Dear “OH CAROL:”

I know you normally deal with love/relationship problems but I hope you can help me as I'm at my wits end...My best friend of 40 yrs has a 39 yr old daughter who is a complete nightmare, as  is her crack-head low life husband. They have stolen money, credit cards, jewelry, even her identify and yet she continues to allow them to live in her home and support them. I have spoken to her, fought with her about this, and while she'll agree with me, she does nothing. It's at the point that I won't go to her home for fear they'll steal from me. I don't know what more to do except walk away from our friendship because I can no longer watch what has become of my friend's life...
Completely Frustrated

LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear ‘Completely Frustrated:’

When I look at people I love, who are being abused by the people they love (and this is abuse), at first I feel sad. You've probably been there for her through all the pleasures this child has brought her as well as each sniffle, flu, and teenage angst. Through the years you probably have offered a lot of support to your friend. I am willing to bet that you've received many a phone call of desperation, tears, and a whole "lotta" drama! Each time she called, you were there to lend an ear, a shoulder,  and give her your heart.

As I said, at first I feel sad.  But when I see that no changes are being made, I used to become frustrated and perhaps even angry until I learned to let it go and accept the fact that I can't change them. You need to let her be. We've all heard that the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. 

You said that you speak with your friend, fight with her and "while she'll agree with me, she does nothing," one might ask if you’re crazy, too? LOL.  Aren't you also doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results? "You may be right, I may be crazy."

I agree that if you feel unsafe being in her home that you should stay out of it and only see her in your home or out somewhere. There is no reason to end a 40 year friendship. Her issues are her issues. Even though you don't agree with her parenting style (& yes, even though the daughter is 39, this is a result of and continues to be parenting) the bottom line is that it isn't YOUR issue or your business. She is an enabler and has sucked you into it too.

I know, she makes it your business by calling you and dumping on you and asking for advice (that she never takes) but that is still the bottom line - it's her life. My man Billy has another appearance in this column, "I don't care what you say anymore. This is my life."

Be there for her, don't turn your back. Cool it if you need to but remain her friend. Nothing you can say or do will change her or her life. We teach people how to treat us. She has taught her kids that she will accept anything they throw at her. You don't need to accept what HER kids throw at her nor do you need to listen to her troubles day in and day out. Pick up the phone less often to call her. Take her calls at normal times of the day. If she is calling you at an off time then you can probably assume there is drama involved so let it go to voice mail.

Let it go and love her anyway. I bet you'd still have a great time with her if her kids were to disappear. See if you can regain some of that by meeting her for a bite or a drink and agree to not to discuss kids and only talk about things that bring you joy and laughter. I wish you peace.

Your 4 Love,
Carol
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EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com. 

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