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Recently, I talked to a woman in her early 40's who has two young kids and is very unhappy.  In her second marriage, she was contemplating divorce: she wasn’t getting any younger and wanted her chance at happiness. She’s not alone. A few years back, an AARP poll revealed that middle age women are leaving long term marriages in record numbers. Historically, divorce rates spiked at the 25-year mark, with husbands initiating the split, usually to seek another women. But Boomer women are shifting this trend. We like to do things our way. Our mothers’ way was to stay and endure, and in this regard, we are not our mothers’ daughters.

 In that AARP poll, the women who left long term marriages reported that on average, they planned their exits for ten years before finally leaving. Why? Finances factored in; so did children in need of growing. We all know Boomer women were the first generation to postpone childbirth.   When I was 40, my children were still quite small. So what’s an unhappily married woman to do? I can’t pretend to know. I can offer this caution: be as sure as you can be that there’s no devil waiting to meet you worse than the one you already know. 

Single parenting, should your Ex surprise you by not co-parenting as you thought he would, is not easy, especially for women who’ve depended on co-parent help. Should your Ex decide to not pay, minimally pay or demand that you pay once divorce proceedings begin, money worries will weigh on your mental and physical health every bit as much as not being touched or feeling loved. Though we may be better prepared to go it alone than our mothers, don’t let emotions overshadow practicality.

 Divorce is an ugly business based on an adversarial model that favors people with money. The shocking revelation, made decades ago, that, after divorce, women cycle into poverty while men’s lifestyles remain the same or improve hasn’t shifted much, so consider what these facts will mean for you. Discuss your decision with older, divorced women who don’t have a need to get your approval or impress you.  Ask them this: If you could do it over, would you do it all the same?

Many of today’s hot flashing women are also soccer moms. While it’s true hot flashes signal that we aren’t getting any younger, there’s still time to live the life you want so line up your ducks before you make a move. Earn that credential that will get you a promotion or a better job. Try to overcome any bad habits you may have developed to cope with your unhappiness. Depending on ‘stuff’ to make you feel better, whatever that might be- alcohol, shopping, drugs, food or any combination - creates its own dependence that will follow you into your new life if you don’t deal with it in your current. Go to counseling if you can afford it, with or without your mate. Find women who speak your language-women you trust-talk to them, online or in real time. Compare notes. While you’re at it, connect with women who’ve circled the block a few more times. The vantage of their view might be very helpful to you. In midlife, we now know we haven’t got forever, but we’ve still got time. Use it wisely.

About the Author:  MArla Miller.  Marla Miller, RN, MSN, is a psychiatric RN practitioner whose focus shifted to writing about the many topics impacting women including health/wellness related issues. Email her with your questions/concerns at ocwriter@cox.net.  Source:  http://www.articlesbase.com/divorce-articles/want-a-divorce-read-this-first-1538470.html

Traveler This article bears no relation to the real world. Divorce favors people with money? "Women cycle into poverty while men’s lifestyles remain the same or improve"? On what planet does the author live because it isn't Earth. Newsweek less than 10 years ago had a huge spread on the fact that the only area in America where discrimination occurs is in divorce and it is men who are discriminated against. Courts give women preference on custody and thereupon rape the man to support her in the lifestyle to which she had become accustomed. I know of countless divorced couples where the wife got to keep the marital home and the man was shunted off to a one room apartment and had no disposable income after giving the largest chuck of his pay to his ex. In my own divorce, one caused by a philandering spouse who had tired of "hiding", my ex received 47% of my income for 7 years and I was the one who had to pay all insurance, all college, etc. This author has no clue to the real world.
Tue Feb 28, 2012, 10:52:41 PM EST

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