably because they’ve never owned one. Get a cat even if he doesn’t like the idea and he’ll learn to love it. Are you not making a super human effort to love his mother?

*If you cook, he cleans up. That’s no-brainer payback for those labor pains.

*When you’re sick, DON’T get out of bed to cook for your family. If they can’t pour cereal into a bowl, trade them in for people who were born with a lick of sense.

*Don’t feel guilty for taking Me Time. Consider it more labor pain payback.

Advice can be good, bad or so-so. Some you’ll remember, some you won’t and some you’ll wish you’d never heard. Advice can make you laugh and a lot of it just flat out came too late to do anything about.

Trust me on the Kegel counsel. You’ll thank me when you’re seventy.

____________
Editor’s Note:
 Cappy Hall Rearick is a humor columnist for the Lowcountry Sun in Charleston, South Carolina. She is the author of seven published books. Visit her at www.simplysoutherncappy.com.  www.simplycappy.blogspot.com

“PUTTIN’ ON THE GRITZ”

Cappy Hall Rearick was born in Orangeburg, South Carolina. She was an English major at the University of South Carolina and later became a Flight Attendant for American Airlines. Some years later, she moved to Los Angeles and then to Pennsylvania. In 1994, she returned to her beloved South to settle in St. Simon’s Island, Georgia with her husband Bill.

Cappy, an award winning short story writer and syndicated columnist, is the author ofseveral successful columns, including:ALIVE AND WELL IN HOLLYWOOD, TIDINGS, SIMPLY SOUTHERN and PUTTIN’ ON THE GRITZ monthly in the Lowcountry Sun Newspaper in Charleston, SC. She also writes an e-column called SIMPLY SOMETHING.

Cappy is past president of the Southeastern Writers Association. Her recently published novel, THE ROAD TO HELL IS SELDOM SEEN, a 2012 nominee for the Georgia Author of the Year, is available at www.amazon.comin print and can be downloaded and enjoyed at Kindle, Nook and all the electronic readers. Get ready to read and do nothing else because it’s a page-turner!

She is writing her next book, BRIDGING THE GAP, a psychological novel of deception and suspense. The SIMPLY books (SIMPLY SOUTHERN; SIMPLY SOUTHERN EASE; SIMPLY CHRISTMAS) are bound to make you laugh and maybe even tear up a little bit, especially if you enjoy remembering the good old days. With every page you turn, however, Cappy Hall Rearick will bring the South alive for you.

Rearick holds membership in the Georgia Writers, South Carolina Writers, Atlanta Writers Club, Florida Writers, North Carolina Writers and she is a sitting Board member of the Southeastern Writers Association.

In addition to writing, Cappy is a popular public speaker and can breathe new life into those good old days for your conference attendees. She is a dynamic creative writing instructor and is available to teach classes in column writing, Southern fiction, humor, memoir and short story writing. She brings forth fresh ideas to match her imaginative ways of turning a phrase. Book her now … and breathe new life into your next writer’s conference. Attendees will learn a lot, laugh a lot and go away itching to write better than ever.

If you would like to receive a monthly column of SIMPLY SOMETHING via email, send your request along with your email address to Cappy at: cappyhall@comcast.net She will be delighted to add your name to the preferred column list.

Read Cappy’s BLOG at: simplycappy.blogspot.com

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