Dear “OH CAROL:”
I’m 56 and was widowed 8 years ago. Yes, I’ve dated a bit over the years, but a year ago I met someone I thought was “the one.” We took it slow at first, but then after a couple of months, we decided to become exclusive.  I was thrilled.  Until a couple of days ago.  I accidently discovered that he’s been on an online dating site and has even sent some messages.   We’re not married, we’re not engaged, but we’ve discussed a future together in very serious terms.  We spend every weekend together, have met each other’s families and friends – and now, out of the blue, this.  Should I let him know what I stumbled upon?  I’m so hurt and confused I don’t know what to do.
Hurt and Confused



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear ‘Hurt and Confused:’

How did you "accidentally" discover this? My head is reeling with possibilities. Are you also on this site? Did you look in his email? Bottom line is that even if both of those answers are affirmative and you look underhanded, he is still out there flirting…perhaps even dating.

Should you tell him what you know? Of course the answer is YES. I also understand your possible need to avoid this and stick your head in the sand. Because you recently agreed to become exclusive this makes this even more disturbing. Even if "all" he's doing is writing messages, it is emotional cheating. Seems to me that maybe he is looking to see if someone "better" is out there. (I am not implying that you aren't good enough, it just may be something he is thinking on a conscious or subconscious level.)

I once had a man contact me from a dating site. He said many wonderful things, was very complimentary. I am not sure how it came up but he told me that he was seeing someone but he couldn't help himself (as far as flirting with me-and others I'm sure), that he was not ready to be exclusive with her even though he basically wasn't seeing others. I told him what I thought of that and how I'd feel if I were that woman and found out that the guy I was seeing was online flirting with others. He admitted to being a dog ("who let the dogs out") and knew it wasn't nice. I thanked him for being honest and crossed him right off my list!

What your guy is doing is very hurtful and definitely chockfull of mixed messages. You need to know the answers. Is he really serious about you? Does he really want a future with you? If so, why is he on a dating site? Be prepared... you might not get the outcome you desire but isn't it better to know now that he might be a scoundrel then finding out after you invest even more time with him? Let me know what happens. I am here for you!

Yours 4 love,
Carol
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EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com.

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hdcantrell I agree, let him know and remember there are others out there, still free and willing to apply themselves to longterm love soon.

Jul 30, 2012, 2:27 PM EDT

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