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“OH CAROL:”

My husband, Eric, and I have been married for 30 years. We have 2 grown kids who have started their own lives and are living elsewhere.  Out of the blue, Eric told me that he loves me - but that he’s not “in love” with me anymore.  He says the fact that I’ve gained some weight isn’t really the issue.  We have very few, if any, mutual interests and he says he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with me.  And we haven’t been close physically for months.  I’m devastated and don’t want a divorce.  What can I do to change his mind?
Devastated



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear Devastated:

The one relationship expression that freaks me out more than any is the "I LOVE you but I am not IN love with you" It is immature. How many couples feel the same thrill and passion they once felt when they first met. ESPECIALLY AFTER 30 YEARS!!! He needs to grow up.

On the other hand, and I hate to say this but I smell "smoke from a distant fire". Your letter reeks of an affair. He might be feeling that "in love" feeling with someone new and comparatively he doesn't feel that with you. Of course he doesn't. As I said, who does after 30 years? In addition, the fact that you two haven't had sex in months also concerns me. Again, I hate to say this but he could be getting it elsewhere. I know how much it hurts even to think about it but burying your head in the sand will NOT make it go away.

You can't "change his mind" but you can tell him how much you value the 30 years you've had together and suggest marital counseling. If he won't go, you go. Get yourself together because you could have a very bumpy road ahead. As I recently recommended, check out Harville Hendrix's site http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/  and see if there are any counselors in your area. Good luck to you.

Yours 4 love,
Carol

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