Dear “OH CAROL:”

I’m a 50-year-old man and I want your unbiased opinion.  I’ve been dating a 50-year-old woman for almost 6 months, and not once has she offered to help pay the expenses when we go out.  I know I make more than her, and I wouldn’t expect it to be split 50-50. But maybe she could cook me a dinner, or take me to the movies, or do something to show she’s invested.  Your thoughts? 
Is She Being Cheap?

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “Is She Being Cheap:” 

I will try to be as unbiased as I always am, but being a woman, please understand that I do have a tendency to think like one! (smiles)

I love that I always have the 4 lads from Liverpool to rely on for the right lyric -

“You're lovin' gives me a thrill,
But you're lovin' don't pay my bills.”  -- LOL

For starters, I agree with you 100%. She should do something to contribute, especially at 6 months of being together. It is nice of you to acknowledge that you are aware that you out-earn her.  I have found myself in her situation (being the lesser earner in a relationship) and it can be challenging to contribute the way that you want to. You sound like a good man that understands that and doesn't expect her to match what you can do.

Money was tight for me so I did what I could do that was within a comfortable financial zone for me. Sometimes I'd pick up some groceries, snacks, or bring a movie. On my way to his place, I would always ask if there is anything he needed and would love it when he said yes and asked me to pick a few things up from the supermarket. It was never much and made me feel good that I could pitch in.

Another way that I found I could contribute (with him in agreement*) was by shopping on www.Groupon.com  (or other sites like that) for area restaurants. I've gotten some great deals that way. You pay about $15 and get $30 worth of food. (Just be sure to read the restrictions.) Another site is www.restaurants.com  where you can ALWAYS get $25 coupons for $10 but get on their email list and you can also get their specials and pay only $1 or $2 for the same $25 value!

Using those coupons at least made me feel that I was doing something. He understood that I was doing what I could afford to do and we would enjoy dining out together for a lot less money than it would've cost otherwise. 

* In reference to "with him in agreement"... He said, "Anytime you see a coupon for a restaurant you want to try, get it and we'll go." He was also sensitive enough to say that he'd pick up the balance of the tab. I still felt a little uncomfortable because I never want anyone to think that I'd take advantage of them on any level. Being the lesser earner has its own set of issues when it comes to dating.

I don't know your relationship or how it plays out.  Do YOU suggest when to go out and where? Or does she and then "expect" you to pay? Things can get tricky when it comes to money and unless you find a way to open that line of communication quickly, you are going to end up resenting her.

Give her the chance to contribute. Use the words my guy used when supporting the purchase of Groupon etc. Tell her that you heard about these great deals on groupon.com and restaurant.com that may appeal to her. Suggest that she browse the sites and to pick up some deals that appeal to her. Even if she gets them for $1 or $2 but it takes $25 off your bill, that certainly helps, doesn't it? Don't wait much longer, though, because the more time passes without her offering any sort of contribution, the more it will eat at you and you may end up resenting her.

Please let me know if you tried that approach and how it panned out.

Your 4 Love,
Carol
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EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com.

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