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"OH CAROL:"

I am afraid to ask this of strangers, but I don't want anyone to know. My husband has no interest in having sex with me for going on 4 years now, complaining he is tired, too old, aches and pains. Well, I have put on over 40 pounds and now I understand why he wouldn't want me - but I still feel like a vibrant woman - with needs. Is sex a need or just a desire? Am I to look forward to just companionship for the duration of our life? He was only into felacio (sp) for the final couple years... since 2000 I guess. and I had to turn it around if I wanted it, then he couldn't orgasm... or wouldn't. I think it started by watching the birth of our child at 40 that really turned him off. Seeing "that thing" come out of me as he put it was a shocker. When I try to do things to reconnect, he laughs at me and tells me how can he get in the mood when he's laughing - maybe he's laughing at me. Question I guess is - since he has cut himself off intimately - is it over? We don't cheat on each other - loyal as dogs... but without intimacy and sex I feel so alone, even with a house full of kids. My youngest is 14, and it's really taking a mental toll on me. Therapy is out of the question. He's into Glen Beck and feels like a know-it-all... who doesn't need anything like that. "We are just old." he says. Any suggestions?
Does "Old" = No Intimacy?

LOVE 'N LIFE'S "OH CAROL" ANSWERS:

Dear Does "Old" = No Intimacy:

Hooboy - This is complicated so let me get through this one point at a time. But before I begin, I'd love to know if your husband has had a full medical work-up? Just want you to keep that in mind and see that he gets one (if you can) and therefore rule out anything physical that could have altered his desire.

OK, first of all, stop the negative self talk right now. 40 pounds? Big deal! How many of HIS babies did you give birth to? Do you think that alters not only one's body but metabolism as well? Not to mention age alters our metabolism, too. Does he look the same as he used to? Has he put on a few? Does he still have all of his hair? Has he sprouted any NEW hair in his ears, nose, or eyebrows (so attractive - NOT) that wasn't there before? None of us look like we used to. BUT I urge you to work on your self esteem and body image! Yes you are vibrant and sexy and desiring AND desirable and you should not have to be deprived of sex for the "duration" of your life with him.

I have read and heard about men getting turned off after seeing a baby being born. Did he really refer to your baby as "that thing?" I can't imagine how you must feel. Sure hope he doesn't treat that child like a "thing." You mentioned that you had that baby at 40. If that baby is the 14 year old that you referred to, and if my math is correct then you are only 54. How in the world is he saying that the two of you are old? He should be enjoying sex now more than ever. No need to worry about any more babies!

You also mentioned that at one time he was only into fellatio, well isn't that special of him?! He gets to be pleasured and you have to turn "it" around so he doesn't see it? What's in it for you? Where is your pleasure? Your orgasm? I am sorry but he sounds like a very selfish man. He laughs at you, can't look at you sexually anymore, says you are both too old, and wants no intimacy. I don't mean to sound rude here, but help me understand what appeals to you about this man?

As for therapy..... Glen Beck has a book out that he co-wrote with a psychiatrist who happens to be a good friend of his. Maybe you ought to point that out.

I don't think you should subject yourself to this pain and torment. You said it is taking a mental toll on you. Forget him for the moment and get yourself some therapy. Work through this with a trained professional. It sounds to me like you still love the guy. You may not be able to change your husband but you can learn to change how you chose to react to him.

"Doctor, doctor, give me the news

I've got a bad case of lovin' you

No pill's gonna cure my ill

I've got a bad case of lovin' you."

Yours 4 Love,
Carol

Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

Sailinggirl49 Dear NOT to old! There is nothing wrong with you sister, it is your man who has a screw loose (pardon the pun). Any man who calls his own child, that thing, and can only enjoy fellatio with you is not a real man. Are you sure he is not gay? I have a friend who married and a man and had children with him, of course he finally figured out he was really gay and that was the end of it. She complained of the same issues, he did not want to have sex, well there was a reason, but it was not her. I agree with Carol, find a professional to talk to even if he will not go with you, so you can figure out how or if you want to stay the rest of your life with a man like this. Good luck, do not give up, you have made the first step just by reaching out to Carol, keep going you are on the right track.
1 like this.
Fri Mar 11, 2011, 1:25:59 PM EST

AnnML I think he is pretending it is not a problem and is pushing off having a real discussion about the problem because he is embarrassed about some of his feelings and many not want to face them because of what he might discover about himself. I think you should print a copy of this letter and answers and have him read it alone, and then set a time to discuss it when the kids are out of the house send them to friends for the night. Try and set up a time when you can have a couple of hours without interruptions. If he tries to laugh it off, just stand there and wait for him to stop laughing. Do not say anything, just wait for him to compose himself and realize that you are not going to be brushed off. All the best to you.
1 like this.
Sun Mar 13, 2011, 12:58:53 PM EDT

Tony As a guy, I can tell you most of us do not like having discussions about our feeling or our inadequacies as a lover. You also need to be prepared to hear some things you might not want to hear about yourself.
Sun Mar 13, 2011, 1:07:26 PM EDT

uneeque35 Tony, You say as a guy that most of you don't like having discussions about your feelings and inadequacies. But if you're married to a woman and share your life with her, i'd think you would be able to comfortable share all things with her, and she the same with you. Husbands and wives are supposed to be good friends as well as lovers.
Sun Apr 3, 2011, 7:37:29 PM EDT

Kathy_R Getting him to be checked out by a physician is important. He may really have something going on--hypertension, diabetes, low Testosterone, etc., to name a few. Don't overlook this option!
Thu Feb 23, 2012, 2:13:46 AM EST

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