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“OH CAROL:”

I’ve been seeing “John” for 9 months now.  He’s fun and warm and we have a great time together, most of the time.  Unfortunately John, who’s 58, lost his job about 5 months ago.  His job was high-level and he was well-paid.  I admire his persistence and get-up-and-go attitude.  He’s been applying for jobs all over the country but so far there hasn’t been even a nibble.  I have a sinking feeling that this job search is not going to turn out well although I never say anything like that to him.  He’s beginning to become depressed, and I don’t blame him, but it’s also beginning to be “depressing” to be around him.  I honestly don’t think things are going to get better, just worse. Would it be better if I leave him now? What do you think?
Going from Bad to Worse

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear Going from Bad to Worse:

John has joined a sad and growing sign of our times. To make it worse, he is 58, an age when he dreamed of almost retiring and now he has to start over. I feel for him.

As for your sinking feeling, you may very well be right. You are in a tough predicament. You've only been seeing him 9 months. You may be in love with each other by now or you may have been taking it slow and seeing how it develops.

I also understand that at your age, you are not looking to envision a struggling financial future. So, what do you do about this predicament?

I think you might want to ask yourself a few questions. First, go back to when you first started dating him, when he was still employed. Can you separate the man from the job? What appealed to you about HIM? It's a hard thing to do because often it all gets tied in together. You go out to nice restaurants, he wasn't worrying about paying the bill or about his future, your conversation flows with no worries etc. He was not depressing to be with. Men are far more affected by a loss of a job than women are. Men tend to define themselves more by their profession and when that's taken from them, their self esteem takes a huge hit. It makes sense that John is depressed and of course that transcends to you and your relationship.

As for your question, I can't tell you that it would be better (or not) if you leave now, I'm hearing The Clash singing, "Should I stay or should I go now?"

It might be better for you, probably not for him at this time. However, YOU are not responsible for him, only he is. Of course it is hard not to feel responsible for hurting someone's feelings and timing couldn't be worse but the bottom line still has to be about you. I don't mean that in a selfish way. I mean it in a way that only you can know what's best for you. At this stage of life, it doesn't make sense to give up your needs and happiness to prevent hurting someone else. It never really makes sense to do so but when you're 23, you have time to make those kinds of mistakes.

I think you need to weigh out the good and the bad. See what you are comfortable with. What can you live with? What can't you live with? When he was still employed, did you see yourself staying with him or were there things about him that you weren't all that in to? Good luck to you and I hope he finds employment.

Your 4 Love,
Carol

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