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Dear “OH CAROL:”
My husband is a terrible lover. He always was, and always will be. I lost interest in anything physical with him. I tried to teach him, I was patient, but he simply is not a passionate man and has no drive and makes love like an inexperienced teenager. When we married, I expected as we grew closer our lovemaking would improve. I was wrong. Over time I've lost interest in him, too, and hope to separate when our kids are out of the house in a few years.
It's been a few years since we last had physical contact and I'd prefer no contact to his awkward kisses and lack of ability when it comes to intimacy. I'm very satisfied with "taking care of business" myself but I long for the closeness of another body. I brought up to him a few years ago that I wanted the freedom to be physical with someone else, if the opportunity were to present itself, and he only said that usually someone gets hurt in these situations. No kidding!
I'm not actively looking but I have had a long-term flirtation with someone whom I've only seen a couple of times and with whom such a relationship would be very difficult for many reasons. I had no guilt when we passionately made out (how high school of us!) and he is the object of my fantasies.
What do you suggest I do when I've given up hope with my husband? I feel more sexual and passionate than I did in my roaring 20s and want to enjoy something I've not felt in years.
My Husband Is A Terrible Lover
LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:
Dear My Husband Is...
Starting with the end of your letter--- yes indeedy-- we "after fifty" women can be far more sexual and passionate now than ever before. Be it experience, confidence, or a change (for the better) in hormones, it is very true, so watch out men! Sadly there are some women that experience the opposite in post menopause.
As for your marriage, it sounds as if you've been together for a long time and the fact that you mentioned that your kids will be out of the house in a few years makes me guesstimate that they are teens so you've probably been married around 15-20 years. That's a long time to lack intimacy and an even longer time to be unhappy. What is it about you that thinks, in all these years, that you don't deserve more? You've put your life on hold for your children. Has that helped them or hindered them? Have they witnessed a loving, intimate, caring relationship between their parents and been given the tools and role modeling for a healthy relationship of their own or have they seen one of two people passing in the hallway with perhaps a smile or a conversation about the kids, their grades or maybe an old ailing Aunt (no hugs, pinches on the tush, a peck on the cheek)? These are things we don't often think about when we stay together 'for the sake of the kids.' When my daughter was little I remember good ol' Dr. Phil saying "kids would rather COME from broken home than LIVE in one." Hmmmm, something to think about... it sure made an impact on me!
You ask what I suggest that you do. This is a slippery slope. I agree with your husband (as do you) that someone will end up hurt if you have outside 'dalliances.' Another thing Dr. Phil said all those years ago was "don't turn OUTSIDE your marriage to fix what's wrong INSIDE your marriage." You've already tested the waters by making out with another man. The fact that you didn't feel guilt indicates to me that you've given this much thought and have already made up your mind what you want to do, therefore, whatever I say might be falling on deaf ears (or eyes). I really believe that you should not take this beyond 'the object of your fantasies' because you are asking for trouble big time. The last thing you want is your husband sensing your betrayal, and I would almost guarantee that he will.
"You can't hide your lyin' eyes, And your smile is a thin disguise. I thought by now you'd realize. There ain't no way to hide your lyin eyes."
No matter how little affection there is between the two of you, he and your children will be hurt. To make it worse, you never know how someone who is betrayed will react even if you think you know everything about him. A man scorned can be equally as bad as the proverbial woman scorned. He could react by trying to turn the kids against you and by telling them that "Mom cheated"- NOT what you want your kids to know! Not only that, IF they were to discover that you cheated on their Dad, you will lose. They will most likely protect him and turn on you.
So again, you ask what I suggest. I will once again suggest counseling. I also suggest couples counseling. I am not saying that you should spend the rest of your life in a loveless, sexless marriage but as least see how many stones you can un-turn before you do anything rash. I recently suggested Harville Hendrix workshops and books "Getting the Love You Want" and "Keeping the Love You've Found". He offers couples workshops and, while I understand they aren't cheap, I've heard that there are some scholarships granted if money is an issue. Please check him out. I wish you the best.
Your 4 Love,
EDITOR’S NOTE: In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert. If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services. Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process. Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com.
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