Gary Chalk

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Meet the blogger

Gary Chalk is a Canadian humorist on a mission: ‘turn people’s wrinkles into laugh lines.’ Gary has been described as Canada's Dave Barry-- usually by tax collectors who don't have a sense of humor. They figure if they can help him make some money he'll pay any taxes owing! As a public speaker, Gary is available to deliver his laugh out loud, inspirational speech 'I Don't Have Wrinkles, I Have Laugh Lines' which transforms audiences into a 'wrinkle-free zone' where he relates his on-air bloopers as a young radio announcer through to his current musings Living Retired. Nothing is sacred as Gary talks about his wife's dozen decorator pillows on their bed, wearing nasal strips, watching a husband and wife parallel park their Winnebago, to undergoing his annual physical! By the end everyone in the audience is sure to leap out of their seat and toss their wrinkle cream!  His popular weekly column ‘Living Retired’– read by baby boomers and retirees throughout North America– transforms everyday mundane chores into wonderfully laugh out loud events! To read more of Gary’s antics visit www.LivingRetired.press.

Thoughts about being after 50

Here in Canada there are about 9-million baby boomers, which is 18- million cataracts, 18- million knee replacements and 18- million hip replacements in the works!! * Don't tell anyone, but my wife still wants to work, so each morning I make her a coffee and as she goes out the door I say, 'Honey retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be." So far she believes me! * When people ask me how old I am, I tell them, "I'm AfterFiftyLiving.com.

The “Thirty, Thirty” Method for Buying Garden Mulch

Want a great way to send the guy next door right over the top? I mean so bad that he completely loses it like Sean Spicer at a White House press briefing? You’re going to love this; it is so bad. Here’s what you do… Arrange to have a load of garden mulch dropped off at the end of your driveway on a Saturday morning. Then, stand near your phone… Rin...Read More

A “Rain-A-Geddon” Weekend

Today’s Living Retired is presented by the Umbrella Manufacturers Association whose slogan is: ‘We keep making umbrellas because you idiots keep losing them!’ This past weekend  residents in the Midwest and eastern North America suffered through three days of torrential rainstorms! How bad was it? Well I know you’re going to...Read More

It’s Spring! Time for “Lawn-Mower Lowdown!”

It’s spring. Husbands get up from the breakfast table after scarfing down two pounds of bacon– and pop a cholesterol pill. “I think I’ll go to the garage and try to start the lawnmower so it’s ready for the summer.” Wives turn a shade of white– think ‘Cloud White, part of the Benjamin Moore Classic Color Collection; warm with neutral undertones.’ T...Read More

The “Did You Poop Your Diaper?” Sniff

The good news: the snow has melted. The bad news: the mounds of mud on your front lawn makes it look like there was a tractor pull! The good news: April showers bring May flowers. The bad news: your sump pump breaks down! The first sign the sump pump malfunctioned– which is a nice word for ‘#!¥#!’– is when you return from yo...Read More

7 Things Our Parents Said on Roadtrips

Baby boomers were raised going on family summer road trips.Our parents wanted the family to travel through the countryside– enjoying roadside picnics overrun by ants and staying at motels overrun by spiders. Kids just wanted to get back home and play with their friends. To accomplish this they would sit in the backseat of the car and perfect the ar...Read More

Top 5 Conversations Couples Have When Traveling

The Luggage Zipper Council of America– whose motto is: ‘Way More Is Way Better!’– has discovered the top 5 conversations every couple has when they go on vacation. The findings are published in their report entitled: ‘Women Are From Planet Matching Soft-Sided Luggage; Men Are From Planet Missing In Action When Packing.’ The first page of the report...Read More

Memory Lane Alert! A Case for the Maytag Lonely Repairman. Oh my…

What you are about to read is the truth. The whole truth. And nothing but the truth. So help me Maytag Lonely Repairman. Here’s what happened… Years ago, Jan and I agreed to purchase a Maytag washer and dryer. We were convinced Maytag was a trusted brand. This was based on exhaustive research: Jan’s comment, “Gary, I feel sorry for that poor Maytag...Read More

When Your Wife Says ‘THE DEN’… She Means ‘THE DEN’

If you are a married woman, what you about to read may incite a violent action. I’m talking about something even worse than opening the kitchen cupboard that sets off a Tupperware avalanche! “Hello 9-1-1!!! This is Eunice Entwistle calling. I need help! I’m buried in a gazillion plastic containers and mismatched lids. It’s reaching all the way up t...Read More

Nobody Likes a Mr. Sniffles!

Reader Alert… The following contains graphic descriptions and is intended for mature readers. People with a weak stomach may puke. I told Jan the way any sensitive middle age man would tell his wife he has thick mucous in his throat, “Dear, I’m sorry I was horking all night long and kept you awake.” Horking– Latin for ...Read More

A Dummies Guide To Downhill Skiing

Today, let’s take a break from the pressing matters of everyday life– the cost of electricity, the cost of health insurance, and adult onset toe fungus. Instead, let’s reminisce of the carefree time of our youth… Every Saturday afternoon we’d watch the opening of Wide World of Sports on television. Guys would howl laug...Read More

Stick a Fork in Kitchen Renos

The survey numbers don’t lie. 82% of married couples say renovating their kitchen increased the value of their home. 18%– husbands with big screen televisions– said, “We have a kitchen?” Everybody agreed: the kitchen makeover pushed their family debt to a level equal to the rate of inflation found in the countries Putin invades. So let’s examine wh...Read More

Car Navigation Systems Lead To Divorce!

Jan and I made our 2017 New Year’s resolutions… I resolved to lose the final 15 pounds on last year’s 10-pound diet. Jan shocked me with her New Year’s resolution. “Let’s learn to use your cars electronic navigation system.” Hmmm… I thought carefully about what I should say. I needed to remain calm and convinced myself not to overreact. Then I scre...Read More

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