Dear “OH CAROL:”
My husband and I separated 3 months ago. We’ve been married for 27 years.  We had 2 kids of our own and he also adopted my daughter that I had before we married.  He’s always been a great father - to them all.  The youngest is now in college.  But something changed 5 years ago.  During that time he’s had 4 different jobs lasting no more than 9 months each.  I have worked all along throughout our marriage, but without a college degree, I don’t make much.  So about 4 months ago I found out that he had really been lying about going to work.  He had been either laid off or fired (he won’t say which) and was pretending to go to work every day.  When I found out I hit the roof.  Then I found out that things were so bad that we were about to lose our house.  We were able to sell it just in time. I’ve moved in with my oldest and her family in their small townhouse.  My husband has moved in with his brother.  But my husband keeps “visiting” saying he wants to see his grandkids but it always turns in to him saying that we should get back together.  Yes, he was a great guy - but I don’t see how I can trust him again.  He lied big time about work and I just don’t respect him anymore.  Please help.
Times Are Tough - Really!

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear ‘Times Are Tough:”

Trust is something that grows over the years and gets stronger but it takes a just one moment, one transgression to lose it. Without knowing what changed 5 years ago, it is hard to know where to start with him.

It sounds as if the top issue might be a lack of communication. You said this has been going on for 5 years. What did you, as a couple, do about that? Did you talk about it? Or did you stick your heads in the sand and now you've come to this?

I never defend or condone lying (it's a BIG issue with me) but I do question WHY someone feels that they think they need to lie. Was this last job loss a blow to his ego? Was he afraid to come home and tell you that once again he is unemployed based on your past reactions? I am not blaming you, I'm just wondering why he wouldn't tell you. This is not an unusual story-- people (men in particular) pretending they are going to work when in fact, there is no job. Men are so defined by their work that without it they often feel less than a man.

Back to communication issues.... married 27 years and you are not privy to his paycheck? Right there, I sense trouble. Had you been privy to it, you'd have known that there was no job!

You say he was a great guy. Is that great guy still there? I am thinking of Bon Jovi's words:

Tommy used to work on the docks
His union’s been on strike
He’s down on his luck…it’s tough, so tough
Gina works the diner all day
Working for her man, she brings home her pay
For love, for love 

I ask you, is there love still there? 27 years and 3 kids is a lot of history. Divorce is not fun. Being single at this stage is not fun. I always counsel people to see if they can get that spark back and work it out. You've built a life, a family, a history. Can you go to counseling? This is a HUGE issue. It isn't just about trust. It is also about money. It is very difficult to not have money after working a lifetime. Money issues are one of the top reasons people split. You two need to talk, really talk. Times are tough for you. Find a way to seek counseling and work it out. If he was a great guy for 22 years and something happened in the last 5 years dig deep to find out what happened. Perhaps he has a medical issue that he is unaware of that is affecting his ability to perform properly on a job. Get him checked out and work on this together. Good luck.

Yours 4 love,
Carol 
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EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com.

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xlorah I would love to hear follow up on this. I agree that there are deeper issues here and they need to be worked out. That many years together is just too long to throw it away over a trust issue.If that were the case, they would not have lasted that many years together. Good luck and Godbless.

Jun 17, 2012, 7:16 AM EDT

serenity55 I think everyone lies, to some extent. I don't like it either, but I think the poster's rigidity and judgement may be part of the reason her husband tried to cover up his job loss. I think he knew she wouldn't be supportive. Please don't take this as rudeness. It sounds like he has supported her and the kids for most of the marriage. If she's working, might it not be a better idea to find an inexpensive apartment for them both, move out of her daughter's house, and insist that both of them go to counseling? There is hurt and betrayal, but there seems to be love there, too, and this marriage may be saved, if both of them were willing to see their part in this.

Jun 17, 2012, 8:18 PM EDT

dagokid i feel there is NEVER A REASON TO LIE and I detest liars and lieng and there is NO ROOM for it in any relationship from a spouse, sibling, friend, co-worker or parent. I HATE LIES and so DOES OUR LORD!

Jul 8, 2012, 4:19 PM EDT

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