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A woman in a TV commercial claims that she applied cream to her face before going to bed, woke up and the outcome was astounding; she looked like she’d had a face lift. I don’t know who would want to look like they had a face lift, but she was right. She didn’t look a day over 25. Oh, wait -- she was 25.

And how about those Victoria’s Secret TV underwear commercials, generally not shown until after 9:00 pm? Who are they kidding? We know what they’re really selling, and it’s not underwear. Sure I’m envious of the bodies those women are flaunting but I’m curious to know the difference between those ads and soft porn. I’m also interested in knowing what children who stay up past 9:00 think of them.

I had a nice figure once, for about six minutes. Back then most women wore girdles. Other than childbirth, pulling on a girdle was the most painful experience of my entire life. I would lie on my bed, on my back, legs raised and extended toward the ceiling, sweating, squirming and struggling to pull that damn girdle down my legs and over my hips. I wonder now why I even wore a girdle. I had a 23 inch waist, wore a size 9, but thought I was fat.

Recently, I was again intimidated into buying a panty girdle. The sales woman said it would take inches off my waist and hips. She was right. It did. But the fat had to go somewhere and I ended up with thighs the size of torpedoes and an extra set of breasts.

In an interview Kate Winslet, star of Titanic, said, “Aging is about wisdom and grace.” She’s 30 years old. What can she possibly know about aging? When I was 30 my wisdom evolved from the pages of Doctor Seuss, Doctor Spock and books with catchy phrases like “See Spot run.” My outlook on the world covered places I passed en-route to Cub Scouts, Sunday School and Soccer practice. I didn’t even begin to approach wisdom until this year, when I realized my grandchildren understand computers and can say and spell the names of every dinosaur that ever existed, while I can’t do either.

I can’t stand those distracting blips that pop up on my TV screen while I’m watching a show, to advertise coming attractions of other shows. Whatever happened to good old non-intrusive, illegal, subliminal advertising? I don’t mind being distracted and brainwashed if I’m not aware of it.

I used to love going to the movies, but not since commercials have been added to the lineup. It’s bad enough sitting through 15 minutes of loud previews, but now movie goers are held captive and forced to watch commercials they’d ordinarily avoid if they were home surfing channels or taking a bathroom break.

Every year, right before Valentine’s Day, I hear advertisements encouraging men to make the woman in their life ecstatically happy by having a star named for her. The ad suggests that for a mere $54 the recipient of this thoughtful gift will be overcome with love, every time she searches the galaxy for her shimmering namesake.

Call me cynical, but paying good money for a star you’ll probably never see makes about as much sense as building your dream house on the San Andreas Fault. I suspect that women will be more apt to elicit the kind of response men appreciate if they’re given something that sparkles on their finger rather than in the sky.

Hey, but that’s just me.

_________

Ed. Note:  Laverne H. Bardy is a syndicated humor columnist.  Visit her at www.LaverneBardy.com.  Copyright, Laverne H. Bardy, published with permission.

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For a while after I turned 40 I tried every face cream or serum on the market. From the expensive ones in the department stores to the ones in drug stores. I was even crazy enough to buy some on the late night TV ads. And what did I get for it? A little softer skin, and an empty wallet. I even tried Miracle Suits, hoping to hide a few extra pounds, but I realized I liked to breath too, so I gave that one up. Now if I could look as good as the women in the Victoria's Secret ads, then it would be worth buying some new undies……hum. No it will never work that way.
1 like this.
Tue Apr 5, 2011, 3:21:08 PM EDT

Tony Personally I could do with a few less Viagra commercials myself.
1 like this.
Tue Apr 5, 2011, 9:36:48 PM EDT

mom81549 Well, I have to speak in defence of the "support" panty - I think the one or two I have are called "control top". Not quite so containing but, I have found as I age, not so gracefully sometimes, that amongst all the things that sag are my bladder. If I have been very active, on my feet more than normal or carrying and lifting things, my bladder wants to sag down, it hurts and then I have leaky bladder at night. I had a tack done several years ago and at last years physical doc says it still is not to the point of needing redone. That's good, but I still need some relief and i find it in the form of that darned control top panty. It seems to hold it up where it belongs for a few days or a week until things get back to normal. However, I sure don't wear it for fun. For one thing, if one is working out or just doing actual work that causes you to perspire - I tend to get uti's from wearing it, so I save it for just when needed.
1 like this.
Fri Apr 8, 2011, 9:04:59 AM EDT

cj1955 How about the commercials for prescription medications? I recently read that these commercials and ads have increased 96% in the past 15 years. It's bad enough these ads are even on TV, but when hearing the side effects, what's worse the cure or the disease?
2 like this.
Sat Apr 9, 2011, 12:48:58 PM EDT

Edlucky56 There are too many ads for vacation sites! I wouldn't be sitting in living room watching these ads if I were actually on vacation!
Sat Apr 9, 2011, 8:48:13 PM EDT

AnnH Here's one I could do without, the new telemarketers that use 800 numbers with "unknown" listed as the name. Really, do you think I’m going to answer your call?
1 like this.
Mon Apr 11, 2011, 10:39:32 PM EDT

PaulT Political ads, I don't care if it is one party or another, or even a candidate I like. They should only be allowed to run them for one month a year, preferably in the summer when I'm out golfing.
Mon Apr 18, 2011, 9:57:30 PM EDT

NettieAnn What I find really funny about the commercials advertising prescription drugs is that they never specify what it is suppose to help you cure or at best, make better. They just say to ask your dr. about abc...... Are these commercials actually for the chronic pill popper or the M.D drug pusher who gives you another prescription for who knows what after every visit? I am sure we will never know............. LOL
Mon Sep 26, 2011, 5:01:09 AM EDT

sheridee I love reading Laverne's humorous articles. It is the type of humor that gets to your core; you laugh because you relate. As for girdles, the new thing these days is Spanx; the other new thing is that recently the medical community is coming out telling us how detrimental constrictive clothing is to our health! Seriously.
Sun Mar 4, 2012, 11:46:22 AM EST

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