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“OH CAROL:”

“Larry” and I have been together for about a year.  We had been work-related acquaintances for years, but when my husband suddenly left me and the kids, Larry stepped in.  (Larry’s divorced.) He was supportive, kind, and thoughtful and a relationship developed.  Now we’re inseparable.  Our weekends are spent at his lake home where his kids (they’re all grown) may come and visit, and my kids are welcome there, too.  My concern? Whenever I ask him to do something on the weekend that would keep him away from the lake house, like go to a show or a museum in town, he finds excuses and he just won’t do it.  He’s happy to have my friends and family come to him - on his turf at the lake house - but he won’t go with me to visit them in a different location.  Now Larry is asking that I move in with him along with my two sons, age 15 and 17.  This may sound great, but I’m starting to feel like he doesn’t really appreciate the whole me.  He doesn’t complain when I go alone or with friends to events - he just won’t come. What do you make of this?  Should I be concerned?
Larry and his Lake House



“LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear Larry’s “Lake House:”

What do I make of this? Sounds like Larry is a homebody. Perhaps a bit over the top with it. Does he appear to be unfeeling, "shielded in his armor" or do you think it’s an anxiety? I have Simon & Garfunkel running through my head: Hiding in my room, safe within my womb. I touch no one and no one touches me.

He might have anxiety about going places and just wants to stay in his comfort zone. My ex was that way. Whenever I did get him to go anywhere, he would either drink too much to quell his nerves or we had to run home because his stomach was all upset.

What about asking him why he doesn't want to go? Dig a little deeper and see if he has any cognitive awareness of feeling anxious. Perhaps he can see a therapist and get an anti-anxiety medication (like Xanax) which is taken only as needed. It could help him feel more comfortable about going places.

After fifty, we need to ask ourselves if this is something we can live with or not? You've been married and divorced. You know what it is like to be hurt and to have come through a failed relationship. Is this something that will make or break it for you? And of course, talk it out with him, always the best thing to do. Good luck.

Yours 4 Love,
Carol

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