Gary Chalk

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Meet the blogger

Gary Chalk is a Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada’s Dave Barry– usually by tax collectors who don’t have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he’ll pay any taxes owing!
As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech ‘I Don’t Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines’ which transforms audiences into a ‘wrinkle-free zone’ where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife’s dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream!  His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit

Thoughts about being after 50

Here in Canada there are about 9-million baby boomers, which is 18- million cataracts, 18- million knee replacements and 18- million hip replacements in the works!!
* Don’t tell anyone, but my wife still wants to work, so each morning I make her a coffee and as she goes out the door I say, ‘Honey retirement isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.” So far she believes me!
* When people ask me how old I am, I tell them, “I’m

Memory Lane Alert! A Case for the Maytag Lonely Repairman. Oh my…

What you are about to read is the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. So help me Maytag Lonely Repairman. Here’s what happened… Years ago, Jan and I agreed to purchase a Maytag washer and dryer. We were convinced Maytag was a trusted brand. This was based on exhaustive research: Jan’s comment, “Gary, I feel sorry for that poor Maytag...Read More

When Your Wife Says ‘THE DEN’… She Means ‘THE DEN’

If you are a married woman, what you about to read may incite a violent action. I’m talking about something even worse than opening the kitchen cupboard that sets off a Tupperware avalanche! “Hello 9-1-1!!! This is Eunice Entwistle calling. I need help! I’m buried in a gazillion plastic containers and mismatched lids. It’s reaching all the way up t...Read More

Nobody Likes a Mr. Sniffles!

Reader Alert… The following contains graphic descriptions and is intended for mature readers. People with a weak stomach may puke. I told Jan the way any sensitive middle age man would tell his wife he has thick mucous in his throat, “Dear, I’m sorry I was horking all night long and kept you awake.” Horking– Latin for ...Read More

A Dummies Guide To Downhill Skiing

Today, let’s take a break from the pressing matters of everyday life– the cost of electricity, the cost of health insurance, and adult onset toe fungus. Instead, let’s reminisce of the carefree time of our youth… Every Saturday afternoon we’d watch the opening of Wide World of Sports on television. Guys would howl laug...Read More

Stick a Fork in Kitchen Renos

The survey numbers don’t lie. 82% of married couples say renovating their kitchen increased the value of their home. 18%– husbands with big screen televisions– said, “We have a kitchen?” Everybody agreed: the kitchen makeover pushed their family debt to a level equal to the rate of inflation found in the countries Putin invades. So let’s examine wh...Read More

Car Navigation Systems Lead To Divorce!

Jan and I made our 2017 New Year’s resolutions… I resolved to lose the final 15 pounds on last year’s 10-pound diet. Jan shocked me with her New Year’s resolution. “Let’s learn to use your cars electronic navigation system.” Hmmm… I thought carefully about what I should say. I needed to remain calm and convinced myself not to overreact. Then I scre...Read More

Transform Your Husband into Fabio

Ladies. I’m telling you. It’s like I’m a new man! It began when my wife gave me my gifts for Christmas. Bang! Just like that I’ve been restaged. I’M ALL NEW FOR 2017! Jan is onto something so special that I’m convinced she’s discovered the perfect elixir that can transform millions of football obsessed, Frank’s hot sauce crazed, beer guzzling baby ...Read More

Hearing Loss Among Middle-Age Men.

I have a simple theory that goes like this… The longer men are married, the more they lose their hearing. And you know why? Because they want to! I’ve always believed I have been blessed with pretty good ears. But not for important stuff like making myself look 40-years younger by piercing my ears so I can dangle jewelry on them like a rapper: 6″ g...Read More

Back Splash Backlash!

It’s official. I had a DTM: Donald Trump Moment. A Donald Trump Moment is when a middle age man– suddenly, right out of the blue– says something stupid! My Donald Trump Moment happened during the Christmas holidays while visiting friends at their new home. It is a condo and it’s absolutely beautiful! As I walked around in my...Read More

‘Twas the Night Before Christmas….

  ‘Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house, Not a creature was stirring ….Except Dad– who Mom and the kids call ‘the louse.’ The stockings were hung by the chimney with care, In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there … with the fuchsia red Victoria Secret pyjamas Dad ordered for his wife! The children were nestled all ...Read More

“Shop-and-Ship!” Ho Ho, Say THAT 5 Times Fast!

Beware. Here’s something that will make your turtle doves dump all over your holidays… It’s less than TWO WEEKS until Christmas!! Hey, get a-hold of yourself: Relax. Take a deep breath. Text ‘OMG’ to your ‘followers.’ If you are a true dyed-in-the-wool shopper you are already right out of friggin’ con...Read More

Happy (Canadian) Thanksgiving, Eh?

Thanksgiving Day in Canada. It is a day many will give thanks… and prey that Donald Trump loses. Before I dribble turkey giblet gravy down my pants, I will attempt to explain why Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving in October, whereas in the United States they wait until late-November. The short answer is that Americans are way too preoccupied i...Read More

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