Dear “OH CAROL:”
Back when I was 39, I fell in love with a man who was 60.  At the time we were both married to other people.  Our “affair” was a long-distance one and it lasted for almost 5 years.  I broke it off but didn’t give him any reasons or excuses.  I just didn’t return his calls or reply to his letters (yes, email was just beginning then, so we wrote each other).  Even though he lives in the central states and I live on the coast, I’ve kept tabs on him, because I’ve never stopped loving him.  I’ve learned that he’s dying now and I want to visit him.  I don’t want to start up where we left off 20 years ago.  I just think we both need closure.  I’m not sure how I would manage this.  But should I pursue this idea?
Closure After 20 Years?



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear ‘Closure After 20 Years:’

I am not sure who this closure is really for... you? or him? Almost 20 years ago, you decided to cut him out of your life with no explanation, reasons or excuses. Probably the best decision but maybe not the best way to go about it. So now you are almost the age he was when you first fell in love and he is now 80 and dying and you wonder if you should see him? "If I could turn back ti-ime" but we can't sooooo what to do?

My head is reeling with questions because once again so much is left out of the letter. Let's start with this: You said that you've kept tabs on him all these years because you never stopped loving him. Shall I assume that you never again made contact because one or both of you are still married? BTW, that kind if love is usually all fantasy and serves no purpose other than taking away from the love you could've had with your husband. NO man (or woman) can live up to the fantasy we create in our head about someone else!

As for seeing him again, you need to deal with your own conscience when it comes to your life and your marriage (if you are married) but I have a stronger concern about his life and his wife (if he has one)

Her husband of 20+ years is dying. What if she knew about your affair? I would imagine that you would be the last person she'd want to see. What if she DOESN'T know about you? Then the questions would come up as to who you are. What's he going to say? Either way, it will taint the memories of their life together.

If he is divorced, I would still tell you not to go. What if your affair was the reason they divorced? Does he have children and grandchildren with that woman? Unless they despise each other, I will assume that they will all want to be with him in his last days. Once again, your presence does not belong there.

If you really feel the need to have closure --  or if you think after all these years that HE needs closure (especially because of how you behaved), then find another way to make contact. Phone, email, text, Skype, are all ways that you can communicate without having to be there in person and possibly creating a lot of pain. This is not just about you. I think pursuing this idea will cause a lot of hurt to a lot of people.

Yours 4 Love,
Carol
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EDITOR’S NOTE:  In addition to serving as “Oh Carol” for After Fifty Living visitors, Carol Ziegler is a dating coach and an "online dating" expert.  If you need help writing your dating profile, or would like assistance selecting possible dating partners, consider utilizing Carol’s fee-based services.  Carol, who was a professional matchmaker for many years, can also guide and coach you through the process.  Like to know more? Email her at OhCoachCarol@gmail.com.

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padre1955 My theory is this. Once or twice in our lives we meet someone
whom we just " connect" with based on our needs at that time. I too met someone much younger, she was 20 I was 50. This lady offered me more in love and communication than any woman I've ever met and known. I too was married. We split up much for same reasons as you. Long short, I thought I too needed closure, I called her few years after we split. I found out that we both were different people not the same as when we first met, she was nowhere near the angel I made her out to be. You may need to contact your guy just to learn this lessen also. However know this you are setting yourself up for a huge letdown. I say keep those memories in your heart and let him go! People come into our lives for right reasons but they also leave for same!
Good luck. Mark

Jun 10, 2012, 4:08 PM EDT

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