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As both a church pastor and a hospice spiritual counselor, he's witnessed death from many angles and draws on his experience in each position to enrich his work in the other.

But nothing trained him to help people die and grieve -- or to think about his own life and death -- like watching his brother die of a brain tumor over a 19-year span that, in many ways, shaped nearly every aspect of the clergyman Jake Shue, and the man who is Jake Shue.

"My brother had a really good death, and that's the kind of death I hope to have," Shue said. "That might sound kind of odd, but it's something I think about."

But most Americans don't ponder death much unless they're forced to. Shue said he sees ample evidence of denial in both of his spiritual roles, whether he's encouraging a terminal hospice patient to let go of an old resentment, or helping a grieving parent in his congregation to finally and fully release a deceased child.

Some families want their loved ones to refuse pain medication in the belief it will hasten death, or insist on feeding a patient whose body is shutting down and can no longer handle food, Shue said.

"We're good at avoidance in this country, and we do a lot of anesthetizing of our fears, our pains and our feelings," he said. "I don't think most people are ready to die, even some of the people who actually have time to get ready."

Nowhere are denial and its flip side more apparent than among terminally ill patients and their families.

Those who know death is imminent at least have some time to ponder how and where they want to die, and -- just as important -- to tie up the loose ends of their lives before they're over.

"The people who are ready -- who accept death and have made peace in their lives -- those are the ones who have the most beautiful deaths," Shue said.

Fearing the process

Some have reached that point before Shue encounters them, and others need some help getting there. He said the most common emotions he encounters with hospice patients are fear, resentment and regret.

The fear isn't related to what comes after death, he said, but to the process itself.

Resentment and regret usually are tied to relationships gone awry, and sometimes neglected or abandoned for years or even decades.

Shue said he's seen people hang on long beyond their medical prognosis in hopes of resolving old issues -- making amends, or perhaps hearing a long-awaited apology. Sometimes the patients are ready, but the family insists they hold on. Family members and friends are much-needed partners in the process of letting go -- of bitterness, anger and fear, as well as life itself.

"Sometimes patients or whole families have unfinished business, and I try to help them out," Shue said.

"I tell families to talk to their family member, even if they're unconscious. They can often hear. 'Tell them everything you've always wanted to tell them, no matter what it is,' " is the best antidote for both patient and grieving loved one, he said.

His hospice job brings him into contact with people at every station on the "religious" spectrum, and many who don't follow a spiritual path at all.

It's often the most religious, the "people of strong faith," who struggle most at death's door -- in part because unspoken doubts are bubbling to the surface, or they're angry with God because of their situation, or because they feel they're being forced to abandon people who need them, Shue said.

"I assure them they're in a safe place to voice their fear and their anger, and to be honest about whatever they're feeling. God's got big shoulders and he can handle our anger."

Window of opportunity

Discussing death often is easier with hospice patients simply because they're been forewarned in a way most people aren't, so they have a window of opportunity for honestly examining their lives, their spiritual or religious beliefs, and the way they hope to die. And most are quite open to at least some aspects of both processes, Shue said.

That's not the case with members of Shue's 4BarS Gathering cowboy church or the public in general.

One-on-one counseling around the topic of death tends to be primarily with folks who've recently lost a loved one.

But Shue fairly often finds ways to shine light on the topic of death in his sermons.

He encourages his congregation to prepare for their own deaths by living in ways that are likely to pave the way for a peaceful passing.

"I try to be real and authentic, not to sugarcoat it or cover it up. I'm not just a minister trying to use the right words or techniques. I've been there, and I know about the doubt and the anger, and I know it's normal," he said.

As he used to tell the troubled teens he counseled before moving back to Pueblo a decade ago, keeping those feelings under wraps is like misusing a pressure cooker. "If you keep stuffing and stuffing and stuffing, pretty soon that thing is gonna blow up and make a mess for sure, and maybe hurt someone."

Beyond the immediate emotional and physical effects of pent-up fear, anger and resentment lie the way each can impact a person's death, and how those left behind deal with that death, he said.

While most people prepare for death financially, with insurance, wills and other legal means, few prepare themselves or their families for the emotional and spiritual processes involved.

"A lot of people avoid it, and then when it hits, it's either too late" to right past grievances or wrongs, or the dying person struggles with those issues at a time that could and should be peaceful and open to grace.

So, how do we prepare for and learn to expect a peaceful death?

"By committing to living a joyful and happy life, knowing it could end at any moment. How we view life and how we view death is very important. Most of us avoid thinking about death, but avoiding it doesn't help at all," Shue said.

He often relies on country music lyrics to express universal truths -- especially about death and dying. One of his favorites is "Live Like You Were Dying," which tells the story of a man who's been given a terminal diagnosis.

"Why do so many people have to wait (until they're dying) to forgive someone or apologize, or to ride a bull or go skydiving?" he said.

"The people who have a clear grasp of death, and life -- those are the people you want to be around because they enjoy living every day."

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(c)2011 The Pueblo Chieftain (Pueblo, Colo.)  

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