A recent article in the AARP Bulletin stated that divorce after 50 is skyrocketing. That’s sad; not only because it creates a real bummer for each person’s retirement fund, but also because it deprives couples of potentially the best years of their lives.

We all know that there are marriages that never should have happened and that there are marriages that just seem too intolerable to continue once the children have fled the nest. In those cases it may be that divorce seems the only solution. But an advantage of life after fifty is that we have gained insights and perhaps some wisdom that we didn’t have at twenty. Also when the children have left home we may have more time for reflecting on a relationship and possibly find out what went wrong.

While researching for my book, Survive Your Husbands Retirement, I came across the book, How To Stay Married Without Going Crazy. Because I was studying what happened to couples in 30, 40 or 50 year relationships, it didn’t seem relevant as it focused on early marriage. It’s a small book, however, so I kept reading. Later that week, as I read the AARP article, the book’s relevancy became  crystal clear. The author, Elizabeth Ward, encourages couples to approach marriage conflicts from the viewpoint of their mate––not to ignore personal concerns, but to understand why the other is upset about something. Doing this removes potential for conflict and helps us understand that while something isn’t a big deal to me, it is to my mate. From that point of understanding, honest communication and sharing can occur.

I can attest to the value of this approach.  When my husband of 42 years retired we were both shocked by the changes in our relationship, and neither of us were happy about them. At one point I wondered if we were going to make it through. Fortunately we agreed to stop the arguing and start understanding.

When we started talking I learned he felt that asking about my daily activities showed interest in my life while he learned that, having lived a responsible adult life, I now felt like a school child every time I had to “answer” for my whereabouts. We also learned that what I thought was anger addressed to me  was his  merely processing the adjustment to a different routine and set of expectations. Having worked out much of those issues, we now share a joyful retirement and benefit from the comfort of so many years together.

The need to communicate in a relationship is probably one of the most overused pieces of advice anyone can give. But it can be a miraculous tool when done with a goal to understanding our mate’s approach to the same issue. Not all marriages can be saved, but if yours is struggling, you might read Rebecca Ward’s book for a quick fix or Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch for a more in-depth look at the topic before you move ahead and totally mess up your retirement fund.
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Editor's Note: Visit Nora's blog at www.surviveyourhusbandsretirement.com.

You might also be interested in these articles:

• Surviving the Split
• Post-50 divorce rate doubled in 20 years
• How to help your divorced friend ease into dating
• Divorce lasts a lifetime - end the war!
• The High Cost of Divorce

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