Dear “OH CAROL:”
I’m a 51 year-old woman and I’ve never been married and I’ve never had kids.  I am really saddened that this never became a reality for me.  Today at work someone brought in pictures of their new grandchild.  Everyone was gooing over the photos.  I wanted to scream, “Stop it already.  Don’t you know how much this hurts people like me who’ve never been able to have a child to hold or have someone close to them?”  Please don’t tell me to go to counseling - because I think it’s everyone else who’s being insensitive.
No Spouse, No Kids, No Empathy

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear ‘No Spouse, No Kids:”

Once again, there are questions left unanswered- Was it your choice to never marry? If so, then you can't expect others to feel bad for you since that was what you wanted. If it wasn't by choice, I'd like to know why you didn't marry. Did your heart get broken once and after that you closed up? After all the only way to guarantee you won't get hurt is to never love again, right? 

You say that you "never married and never had kids" - these days, one thing has little to do with the other. I knew a woman many years ago (she is now in her 60s) who didn't see "married with children" in her future but knew that she really wanted a child. She took the bull by the horns and adopted. Our generation was the first to say that we did not need a husband to have a child. So, not having children, in some ways, was a choice you made. You could've adopted, you could've had in vitro, you could have asked someone to help you get pregnant 'the old fashioned way'. You can't make others responsible for your sadness.

You mentioned that you've never had "a child to hold or someone close to you."  I know several women in my life (as well as two deceased Aunts) that never married and never had children. These women love(d) their nieces and nephews almost as if they were their own. They held them, loved them. nurtured them and felt a closeness to them.

For you to expect people around you to withhold their joy is unrealistic and insensitive of you. How can you think it is okay to expect a person to not share pictures and stories about their kids and grandchildren? That is ridiculous. Could you withhold your happy feelings because 'someone' might be upset?

If your co-worker's joy can make you prickle then I get a feeling that you do not get close to people or let them in. The song in my head today is from The Police "Don't stand, don't stand, don't stand so close to me."

My sense about you reminds me of the “Fable of the Porcupine.”  Here's how it goes:

It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold. The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After awhile, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the warmth that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

Moral of the story: The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people.  When each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities then you have the makings of a great relationship!

Life can bring all sorts of people to us: some kind, some unkind, some loving, some unloving. How we choose to react to them is up to us. Like them or not, we work with them, or are related to them, and deal with them all the time. We find ways to navigate around them when necessary. The real moral of The Fable of the Porcupine is ......LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE PRICKS IN YOUR LIFE. Every rose has its thorn.

Yours 4 Love,
Carol
____________
EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com. 

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Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

Andrew1848 I have been married, have no kids or grandkids. I think that I have been short changed. Now that I am 100% disabled I can't raise a child. No matter if my ex-wife said "NO WAY" to children. Single and Hating it..Hey Nobody is perfect..;..-Andi-

Jun 3, 2012, 5:21 PM EDT

OhCarol Thanks for your comment Andi and I am sorry you feel shortchanged. I am not sure how disabled you are but what about doing some volunteer time for kids that have also been shortchanged and don't have any Grandpa? Bet that will feel great! win/win!

Jun 3, 2012, 5:27 PM EDT

lovelife51 Dear 51 year old woman: YOu sound like a selfish , all about me person. Everyone has difficulties in life with or without a spouse, children. Why are you so hateful of others to not enjoy others happiness? You say you don't need counseling but yet are fenting to people because they are INSENSITIVE. At age 51 you could volunteer to help others and learn how to be part of this world.

Jun 4, 2012, 7:11 AM EDT

cheri7 Dear "Oh Carol." I am sorry that none of these things happened in your life. I feel your friends are sharing "their lives" with you as they Care about You, and you have this. We don't get everything we want in life, and often get things we don't want, but you can choose to be happier by taking joy where you find it. Or, you can choose to feel that others are working to make you unhappy. You make the choice as to how to feel. I wish you happiness. C.

Jun 4, 2012, 9:48 AM EDT

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