I hate exercise! There is nothing about being hot, exhausted and in pain that appeals to me. The most active thing I did this week was struggle to rip open a bag of Oreos.

Everyday the media reminds me that I am out of sync with the rest of the world. The government is presently designing a dollar bill on which running shoes replace George Washington's face. Sweat was officially added to the list of American symbolisms, along with apple pie, the flag and Mom. Rosie O’ Donnell is promoting a line of bridal warm-up suits. Anti-perspirents are being phased from market shelves and replaced with cans of Instant Sweat Aerosols.

Last week I hosted a support group for a group of people who shared a bond -- their utter disdain for exercise. They entered my house, one by one, lethargic and overweight. There was a time when they accepted who they were, but the worlds' obsession with physical fitness had interfered with their sedentary lifestyle, and left them feeling disgraced, embarrassed and diminished.

One woman, Portia Portly, claimed that she just didn’t fit in. Everyone she knew took aerobics or yoga or spin classes. So she went to Sports Authority and bought several spandex outfits that she now wears around town. Suddenly her social life has exploded because people have assumed she is either going to or coming from an exercise class.

Portia’s success was applauded, voted on and accepted as standard policy.

"I joined a health club," confessed a rather pudgy business man, “just so I can tell my macho associates I’m a member. They don’t know I only go for the saunas and massages. There’s no reason for them to ever know.”

I felt compelled to cleanse my conscience. “When my boyfriend completed his sixth marathon, he returned home and found me lying in the yard. How could I admit that while he'd been running over 26 miles I'd been sunbathing, on my back, motionless? I told him I had sprained my ankle while doing jumping jacks and was waiting for him to carry me indoors.”

Everyone empathized.

“A perfect example of prejudice towards non-athletes happened to my cousin, Martha,” announced a woman who preferred to remain nameless.

“Martha devised an inexpensive source of fuel by extracting energy from several diet pills she found lying in her medicine cabinet since 1952. She received presidential praise and was up for a Nobel Prize for Great Achievements.

And then the bomb dropped.

An in-depth interview with Martha revealed that she not only wasn’t committed to being physically active, given the choice she would grab for a slice of carrot cake rather than a carrot. Consequently, her credibility became suspect and she is currently under investigation by both the CIA and Richard Simmons.”

The meeting lasted only 30 minutes – as long as it took for everyone to finish off the donuts, brownies and Cinnabons, and run out of new business to whine about.

If you feel out of place because you don't smell from perspiration, don't need a knee brace, don’t have shin splints, aren't getting cortisone shots, and don't own a terry cloth head band, join us next Saturday at 10:00am in front of the YMCA.

Be prepared to march for THE RIGHT TO BE INACTIVE.

Please be prompt as the parade is scheduled to last only ten minutes.

The local first aid squad has kindly volunteered to be on hand for those requiring treatment for exhaustion.
____________
Ed. Note:  Laverne H. Bardy is a syndicated humor columnist.  Visit her at www.LaverneBardy.com.  Copyright, Laverne H. Bardy, published with permission.

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Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

Beachgrammy You are a very witty writer. Thank you for the vision - ho ho!

May 27, 2012, 3:32 PM EDT

joanlipman I'm absolutely wiped out from laughing so hard, Laverne! Time for a nap... I'd join your fitness group, but I'm too exhausted and hungry!

Jun 3, 2012, 2:43 PM EDT

yussie I remember this Laverne women before she was fifty and at that time when I knew her she must have been a spinning champ as she had a shape like a coke bottle. Let this be a lesson to you all do not I repeat do not give up exercize for
writing. Still in shape Joe ( Round is a shape )

Jun 3, 2012, 4:35 PM EDT

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