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“OH CAROL:”

At age 56, my husband has just admitted to having had an affair 15 years ago, when we had been married for 7 years.  He says he feels better, now that he’s “come clean,” - but quite frankly, I don’t.  Every time I try to bring up the affair or the state of our marriage now, he just says all is okay, that was all in the past and I should just “let it go.”  I can’t.  I’ve been to a counselor and he says the same thing that my husband says, to just let it go.  But that’s not happening. How do I move beyond?

He’s Come Clean But I Feel Awful!

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “He’s Come Clean:”

Working my way backwards in your letter, the first thing I want to say is GET A NEW COUNSELOR!  If you could "get over it", you would! You went to that counselor seeking guidance as to how to do so. His or her advice is cold and unfeeling. Go elsewhere. 

One might say, it was so long ago. The "ol' 7 Year Itch." Blah, blah, blah.  But the truth is, no matter how long ago he cheated, the information is new to you and it stings as if it just happened. It also makes you reflect back and doubt everything over the past 15 years.

How nice for him that he "feels better" after stabbing you in the heart.  So he has relieved himself of this burden by handing it over to you. What a guy!

Back to the first part of this response. I can't tell you how to get over it. We know that time can help, it always does. Time doesn't undo things though, nothing can. You are going to continue to visualize this over and over until you can work it out. Your husband needs to work at this too. He needs to do everything he can to earn your trust back and that is a challenging task. You need marital counseling and that involves both of you going together. Take a look at Harville Hendrix's website and see if there are any trained therapists in your area. http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/.

Having dealt with infidelity, I know how difficult this is for you. You can and will feel better but you can't sit and stew over it. It isn't healthy. All I can tell you is that you can get through this.

Your 4 Love,
Carol

redfred0858 So glad he feels better! It may be all in the past for him, but it's all brand new for her. And what kind of therapist tells you to "Get over it"?! She might get over it, (which could , and probably would take years), or she might decide she doesn't want a cheater for a husband and dump him. Either way, trust has been broken, and that's the most serious of all violations in a relationship. Confession or no, now is the time for him to face the consequences of his actions. He is the offender, she is the wronged party. There is always a price to be paid.
Wed Jul 27, 2011, 8:47:53 AM EDT

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