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“OH CAROL:”

I have never seen anything like this in your column.  10 years ago my daughter then 33 years old decided to leave her husband and 4 kids and take up with a shady character.  This has caused us untold grief.  We saw her sporadically during this time.  About 2 years ago she decided to step back into our lives on her terms, which means no questions about her past.  Come to find out she has embezzled thousands of dollars from a former employer and is being prosecuted.  She most likely will be headed to prison after the 1st of the year.  She emotionally blackmails my husband with repeated calls that she states she is suicidal, etc. Although I love my child deeply I feel that she is doing this to cause a rift in our marriage. She is pretty deceptive and I don't believe we know the whole story yet. This is going to be such an embarrassment when it gets out to our friends and neighbors.  Her brother and sisters don't even feel like they know her and have little if anything to do with her. She has caused undo grief for our entire family but I tend to side with my other children who are all working hard to make a good life for the families.  I am also very close to her children.  They are really good kids considering what they have been through. I find it hard to just forget everything that has happened and throw my door open to her.  I don't trust her for one thing.  My husband thinks we have to or else she will do something drastic. He calls me a hater and unchristian.  Name calling is not something we have ever done with each other so this makes me mad and confuses me.  I truly don't know what to do.
Living a Nightmare



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “Living a Nightmare:”

This is such a tragic story. I am glad to read that her children are all as okay and that you have a close relationship with them.

As I read through your letter, I see that this is way more about your husband than anything else. The embarrassment that you are worried about will pass soon enough. Those that are close to you will offer you more comfort and support rather than negativity. Anyone else doesn't deserve so much as a nod. So as much as that concerns you, it will be what it will be... "Que sera, sera!"

 You may not realize this but your daughter is a bully. She bullied everyone by insisting that no questions be asked. (And you all accepted and agreed.) She bullies your husband by threatening suicide. I can understand how he would fear that and would do anything to prevent her from doing that. That is one of those tough calls.  Do I listen to what she says and comply? Or, is this just a threat and therefore, should I ignore it - and not live my life being controlled by her?

What really concerned me most in your letter was your husband behaving uncharacteristically. As stated, I understand his fear of your daughter doing something drastic but his behavior towards you and his name calling worries me. When was the last time he had physical? Believe it or not, something so seemingly benign as acting out of character i.e. name calling could be indicative of some medical issues.

Since the likelihood of her being incarcerated in a few weeks seems imminent, you might just want to sit this out a little longer. Stress is through the roof for the whole family. I suggest that you ride the wave a little longer.  If, after all is done with her legal issues, your husband is still treating you in this unusual way, please get him to a doctor and maybe get some counseling for yourself. You all have a lot going on. You could use a professional sounding board right now. Your daughter threw a huge wrench into your family.  I hope she finds her way back and that you can put all the broken pieces back together and be whole again.  Good luck.

Yours 4 love,
Carol

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