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Forgiveness

By Jo-Anne | Published: January 14, 2012

Stormy weather.

Yesterday, while walking in a public building, my eyes glanced to a monitor on the wall. It was displaying a saying by Norman Cousins and I stopped to make sure I “absorbed” the message. The saying, “Life is an adventure in forgiveness,” raised my spirits. Isn’t it wonderful to think that we humans really and truly spend time forgiving each other. Or is that pure naiveté speaking. I’m After Fifty, after all. In reality, it’s tough to forgive, tough to move on, tough not to lash out. But after a few minutes, I concluded that it’s even tougher to NOT to forgive, NOT to move on, and lashing out??? No one is a better person when that happens.

So here’s my adaptation of Mr. Cousins’ wonderful saying: It’s a good life that is spent forgiving.

I moved on with my day but toward early evening I got a call. A considerably younger female friend was on the other end, and while she tried to muffle her sobs, you could tell her heart was breaking. She and her significant other had a falling out – more serious than any she had ever experienced. Now over the previous month this couple had experienced great personal trauma as well as professional devastation. No wonder nerves were frazzled and edgy. “My dear,” I said, “forget the ‘I said, he said’ stuff. Remember one thing. You are in a partnership. This individual is your most significant partner. You need to treat him like fine china, like shining crystal. And let him know that since you are partners, you look forward to him treating you the same way.” And then, Norman Cousin’s saying popped into my head. “Life is indeed an adventure in forgiveness. So forgive him. And move on. Remember, you’ve both had a very difficult time recently. And you need to be very gently with each other. You are both healing. So part of that healing process – forgive the foolishness. It was just a blip on the screen of life.”

Almost 36 hours later she called to offer thanks for the advice. Things were significantly better. “Don’t thank me,” I said. “Thank yourself. Thank yourself for being open to forgiveness. And oh, Norman Cousins – give him a pat on the back!”

Posted in forgiveness, friendships, happiness | Leave a comment

Midlife and Crisis

By Jo-Anne | Published: April 17, 2011

Someone just forwarded me an article written by Vivian Diller, Ph.D. which recently appeared in the Huffington Post: Surviving Midlife Without A Crisis: Step One. Dr. Diller is a talented, articulate writer, who makes some interesting points. But I’m going to digress for a moment and say that as I was finishing up this piece, I received a call from a friend who was in the midst of a very real, absolutely horrifying life crisis – and not as in “mid” life crisis. I’ll come back to the call in a moment.

Diller asserts that the phrase “midlife crisis” in outdated, emotionally charged, and just plain inaccurate. She proposes instead that we use the phrase, “emerging maturity” when referring to that time of life in which we experience “a heightened awareness of the many years that lie ahead, and a wish to bring fulfillment to the rest of the journey.” We all have, in Diller’s words, an “Uh-Oh” moment in which we must accept that we are moving on. If we’re “wise,” we acknowledge the uh-oh moment and pull-over on the roadway of life, and take a breather while we seek guidance and try to figure out what makes most sense for the next part of the journey. Okay. This is how life should work. Things should be thoughtfully planned and researched so that wisdom prevails. Maybe if that’s all there was to this article, I’d say, “Nice try, Vivian. But real people don’t live like that.” In real life, as we all know too well, wisdom doesn’t always win out over foolish mistakes and horrible blunders.

The saving grace, though, is when Vivian says that the “uh-oh” moment in Emerging Maturity may be filled with frightening emotion reminding us of the “fragility of life.” She promises in a future article to discuss how we can effectively deal with all this and thereby “resolve” our emerging maturity and avert crisis.

Back to my phone call. The phone call is from a friend who is a single parent. She started her family in her late 30’s and she currently works two jobs to put 2 of her children through college. Anyway, “Mary” is weaving wildly through traffic trying desperately to make it to the hospital. Her oldest, 21, a college student, has been admitted. He’s had a complete psych breakdown and on top of that, he’s loaded with drugs and is going through withdrawal. She doesn’t know where to turn or what to do. Maybe if Mary lives through this, she’ll recognize it as one of Diller’s Uh-Oh moments, because it sure is filled with frightening emotion. But Mary doesn’t have time to pull over on the roadway of her life to ponder and/or come to terms with whatever. And I bet that most of the frazzled, overworked, exhausted single parents out there don’t have the time or the patience for pondering either.

So, I’m concluding that dealing effectively with the realities of aging, which is really what Diller means by “resolving emerging maturity,” is actually a luxury that’s experienced only by a very limited few. I hope I’m wrong. I want all the Mary’s out there to have satisfying mature years. But with all due respect, Dr. Diller, I just don’t believe you’ll be able to develop the magic potion that will enable us all to “survive midlife without a crisis.” For some, life’s roadway is too badly littered.

Posted in Mid-Life crisis, aging | 5 Comments

Black, White, and Shades of Gray

By Jo-Anne | Published: March 27, 2011

Vivian Diller, Ph.D. has recently published a thought-provoking article, The Beauty Paradox: When Feminism and Vanity Collide, in the Huffington Post. Diller says that Boomer women are in conflict – over our looks, our appearance and how it all plays out given feminism philosophy. Diller says we have two distinct messages we are trying to process.

Message One: Your looks shouldn’t matter. They are superficial. It’s what is inside that counts. Stay true to your real self. Let your looks take their natural course as you age.

Message Two: Your looks should matter and they always will. Defy aging at whatever the cost, in any way you can, lest you become invisible. Oh, and be sure to make it look natural!

Being an After-Fiftier, I have a number of years of good, hard living under my belt. And I have learned that life is rarely well-represented by the black and white picture being painted by Dr. Diller in her messages above. So, this is where Diller and I would come to blows. I believe there is a third message, a third philosophy to consider. Here goes.

Message Three: Your looks matter and they always will. So do your best to maintain your health, fitness, and wellness levels. When your emotional and physical health is well maintained, your appearance will be naturally optimized for you, which, in turn, will help to optimize other aspects of your life.

Human intervention has almost always been appropriate when it comes to significant life concerns. We establish schools and require our children to attend them. So, we “intervene” in childhood in order to produce a better prepared society. We establish hospitals and allow our citizens to receive treatment within them. Medical intervention in cases of illness and accident are almost always appreciated and welcomed. But it is intervention, nevertheless. We establish traffic lights and traffic rules so we can travel reasonably well from point A to point B.
Message One says that looks are superficial. It’s what’s inside that counts. This message is partially true and is partially false. Sure, what’s inside counts – that’s important. But what’s outside matters, too. If you haven’t done what you need to do to maintain the body (proper diet, exercise, rest, and more) then the body breaks down and is unable to function. And then, well, you know what happens. And it doesn’t matter what was inside, because the body, including its insides, dies off.

I believe a far better message for Boomer Women AND Boomer Men, is to live a healthy lifestyle. People with well-integrated, healthy psyches rarely are distracted by attempts to make them look 30 or 40 years younger than their true age. And people who eat well-balanced meals, exercise, and get their rest usually have wonderful posture, and portray equally wonderful mindsets and outlooks. And, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being vital and vibrant – or looking wonderful, for that matter. Vitality and vibrancy do indeed come from within and reflect how we have both treated and cared for ourselves.

So, let’s hear it for Message Three! Life, like hair color, is rarely all the black and white portrayed by Messages One and Two. Let’s hear it for a little gray!

Posted in Appearance, Baby Boomers, aging, women | Leave a comment

Cosmetic Surgery: To Do Or Not To Do

By Jo-Anne | Published: March 18, 2011

Cosmetic surgery. I’m uncertain about where I stand on the “should I or shouldn’t I” debate. Notice that I didn’t say plastic surgery. There are many reasons when people, as a result of disease or accident, may require and/or benefit from realignment. No. Let’s have a debate about cosmetic surgery.

I’m a proud member of the generation for whom wrinkles are overtaking smooth acreage on the body. When the wrinkles first started to appear, I would say, with certain loftiness, “I’m proud of every one of them! For the most part, they were formed as a result of genuine concern I had for a fellow member of the human race.” But let’s be honest. The appearance of these wrinkles also causes me to be “discounted.” Ever walk into a room full of people you’ve never met who are primarily 40 and under? If so, you know what I mean. And bottom line, I don’t like being discounted before I’ve been given a fair shake.

I was at a local pharmacy the other day when in walked a woman who turned heads as she walked by. She was tall – and stood tall (always love to see that) and straight. She had a full head of short, magnificently cut all-white hair. And she was dressed wonderfully in youthful, colorful clothing. From a distance she looked 40-something. But as she came closer, something wasn’t quite right. The face had been pulled too taut, one time too many. And the clothing stopped looking wonderful. Instead it looked silly on someone who was probably mid-to-late 70’s. And I silently whispered under my breath, “Please, Jo-Anne, don’t ever do this.” I felt the same way I feel when I see someone drive by in a Hummer…a lot of pity.

So, this is what I’ve concluded. Given the alternative, being my/our age is a pretty good thing. Cosmetic surgery will probably not be in my future. If cosmetic surgery is part of your life, well, good for you. Just remember the lady in the pharmacy. Know when “enough is enough.” In the meantime, I’m going to get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water, eat fruits and veggies, and adhere to an exercise routine. And, I’m going to practice “age-pride.” I’ll learn to ignore (with grace and class, of course) the snubs of those who are foolish enough to discount me and my peers simply because of the wrinkles. Maybe I’ll just attribute their foolishness to their inexperienced youth!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Federal Budget and Debt – Oh Boy!

By Jo-Anne | Published: March 12, 2011

The US Treasury Department is estimating that the government will hit its $14.3 trillion ceiling (yes, that’s a “t” for trillion) sometime soon – most likely between April 15 and the end of May. A few in Washington are talking about raising the debt ceiling – but most (on both sides of the table) are adamantly against that. And for the record, I believe the debt ceiling should not go any higher.

Sound simple enough? Just do it??? We all know otherwise. For example, Mitch McConnell, the Republican Senate Leader says the GOP senators are insisting on cost cuts for the holy triumvirate of Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. Yes, costs need to be cut, absolutely. And since these 3 programs account for 40% of the federal spending, even I have to admit that it makes sense to “look” for economies within these programs. But I’m not hearing Sen. McConnell putting other programs on a budget diet. So yes, it makes sense to look for economies in lots of other places, too. For example, let’s start by closing those enormous tax loopholes.

Actually, I don’t envy Sen. McConnell, or the President, either. This is an enormous pickle we’ve gotten ourselves into – and it won’t be easy by any stretch to get us out of this. And don’t cop out by saying the politicians got us into this mess – ’cause you and I are the ones who sent those politicians to our state capitols and to DC. (And if you didn’t vote, you’re even a bigger part of the problem.) So, imagine for a moment that you’re the President and you’re going to present to a Senate hearing. (Just play along for a moment.) Here’s an interactive chart from the NY Times that displays the 2011 proposed budget by categories. It also shows, using color coordination, how much of an increase or decrease each program area would experience over the previous year. So you can use this to do your homework in preparation for your Senate hearing presentation. Go to it! Play president. Pick and choose, slash and slice. Exactly what would the budget proposal look like if you were the Prez and you were intent on bringing down the debt. If you’re someone with any sense of ethics and concern for your fellow citizens, then let me tell you, this is a really, really difficult undertaking. I guarantee your head will be spinning after about 3 minutes.

Posted in Federal Debt, Federal budget, Medicare, economy, social security | Leave a comment

Exercise, Mice, and Brick Walls

By Jo-Anne | Published: March 4, 2011

There’s a wonderful article which appeared in the NY Times earlier this week, Can Exercise Keep You Young. The article explains that “exercising” mice significantly outlive sedentary mice. In addition, the exercising mice have a much better quality of life – they stay youthful and vital for much longer periods. I find these findings to be inspiring. So the article got me thinking about two things: first, I thought about my husband, who has been walking at least 3-5 times a week for ages now; and second, I thought about how difficult it is for most of us to climb over a brick wall life may throw in our path if we actually do start exercising.

First, my husband. People are usually very surprised to learn how old hubby really is. Most think he’s at least 5, if not 10 years younger than his birth certificate would attest to. And very much like the exercising mice in the article above, his walking has really paid off. He doesn’t take any meds – none whatsoever, his doc says he has the ticker of an 18 year-old, and he sails through his physicals – usually. So let me shorten what could be a lengthy story. Mr. Super-Health developed a problem and very recently underwent major surgery. Recoup time will be at least 6 weeks. He’s lost almost 20% of his body weight, and is understandably tired and weakened. Too tired and too weak to pick up his walking routine where he left it before this saga began. And that leads into my second point.

Second, climbing over brick walls. Hubby is impatient with the pace of healing and may even be a bit angry that he feels so darn rotten. Life has thrown him a brick wall. He knows exercise is good (don’t we all???) but he’s physically not able to jump right in where he left off. But we’re lucky. We have a treadmill conveniently located right within our home. So, with prodding, he’s been getting on the treadmill and doing little bits – and those little bits are slowly turning into bigger bits. He’s up to almost 10 minutes now (and please don’t write and tell me that’s inconsequential – because, quite frankly, it’s GREAT!). So slowly but steadily he’s starting to ascend.

We all know that we should exercise (along with so many other things we really should do). But we’re human. And because we’re human (we’re not mice), life will throw brick walls into the pathway of our good intentions. And when we face our brick walls, we need to reach out for help – we may need a boost to get us over that huge brick hump. Hubby’s “boost” is the treadmill sitting in our home combined with a bit of nudging on my part to get him on it.

Brick walls are inevitable. But it’s how we face those brick walls, and climb over them, that separate the men from the mice.

Posted in exercise, fitness, health, life lessons | Leave a comment

In Sickness and In Health

By Jo-Anne | Published: February 19, 2011

I’ve been camped out for the last couple of weeks in Baltimore, MD. We came here so Lou, my husband, could have surgery at the Johns Hopkins University Hospital. We live in New England, near a pretty significant medical mecca. But his surgery is known to be extremely complex, and the most accomplished surgeon for this surgery – in the world – is located here. So here we are. And on an up note, please know that the surgery went well and Lou is recovering, after a bit of a bump, even better than expected.

After his surgery, Lou was placed in the Intensive Care Unit, as is the standard procedure. When I was finally allowed to go into the ICU to be with him, I don’t know why, but I was surprised by his appearance. He looked so very tired, almost beaten. But nevertheless he managed a smile. And I said to him, “I’m here. I’m going to stay to make sure you’re okay.” And he said, “Yes, we’re a team.”

A “team.” It’s easy, even fun, to be part of a team when things are going well. But this…well, it really threw us for a loop. Our “team” has been blessed with good health for a very long time. But do know, this is not the first time the team has faced tough issues of many sorts, and we’ve weathered the storms. And as is the case with all Class A teams, we celebrate each other’s strengths, and do our best to compensate for the weaknesses. So we’ll learn from this experience and it, too, will make us stronger.

Kinda nice to be Co-Captain of a winning team!

Posted in Marriage, health | 2 Comments

Daddy’s Girl

By Alicia King | Published: February 12, 2011

I admit it.  I was always a daddy’s girl.  Don’t get me wrong. I was very close to my mom, too. I was lucky.  I had two loving, involved parents.   Still, my dad and I were tight.  When my parents split, I couldn’t bear to see him alone, so I left our cushy family home and slept on the lumpy couch of his rental house.  I sought his approval and was always thrilled to see him in the audience of a school play or the sidelines of a little league game.  

My dad always bought sentimental Valentine’s Day cards for my mom, sister and me.  The serious, mushy kind.  I remember one year his girlfriend bought funny cards for them both to sign.  I eventually worked up the nerve to tell him I missed the old ones. He smiled and said he liked those better too, and went back to them after that.

I could always count on my dad to be my biggest fan.  He encouraged my love of cooking, eating anything I made. No matter how it turned out, he always claimed it was the best he had ever tasted.  Over the years, I sang in a few bands.  My dad saw me perform with all but one of them, often driving for hours to catch a show. Once I began writing music seriously, he would listen carefully to every demo.  Without fail, he would predict, “Now, THAT’S a hit!”

It was a good life, knowing my dad would always support my dreams, celebrate my successes, and be my safe harbor no matter what.

You know what happens next, though.  One night, a few hours after calling just to say hi, he died.  No warning.  No chance to say goodbye.  After a full day’s work, he simply went home, got into bed and died.  

That was ten years ago, almost to the day. I’m not going to tell you there’s no more sadness.  There will always be tears to fight back when I see father-daughter Valentine’s Day cards. I still catch myself wondering what he would have thought of something I’m doing, but I try and honor him in ways he would have liked.  I celebrate his memory with my husband and children, whom he loved deeply.  I pass down the lessons he taught me.  

My mother died ten years before him.  After months of tearful calls from me, he told me something I’ll never forget.  He said his own mother had shared these words after his beloved grandmother died.  She explained he was still Grandma’s special boy, but told him, “Life is for the living.”  

Life is for the living?  This stopped me cold.  Why, after a lifetime of constant encouragement and love, would he say something so heartless to me?  I didn’t understand at the time.  It was too soon, perhaps, to accept the gift.  He was right, of course.  What sounded void of that encouragement and love I’d come to expect was actually full of both.  He was putting me back on track.  Later I thanked him and we had a beautiful talk about losing our mothers.  I was struck at both the depth of his years-old grief as well as his ability to live fully in spite of it.  

While going through his things, I found a Valentine he made for his mother when he was five.  It was serious and mushy.  She saved it, he saved it, and now I save it.  Like the Valentine, her lessons are still in the family.

Life is for the living, I am still Daddy’s girl, and Valentines should be mushy.

-Alicia King

 Alicia and her husband, Dan, live near Nashville, TN with their always-hungry teenagers.  Alicia’s book on grief support, Sorry For Your Loss: What People Who Are Grieving Wish You Knew, is out now.  Her irreverently serious (yes, that’s oxymoronic) blog can be found here-

http://dosanddontsofgrief.blogspot.com
http://twitter.com/thegrieflady
http://www.amazon.com/Sorry-Your-Loss-People-Grieving/dp/1596527471/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpi_1

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Creating Lively Family Memoirs

By Betty Auchard | Published: February 8, 2011

Pretend that you are dead and gone.
Who were you besides what is found on your birth and death certificates?

Besides snapshots and scrapbook mementos, what will you leave behind? What will your friends and family know about you besides your name and where you lived and worked?

In my case, you don’t know that I tried to tattoo my little brother when I was five. Or that I flunked the written test twice before getting my driver’s license. I have a diploma, but owning one doesn’t prove how much I loved Englewood High School.

My marriage license doesn’t tell my grandchildren how I met their grandfather. I would love to know how my own grandparents met, but they are long gone, and now I’m not likely to find out.

So let’s get started with a favorite family story that you’ve told a million times. You want to keep your reader turning pages, not wanting the story to end. You, as the narrator, are the main character of the story. So what is your agenda? You want to include your thoughts and feelings regarding the event. An example is that as a boy in the 1960’s you wanted a hair cut like the Beatles. Your mother says no and you’ve got a conflict that needs to be resolved.

If your story is about your four-year-old self who wants to cut your baby brother’s hair, use short, simple sentences. Little kids don’t talk in complex sentences. It’s one of the many ways of revealing the age of a character.

During your story, stick with your original theme and refer back to it at the end. The beginning and end of a story are like book ends that hold the middle together. That one theme (cutting hair) includes an agenda that takes on a special power to unite and shape the story.

You also want the characters in your story to feel real, so include snippets of dialogue and action that the reader can hear and see.
“Mom slammed her fork on the table, jabbed a finger in my direction and said, ‘We’re not talking about this again. Eat your dinner. ” If the reader hears and sees the people in your story, he has a sensory experience while getting to know the character.

While remembering the theme, agenda, dialogue and internal feelings, don’t forget one more important story element–the setting. Your scene happens in a setting because a story doesn’t take place in thin air. Let the reader know indirectly that it happened at the dinner table like this: After Dad passed the mashed potatoes he asked if I wanted gravy and I said, “Yes, and I also want to get my hair cut like the Beatles.”

If you can talk you can write, so the excuse that you’re not a writer doesn’t hold. Just talk with your fingers to your notebook or keyboard. Your memories don’t need to be published to be cherished by family members who read them.

Never lose sight of the fact that you are living history, that your family’s novel lives within you, and that writing can bring your story to life forever.

About the author…
At 75, Betty Auchard wrote the IPPY Award winning memoir, Dancing in my Nightgown: The Rhythms of Widowhood, endorsed by celebrity widows Jayne Meadows and Rosemarie Stack. Last November, she released her childhood memoir, The Home for the Friendless, which The Senior Voice compared to The Glass Castle. Betty’s stories and essays have been published in the San Jose Mercury News, Today’s Senior, and Chocolate for a Woman’s Soul series. Blog with the author at www.bettyauchard.com and join her fans on Facebook.

Posted in Uncategorized | 11 Comments

Memory

By Jo-Anne | Published: January 30, 2011

If you’re After Fifty, then you have already, or are about to experience one of the realities of our generation: memory slips. If you’re brave enough to raise the issue with some well-intentioned people, they’ll pat you on the back and mutter something like, “Oh, you’re just too busy. That’s why you can’t remember where you parked the car;” or maybe even something like, “Well, you’re entering into mid-life (or menopause or whatever)… and we know that memory slips sometime happen.” But bottom line, when it really does happen to you, more than once, a certain panic can set in. Is “old age” really knocking at my door? Is this what I’m headed for…confusion forevermore??? For the majority of us, thankfully, memory slips are a natural part of aging and not necessarily a harbinger of bad news. So, sit back and watch this video: Memory – A Spoof by Pam Peterson. It should bring a real smile to your face, as maybe, just maybe, you might even recognize yourself!

Posted in Memory, aging | 3 Comments