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“OH CAROL:”

I've been seeing a guy, Eric, for a year and we're talking about marriage.  We're both divorced and want to minimize potential difficulties. Well, there is one. My teenage daughter refuses to have anything to do with Eric's teenage son.  Mary says that her potentially new brother is considered a geek, a nerd at school and that she's mortified to be associated with him in any way. I'm at a loss at what to do - or say. Thanks for your help.

 His Geeky Son

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “His Geeky Son:”

Oh dear! Being divorced and the mother of a teenage daughter, my mind is spinning with this one.

I wish I knew how old both of these kids are to get a better gauge of how long before they're college-bound. In addition, you didn't say if you'd all be living together or does he live with him Mom? Does your daughter still go to her Dad on a regular visitation? There are so many variables here.

The best situation I can think of is that his son should visit you when your daughter visits her father. Then they never need to be under the same roof for any extended length of time. It may not be the best answer for a honey-mooning couple (always having someone's child around) but you are the adults and they are the kids. If the kids are miserable they will make your lives hell. Even happy teens can make you nuts! lol.

I also suggest that you watch your semantics. He is NOT her potentially "new brother" and at their age, she never needs to consider him a brother.

Nothing you can say will change her mind (yet) but I suggest that you get some counseling together with her. This may just be the tip of the iceberg and not what her real issue is. If you are only dating Eric for a  year then she knows him for less than a year.  It is too soon for her to think about all of you being a family and living together. My ex remarried after knowing his wife about 14 months. Our daughter was 14 at the time (she is now 17). His wife has 3 kids around the same age as my daughter and although she liked the kids and the wife, she was not ready for her Dad to be remarried and living with someone else's children. This is much harder on our kids than we realize.

I think of The Who: "See me, feel me, touch me, hear me."  Your daughter needs to be heard.  I suspect it's a lot more than Eric's geeky son.

Good luck to you and Eric. Can you give it some time?

Your 4 Love,
Carol

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