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Dear “OH CAROL:”

This is a second marriage for both of us, and each of us has teenagers.  My daughter (15) has been acting out toward my wife.  My daughter has been unusually rude and makes a lot of hurtful remarks.  My wife has asked me to intervene on her behalf, but I don’t know what to say or do.  Your help is sincerely needed.
Daughter Hates Her

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear Daughter Hates Her:

Ah yes... teenagers! I've got one myself!

I'd love more info as to whether she lives with you or her Mom? How old was she when you and her Mom split? How old was she when you met your new wife and married her?

The song that immediately came to mind today is one written by Sonny Bono upon his impending divorce from Cher:

Better sit down kids, I'll tell you why, kids.
You might not understand, kids.
But give it a try, kids.
Now how should I put this. I've got something to say.
Your mother is staying but I'm going away.
No, we're not mad, kids, it's hard to say why.
Your mother and I don't see eye to eye.

Since I don't know much about your situation, my advice is brief... take your daughter out to dinner, just the two of you, and in a loving and sincere way, just ask her what's going on. Treat her like an adult and validate her opinion and her feelings. I am sure she is feeling as if she 'lost" her Dad once to divorce and now it feels as if she's lost you again to marriage. She may not be aware of those feelings but I am sure they are deep in there somewhere. You might have to voice them for her and then assure that she hasn't lost you and that you love her, cherish her, will ALWAYS be there for her NO MATTER WHAT.

Also, tell her (& follow through on this) that you will make more time for just the two of you. This is crucial. More than likely whenever she sees you, she sees your wife too. You chose your second wife and you chose to love her. Your daughter did not make that choice and does not have to love her or even like her. She does need to learn how to be more respectful.  Also.... be sure that your wife is not creating a situation that you are unaware of.  If your daughter says she is, HEAR her! If she says that your wife has been rude to her etc. don't immediately dismiss the idea. Listen and nod. 

Hopefully your wife is not playing a part in it and that she is as smart as I am thinking she is by the fact that she asked you to intervene and not do it herself. I wish my daughter's stepmother were half as smart!

Keep in mind that teenage girls are VERY sensitive and can be overly dramatic about their interpretations of things. If you can, find out when she is pre-menstrual and avoid having the heart to heart with her at that time. You might also want to keep her away from your wife when she (your daughter) is PMSing.

For your daughter's sake, I hope you can work this all out and go on to have a lot of love in your lives!

Yours 4 Luv,
Carol 

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