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My husband, Fred, Sr., has always had his own way of doing things, has always been strong-willed, bullheaded, whatever you want to call it. He's a survivor who has always endured and came out on the winning end no matter how bleak the situation.

He overcame infantile paralysis and years of surgeries to correct a shorter left leg. He remembers when he was in a full-body cast for nearly a year as a young child and his father, Rev. Thomas Adams, Sr., carried him everywhere. Fred said he started kindergarten at age eight but did not really stand out because being undersized, he was just as small as his younger classmates. He remembers his parents breaking up when he was six, and seeing his mother only a few times after that. She died several years later.

In school he fought off bullies who tormented him about his speech impediment and diminutive height. He grew up in Jim Crow era North Carolina in the 1940's and 1950's. A white school counselor once told him that he would be wasting his time trying to go to college because with his disabilities, he would only be suitable for janitorial work. Even though Fred did not go to a four-year college, he set out to prove that white school counselor and everyone else wrong. He succeeded!

In 1974, he took the long bus trip from North Carolina and the comfort of his family, to California. He worked at odd jobs and eventually learned to create different ways to make money on his own. He became his own boss, wrote his own ticket, and made a good living for many years.

Fred knew instinctively how to win and maintain satisfied customers for his landscaping business, and later for his most lucrative power-cleaning franchise. He was the one who waved to all the neighbors and had long talks with them on their porches. I gave him the nickname "Gate Mouth" because of his winning smile of evenly matched white teeth. He and I have not always seen eye to eye, but we both knew that he was LARGE and IN CHARGE! In 2003, he decided to get a regular 8-hour job, retire from it, and enjoy his "golden years". That hasn't happened.

In 2007, he began to dress for work on days when his place of employment was closed. It took nearly half an hour once for me to convince him that he did not have to report for work that day. He began to have trouble understanding instructions on his job, but his boss thought he was being insubordinate. I thought he might have a brain tumor from using his cell phone so regularly. In 2008, his other medical problems, failing mental cognition and increased hallucinations brought about his early retirement. In February 2009, he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. However, later that same year, a new doctor diagnosed him with frontal-temporal lob dementia. As the front part of the brain atrophies, it shrinks and darkens. The patient's cognitive abilities, motor and speech skills degenerate. There is no known cause and no known cure. A recent TV news story reported that doctors are beginning to see this type of dementia hit people Fred's age and younger. We were told that Fred's level of dementia is surprisingly severe, usually not seen in people until they reach their late 70s or early 80s -- not someone in their mid 60s.

It's been a major MAJOR lifestyle adjustment for all of us. I am now fulltime caregiver to my once very strong-minded, able-bodied, and dominant husband. He was always a much better cook than I, but now he cannot even figure out how to make a baloney sandwich.

There are others out there who are familiar with this. Of course, I've seen a grandparent or a cousin suffer from diminished capacity and ANOTHER relative become caregiver for them. Fred may outlive me and the rest of us in so-called good health, but it is painful to watch him fade day by day. It is more painful to realize that he knows...he knows things are drastically different and there is nothing anyone can do about it.

He still enjoys music, going out to eat and to the park, or just for a drive in the sunshine. We're working on getting him a Hoveround-type of scooter. If it weren't for our faith in God and the help of our children, Fred and I would not be able to get through each day. Thank you for letting me share.

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bettemae All too common a story in this age of society. More and more people having difficulties which impact their functional abilities. It IS frightful to see these abilities as they slip from you. It is frustrating and confusing-because some days are so good that you begin to wonder if it is possible you can do things. I was a registered nurse who loved my career, my work. In my early 50s I had not expected to be in this position. Know that there is an awareness of how costly this is emotionally for our family.. And we'd give nearly all to not have anyone placed in the positioln of watching us fade. Know that we do still love and feel-even if we have trouble expressing ourselves, we do still think and feel.God bless all those who unselfishly care for another as part of their journey in this life.
Fri Jan 28, 2011, 11:23:39 AM EST

ErikD Having gone through the long good buy with both of my parents while juggling teenage kids I can agree that it has both its painful moments and its better moments. It can be a strain on the family and my wife was a trooper in helping me as I worked through the phases. The comforting part is I know I did the best I could for my parents in the end and that is all you can hope for.
Thu Feb 3, 2011, 3:07:31 PM EST

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