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Dear “OH CAROL:”

My husband is a good guy, most people really like him when they get to know him, including me.  My problem is that I don’t love him in a passionate, romantic way - and I never have.  We’ve been married for almost 40 years, so if something were going to catch on fire, it would have by now.  There’s no one else in my life or in his and I keep thinking that it’s not fair to either of us to stay together.  At some point in your life, shouldn’t there be a little passion? So, should I throw away a rock solid yet melba toast relationship and give both of us a chance to finally have some spark in our lives? Or is it too late?
  -  Melba Toast Marriage

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear Melba Toast Marriage:

There people over 50 that find themselves single, whether through divorce or death. Of course they'd love to find the whole package - love, companionship, AND PASSION, but they might be willing to trade in the passion for the other two. It's possible that they once had passion in their former marriage. You, however, stated that you NEVER had it with him. So the questions are, can you live without it for 40 more years? Is it too late to try and create it? Does he feel the same way? Can you talk to him about it?

What can you do to try and start a fire that maybe was never there?

Can you read some erotica together (or alone) to spark some flame? Can you search for hobbies that you can enjoy together to forge some bonding? I will speak for myself and other single Over 50 women, most of us would LOVE a 'good guy', one that is liked by all (even you) , so I wonder if you can do anything to create some passion with him. Hey, ya never know, you might unleash a love monster!

How about getting out your blender, some Coco Lopez, Rum etc.. Go to YouTube and play the Pina Colada song:"

"I was tired of my lady
We'd been together too long.
Like a worn-out recording
Of a favorite song"
..."Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, "I never knew."
That you like Pina Coladas
Getting caught in the rain."

See if you can get something burning!

Yours 4 love,
Carol

lwwings MTM, is it possible that your husband has always wanted the SPARK, too, and just never felt it ? And didn't know how to bring up the subject with you ? Are you personally stimulated by erotic or sexual material ? Is he ? If not, maybe one or both of you are in need of hormonal evaluation.

For me personally (a 54 year old woman), I didn't know what I needed to get me sexually stimulated . . . so how could I convey THAT to my wonderful husband ? How could I expect HIM to know something that I didn't even know myself ? It wasn't until well after he died at age 47 (I was 45). . . and I started (at age 50) a relationship with a much younger man that I FINALLY figured out what I needed ! YESSS ! And I also had the TIME and ENERGY and PRIVACY that I needed to focus on ME that I didn't have when I was a younger wife and mother.

It might be that your husband is desirous of a change, too . . . maybe HE would like to try to find some passion, also . . . I'd hate to think that you both passed up a chance at a mutually satisfying sex life, simply because neither one of you could bring yourselves to approach the subject.

Tue Jan 17, 2012, 7:23:13 PM EST

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