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"OH CAROL:"

I've been married for 29 years.  My wife is a very nice person.  She works hard and took great care of our kids while they were growing up.  But she's shut me off and has told me that she's just not interested in sex anymore.  We haven't been close in over a year.  I don't want a room-mate.  And I'm not ready to hang up the towel.  I'm not sure couples therapy would be helpful.  I can't see where talking to someone you don't even know will get you anywhere.  Any suggestions you have I'd appreciate.
I've Been Shut Out



LOVE 'N LIFE'S "OH CAROL" ANSWERS:

Dear Shut Out:

A year is a long time to go without sexual intimacy. I used the word "intimacy" with intent. We've all heard the Mars/Venus analogy and it might apply here as well. For most women, intimacy begins in the kitchen, the car, the living room, on the telephone way before it is carried out in the bedroom. So I ask you to ask yourself if you are interested in your wife as a person? Do you care what she has to say? Do you listen when she speaks? Are her opinions respected and discussed? When was the last time you came home with flowers or a card or her favorite candy bar or movie simply because you were thinking of her?

I realize this sounds like I am picking on you and it isn't meant that way. I put it out there for other men to see themselves whether or not this applies in your marriage.

And now the flip side. Does your wife treat YOU the way you want to be treated? Does she listen when you speak? Does she watch your favorite show or go to a movie of your choice even if it's not her genre? It's often said that when a man is treated like a King, he treats his lady like a Queen. Perhaps you are both guilty of 29 years. That's a long time and without something to make it new and interesting again, boredom can set in. You can take each other for granted. Stop the cycle. Try something new.

Now, as for counseling.... you said "I'm not sure couples therapy would be helpful.  I can't see where talking to someone you don't even know will get you anywhere." Open up your mind please! That is quite a close minded attitude and I assure you that with that attitude, you are right...you won't get anywhere in therapy! One of my favorite quotes is by Henry Ford "Think you can, think you can't, either way you are right" Think about it! Try it, give it a shot and be coachable.  In addition, try a little romance, "try a little tenderness." (Thanks Otis)

How about downloading some music and making her a CD of songs that remind you of her and of you as a couple.

Start with this one by Orleans:

"You're still the one that makes me laugh,
Still the one that's my better half,
We're still having fun, and you're still the one."

Yours 4 Love,
Carol

Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

mom81549 I agree with everything suggested but may I add one more. After menopause, a woman's body goes through changes that may make intercourse anywhere from uncomfortable to painful. I't hard to believe a woman who was deriving pleasure from intercourse would cut you off. I would hope one avenue would be to convince her she needs to talk to her medical doctor at her next yearly check-up, which she surely is having.
1 like this.
Mon Jan 31, 2011, 5:46:47 PM EST

luchito Dear Shut Out: You may want to make a personal assessment of how do you interact with your wife: Do you take her for granted? Is there any discussion concerning what you like and what she likes? Do you arrive/agree on a common ground? It seems to me that the communications have deteriorated to the point that you are "living with a roommate". You need to put some fire on your interactions as a couple and make a personal effort.
Mon Jan 31, 2011, 10:15:50 PM EST

barrynsharon Dear Shut Out ~ Maybe she is tired of Wham Bam, thank you madame.?? Wine, dine....then 30 minutes of foreplay...before you get ready to do the do, might help. She's given up on expecting anything more then what you've always given.. I feel sad for her. I know if my husband were to shake it up a bit, I'd been his sex slave! Good luck.
1 like this.
Tue Feb 1, 2011, 8:14:15 AM EST

AnnML After 29 years together it is well worth trying to work through this. Although it is 2011 many men and women have a difficulty talking about sex and more importantly talking about it with their partners. Having gone through menopause it is highly likely she has a lower libido now days and is experiencing pain when you have intercourse. And is to embarrassed to mention it, it never easy to tell some one that making love to them is painful now. She may also feel like you won�t want to hear that, because now you may have to change the way you show love and make love. Perhaps trying to spend some more time on romancing her, remember a hug, kiss, embrace or just holding hands can do wonders for both of you. Then after you have done that for awhile again with asking for or pushing for sex, talk to her. Let her know you love her and you would like to be able to share your love again, let her know you need her. Just remember to be open to what she says and do not become defensive. Best of luck to you both
1 like this.
Thu Feb 3, 2011, 2:29:20 PM EST

redfred0858 He really doesn't mention what their sex life was like previously. Nor does he say anything about his wife other than that she's nice, and a good mother. I suspect there are probably other underlying issues at play here, and it probably didn't suddenly start a year ago when she "shut him off." I have a feeling the wife probably would have lot's to say to a therapist, and it might not have a lot to with sex. And he might need to be in on that conversation, whether he wants to hear it or not. I think he knows this but doesn't want to confront it.
Fri Aug 26, 2011, 9:42:03 AM EDT

lwwings I'll bet anything that the wife has not been getting any satisfaction in bed . . . ever . . . or at least in a looooong time ! I know that if the sex and/or intimacy was good, she'd not be kicking him out of her bed . . .

Why would she want to discontinue something that was fun and exciting and very pleasurable ??? Doesn't make any sense at all, does it ?

And a woman likes to be treated with love, attention, and respect WITHOUT it ALWAYS leading to a sexual encounter . . .




Fri Aug 26, 2011, 9:53:02 AM EDT

Deblance59 I am kind of on the other end of the spectrum, I have recently been diagnosed with spinal stenosis and diabetes. I love my husband but don't think I'm in love with him any more. It's frustrating, because he's not romantic at all and like most men, not a good person to carry on a conversation with. I can't work any more and am waiting on my disability hearing in Oct. I'm bored, lonely, sex is a joke, and although I think I'm still attractive, and do my best to stay that way, he never tells me that I am. He works two jobs, because I can't work and money is tight. SHUT OUT, I wish I could help you but I'm in the same boat. Only mine isn't just sex, it EVERYTHING!!!
Sat Aug 27, 2011, 6:06:53 PM EDT

vf12 I married someone who had kids from his first marriage and I was shut out by his kids and his mother who made it clear that she wanted him to go back to his first wife.
Sun Aug 28, 2011, 12:34:33 AM EDT

Deblance59 vf12 How is your marriage? Do you feel like he loves you? I'm the last one who should give advice, but if he loves you, he'll let his kids and his mother know that you are his wife and you now come first. If the kids are grown, I hate to say it but he just might have to shut them out along with his mother. Remember, those people are his baggage, and he needs to get them straight. If he doesn't care how you feel, then you need to let him know that he can be shut out of his life for good. It's harsh but true. I've had to do that before myself and it worked. I WON!
Sun Aug 28, 2011, 5:35:35 PM EDT

vf12 deblance59 I am no longer married to him he chose his kids over our marriage and in reality all he wanted was to get his kids from their mother so he would not have to pay her child support.
Sun Aug 28, 2011, 10:16:22 PM EDT

Terri Well I am on the other side of this and I can tell you this one thing, It wasn't satisfying the last years and I don't mean physically. It was hey come visit me in my bed and that left me cold and disturbed to the point of nothing was better than that.We ended up divorcing and he found every reason for it but the truth. He was cold and unsupportive until he actually wanted sex. I want love, companionship ,hand holding then sex, not the cold shoulder TV and come over here every once in a while. I was like his mom and nurse than I was supposed to change in a flash. Didn't work for me.
Sun Sep 4, 2011, 10:37:25 PM EDT

timls51 Hey Shut Out,
Don't feel bad. We have not been physically intimate for over 5 1/2 years. On our 30th anniversary she made a speech that she could not handle the feelings she had when we got close. But she will not seek medical help. It has been very difficult to even hav
Tue Feb 14, 2012, 11:12:36 AM EST

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