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“OH CAROL:”

I was married for 20 years.  My wife wanted a divorce and the proceedings were awful, lasting for more than 5 years.  Yeah - that’s not an exaggeration.  And any thought of her makes my blood boil.  After a while, I remarried 4 years ago and my new wife, Phyllis, is very different from the first one.  Phyllis keeps telling me to stop “being bitter.”  While I know there may be some truth in what she says, my first wife has poisoned my children when it comes to me and I just can’t forgive that.  I’m tired of Phyllis telling me to get over the divorce.  My whole life has been damaged as a result my first wife’s actions and I’m tired of being told I’m wrong to feel the way I do. How do I get Phyllis to stop trying to fix what can’t be fixed.
Bitter Taste



LOVE ‘N LIFE’S “OH CAROL” ANSWERS:

Dear “Bitter Taste:”

One thing I can tell you is if you want Phyllis to "stop trying to fix what can't be fixed" just keep acting this way toward her and I assure you, Phyllis will stop trying and could very well be your next ex-wife.

You said that Phyllis is very different from your former wife. YAY! Embrace that! Embrace her! And thank her every day for bringing happiness and trust back in to your life. Instead, you are punishing her for your ex wife's behavior instead of being grateful. You will never get your ex to see your side (& visa versa) so stop trying. The longer you allow your blood to boil the more connected you stay to her. YOU are allowing her to rent way too much space in your mind. You need to admit that you will not get what you want from your ex- EVER. Take some advice from Cheryl Crow "It's not having what you want, it's wanting what you got." You "got" Phyllis-- LOVE HER!

5 years of a divorce sucks and can make for a lot of hatred. I am not even going to ask about the poisoning of the kids to turn them against you. I've heard that said so many times, in some cases it's true, and in others, sadly, the ex didn't poison them, their own actions did and yet the offending parent doesn't see it. I don't know your story but I do know that kids universally need to feel loved by both parents NO MATTER WHAT! So, Love them no matter what. Send them texts, emails, phone calls, or smoke signals just telling them that you love them and don't stop because they are not returned or the feelings aren't reciprocated. Hopefully one day, that will turn around for them and for you.

I am sure Phyllis does not feel all that she is all that special to you if you are still seething over the past. Take some more advice from Cheryl Crow and book a trip for just the 2 of you and "soak up some sun."

If it REALLY can't be fixed, then you need to accept that and stop allowing it to affect your life and dictate your future. You can't change the past but you can change how you chose to react to it in the future. If you really can't let go, you need professional help.

Yours 4 Love,
Carol

Most Recent First Oldest First Most Popular First

lwwings GREAT advice, Carol ! Couldn't have said it better myself !
Sat Jan 21, 2012, 4:38:58 PM EST

MrsB61 Being bitter is like drinking poison, hoping the other person gets sick. All it does is hurt YOU and those around you. Your x wife is out enjoying your life and not worrying about whether you are bitter or not - it's not affecting her at all. All you are doing is letting her control you and your life. You can't change what happened, you can't change it by being bitter - but the only thing you are going to change is your marital status again. Get some counseling - embrace the relationship you have now - and enjoy your life instead of wasting one precious moment on a person who no longer wants a relationship with you. A great way to start is, everyday, make a list of 100 things that you are blessed with each day. They can be simple things like the sky, the air you breath - and the bigger things like the woman you share your life with now. Be happy! Life is way too short wasting any more of it on someone that isn't worth spending another minute thinking about.
Sat Jan 21, 2012, 4:49:38 PM EST

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