• What are
  FAVORITES?
  Bookmark any page of our site conveniently in this one area.
  
  Sign In or Register so you can take advantage of all of the features of After Fifty Living

“OH CAROL:”

We’ve been married for over 25 years and our kids are grown and gone. My husband continues to be argumentative, anything for a fight!! He’s just plain rude.  While I am thinking of divorce, I have been supported by a male friend.  We talk by phone, text and have lunch occasionally.  There’s never been anything physical between us – but I’m starting to think of him as a sole-mate.  I want to know what you think.  Am I “cheating” on my husband with this relationship because I’ve heard that if your heart is elsewhere, you really are cheating.
Smoke from a Distant Fire



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “Smoke:”

Oh dear... you are on a VERY slippery slope.  STOP before you hit the bottom and hurt your tush!  Of course this male friend feels like a soul-mate - he offers you a strong shoulder, a receptive ear and an acknowledging nod.  You are not picking up his dirty underwear, listening to him snore, and all the other things that occur in a marriage be they good, bad, or indifferent.

As for you husband, there are many people that seem to get off on being argumentative. The best piece of advice that I can tell you about interacting with him is that you cannot change him, you can only change how you choose to react to him. If you look out the window and proclaim how sunny it is and he sees the one cloud in the sky to the contrary, he is going to argue. "Let it be, let it be."  Smile and nod and walk away.  He thrives on you coming back at him. You probably would point out that one little cloud does not make it a cloudy day. GAME ON! You get my point. Again, YOU can change how you choose to react to him. When he doesn't get the response that he is used to (for 25 years), something will change. I am not saying that HE is going to change or that it will improve your marriage. It might just be the final kibosh on it and may give you the clarity that you seek. I guarantee though, that something will change.

If you take up with another man it is NOT going to make your husband any less rude or argumentative. In fact, I am sure it will make him worse. He will know, "your eyes had a mist from the smoke of a distant fire" and I assure you, your life will get harder. Find a girlfriend to talk to or a professional. STOP talking to this other man. This is not the way you want to end a 25 year marriage. Should you decide at some point in the future that divorce is where you're at, that could be the time to share info with another man. Chances are the man that you choose to complain to about your husband, your marriage, your life will NOT be the man to fulfill your dreams. Right now he is like Mighty Mouse. "Here I come to save the day," but in the long run, no new mate wants to hear all the details of what a creep his predecessor was, over and over again. Take time to work on YOU and why you have put up with a rude, abusive man for 25 years. That should help you with some life decisions.

Oh and yes it is a form of cheating. I always follow the Golden Rule of "do unto others." I always think to myself, how would I feel if my man did this or that ...

If the answer comes up that it would upset me, that is a good gauge and therefore I wouldn't do it. So, how would YOU feel if your husband of 25 years was phoning, texting, lunching with a woman and telling her all the things he can't stand about you?  Do NOT turn outside of your marriage to fix what's wrong on the inside. Either work on fixing it or get out of it.

Your 4 love,
Carol

Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

MrsB61 Yes - you are cheating. It may not be physically, but it's turning into an emotional affair. If you are having trouble in your marriage, you CANNOT work on it with a 3rd party. DO NOT discuss marital issues with another man. There is a reason someone feels the need to fight. It's your job to find out what's going on instead of running. Guys can have huge egos, and guys need to feel needed. They like to "fix" things. It's just the way they are. This guy you are getting involved with outside of your marraige is just giving you some new attention. 25 years is a lot to throw away. Unless you are being abused in some way, do what you can to salvage you marraige. It does take work. And I've been through the divorce mill because my X was an alcoholic who was mean and verbally abusive. Divorce is no fun - but I exhausted every option FIRST before I divorced. Cut the other guy off now and focus on doing what you can to work on your marraige. Talk to your husband, exhaust every option, then if all else fails, get a divorce, THEN rebuild your life. Unless you deal with what's going on in the present relationship, you'll only take it into the next one.
Sat Dec 10, 2011, 6:15:50 PM EST

jaggerapril I've been through the same things as MrsB61--alcoholic, sex-addict, verbally abusive husband. I left him, I waited a whole year until *I* had experienced some healing and now I have the best "friend" of my life--without feeling any guilt. I know I did EVERYTHING even six months of counseling until the counselor said, "Please, no more. Of course I regret spending 25 years with him! But I have a clear conscience and I am finally FREE! I wish you a future of joy, whether married or single.
Sat Dec 10, 2011, 9:11:48 PM EST

Leave a Comment -

Guidelines: We welcome your thoughts, but for the sake of all visitors to AfterFiftyLiving.com, please refrain from the use of obscenities, personal attacks or slurs. All comments are subject to our terms of use and may be removed. Repeat offenders may lose commenting privileges.