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Dear “OH CAROL:”

I am so very frustrated with this situation.  My husband and I have been married for 10 years (second for him, first for me.)  Anyway - he gives me the silent treatment anytime he's upset with me. And he can get upset over some really silly little things.  Then he pouts and won't talk until I apologize. And most of the time I haven't done anything wrong!  I'm sick of it.  Why would a grown man act like such an infant?   
He’s Such An Infant

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear He’s Such An Infant:
 
You ask why a grown man would act like such an infant?  The answer is simple but the reason is complex: CONTROL!

The silent treatment is a controlling and manipulative tool used by the passive partner, and in my opinion -very immature.  He may not always appear passive and in fact can appear to be quite strong, alpha in many ways. Shutting you out by not speaking is his punishment for something that he wants you to figure out and then beg for forgiveness.  He has no risk while you are frantically trying to figure out what you "did wrong."

So, how do YOU feel when he does this? Do you feel frustrated? Angry? Sorry? Scared?  Check in with your own feelings and notice how his behavior affects you.  It is NOT your job to be a mind reader and I doubt you are capable of it. You can't fix what's bugging him if he refuses to speak. Make it HIS problem, not yours.  Allow yourself to stop trying.  Take the focus off his controlling and immature behavior and pay attention to your own feelings.  I would absolutely tell him that you can sense something is upsetting him and invite him to discuss it and share it.  I would also let him know that you can't do anything to remedy it if he doesn't tell you what it is. If he still remains silent, then, (in your head) do the ol' "talk to the hand" attitude and walk away.  When you don't play, something's gotta give.  Don't let yourself get sucked into his childish games.  You may not be able to change what I guess is a lifelong behavior of his, but you CAN change how YOU CHOOSE to react to it.

Remember the song by Foreigner:
"Head games, that's all I get from you,
Head games, and I can't take it anymore."

When you stop playing then he has two choices: get over it and talk to you again; or stew in silence forever.  Maybe he is a fan of Simon & Garfunkle (The Sounds of Silence) and if so, then let it be.  It HAS to be harder for him to remain silent than it is for you to not hear.  Whatever it is that is causing him to not speak, it is HIS issue unless he chooses to share it with you with a goal of resolution.

Yours for Luv,
Carol
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EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com.

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