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“OH CAROL:”

My husband has gained at least a pound a year for every year we’ve been married - almost 35 years and 40 pounds. The jowls and the fat belly turn me off completely and so we haven’t been sexually active in quite a while.  I have tried everything I can think of to help motivate him to get back into shape but nothing is working.  Deep down I’m very angry.  I’m angry that he doesn’t care enough about me to do it for me - even if he won’t do it for himself.  And I’m angry that we’re living like brother and sister instead of man and wife.  Even though he’s a very nice guy, I’m considering leaving  because this isn’t how I want to live.  Please help.
The Weight’s Gotta Go



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “Gotta Go:”

One of the first rules of weight loss is that is has to be for oneself, NOT for someone else. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with you or caring enough about YOU. Personally speaking, people do not lose weight until they are ready to lose weight. What makes someone ready? Who knows. It could run the gamut from hating the way they look, to being uncomfortable in their clothes, or they just don't feel good about themselves.... or anything else you can think of. But one reason that people DON'T lose weight is because someone nags them to do so. In fact, it  often has a paradoxical effect!

As for your feelings in regards to how he looks... what happened to "for better or for worse?" What if he were in a tragic accident and lost a limb, or was disfigured in some other way, or terribly ill. Would you turn away from him then?

You are angry about living like brother and sister? That's YOUR choice!  How do you think HE feels? His wife won't be intimate with him because of 40 pounds? I am sorry but that is mean and superficial. And you are actually considering leaving him because of 40 pounds? Are you kidding? Me thinks there is something deeper than just a few pounds. The only nice words you used about him were "even though he's a very nice guy".. is that the best you can say about him?

I hate to say this, but I think you need to look at yourself on this one. Being married 35 years these days is quite an accomplishment. Think back to why you fell in love with him all those years ago. Rekindle your communication on other levels. Look inside of yourself and ask why you've lost sight of the love. Few of us have the same body or weight that we had 35 years ago. You may be one of the lucky ones.
       
The song in my head is, Billy Joel (my MAN!) singing "don't go changing to try and please me, ... I love you just the way you are."

Your 4 Love,
Carol

Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

Dennis What? Hey "wife"...have you not changed in the past 35 years? How about that ass that is twice as big as it once was? Look, do the guy a favor, go ahead and pack your bags and get the hell out. I have a feeling that he is damn sick and tired of hearing your bitchin' anyway!
Tue Apr 26, 2011, 7:47:25 AM EDT

redfred0858 I agree with Carol. The problem here is not the husband, it's the wife. No one would leave a spouse of 35 years, who you love, over 40 lb.s. I think the key here is "who you love." She does not sound the least bit loving. She is using his weight gain as an excuse for her own unhappiness, which probably has nothing to do with her poor husband. She needs to do some heavy-duty self-examination!
Tue Apr 26, 2011, 10:37:37 AM EDT

pulstar40 I hope she does leave him, for HIS sake. Perhaps then he will find someone who truly loves him, and and thinks more of him then "he's a very nice guy."
Tue Apr 26, 2011, 11:23:32 AM EDT

gfullwiler I can't even find the words to respond to this woman. How shallow and selfish. I am a divorced 54 yr old woman who has been through hell for 2 yrs with health issues and have put on weight,I hate it but am unable to fix it at this time. That man probably has his own issues with his weight gain and she is rubbing salt in the wound. When someone is overweigh or has any issue with their appearence,they r more than aware,they really need support,not put downs from someone who should be their rock.Shame on her!!!

Tue Apr 26, 2011, 7:48:50 PM EDT

Troy Dear "gotta go" wife, Since you didn't say what shape you are in. I was wondering how wide your hips are?, if your breast hang down to your waist line? and how much weight have you put on in 35 years? This weight is easy to put on, but hard to get rid of. Maybe you and he should work on this together, I emphasize TOGETHER. Learn to eat better together, check with your Dr. and start an exercise program together. Maybe then things will start to get better. You 2 have 35 years invested here, don't loose it...
Sat May 7, 2011, 2:06:22 PM EDT

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