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“OH CAROL:”

I am thinking about moving to another state to be with my future husband.  I am wondering how do I make his house "our home" - combining both of our households.  He is widowed after being married 43 years, and his house still feels like it is her home - it definitely has the woman's touch on it, everywhere.  I don't want to be disrespectful to her memory, but I really think he will have a hard time with the changes I would make.  I have pictures & collections I would like to display. I tend to be more casual in my furnishings.  I would want to rearrange the kitchen - from the magnets on the fridge to the drawer the silverware is in.  He says he is open to the change, but I really wonder when it happens how he will feel.  I can't even begin to imagine the attitude of his kids, when they visit and see their mother's house moved around.  With the economy the way it is, we really can't afford to sell the house right yet and begin fresh with "our home".  That will be sometime in the future.  What would you suggest?
The New Wife

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “New Wife:”

I want to commend you on your sensitivity. Too many women would swoop in and take over -- out with the old, in with the new...sending "him" into shock.  I like that you are also keeping his children in mind. My guess is that this is the house that they grew up in and "Mom" is everywhere. Kudos to you!

Why don't you start small. Discuss buying a new bed and new bedroom furniture. (Offer the old set to his kids) The bedroom is not a room that most people see, so the changes in there won't hit anyone on the face the moment they walk in the house. Get some fresh paint on as many walls in the house as possible. This is also a good way to get things off the walls and then discuss together what will go back up. Leave a few pictures of him and his late wife around and then ask if you could move the others into a spare bedroom.

Take it slow. I suggest that you leave the dishes in the same cabinet, the glasses in the same place etc. He's been accustomed to opening the drawer next to the dishwasher to get a spoon for 43 years. If you switch what drawer or cabinet things are in, he is going to be smacked in the face with change EVERY time he goes to make something to eat. Why not put NEW dishes and silverware in the same drawers? If the cabinets and drawers are lined, buy some new liner paper. Try to keep as much of the old as possible and slowly introduce the new. The Fab Four are singing to me "Let it be, let it be," but just for now.

Include the kids (I am assuming they are adults). Ask for their help in making the transition. I am sure they will love you all the more for it when you include them and they don't feel threatened that you are going to waltz in and destroy their Mom's memory.

Congratulations to you and your guy! I wish you many years of Love ‘N Life!

Your 4 Love,
Carol

dontgoover55 Carol, I'm confused. Why would a new wife want pictures of his 1st wife laying around,what in the bedroom with them,really? I couldn't do it. The pictures would have to be given to the kids,and maybe family group pictures in the den or office,only a few at least it would be including the kids. I would paint as much as possible,new bedroom furniture,maybe new lamps,sofa ect. Have a big yard sale and sell what the kids dont want and let them start off their new life together as a couple with kids,its their life now,he had many years with his 1st wife,now its her turn.
Mon Feb 6, 2012, 3:08:08 AM EST

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