Empty Nest Syndrome can occur when one’s chickens have totally emptied the nest. Many of us may be stunned by the fact that one day we’re tripping over Junior’s dirty laundry while the next day, Junior and his laundry have moved on. “Hooray!!!” say some – while others of us may be, well, flummoxed.

Let’s not debate if ENS really exists. Of course it does. But it can be more profound among those who are unprepared for or are in denial about events that involve inevitable change.

These After Fifty years can be are noteworthy for the numerous changes that occur. What’s probably most noteworthy, however, is how unprepared we are for many of these inevitabilities. ENS? It’s just one of many.

• From the moment our children are born, we know that the chances are pretty darn good that they’re going to grow, mature, and inevitably, hopefully, want to start lives of their own. So, why are we so “in shock” when the breakfast table is empty.
• We may still have a time-clock to punch, yet so many of us struggle with the concept of retirement. So many are unprepared for the financial, emotional, social realities of a life without the structure of a work-day to guide us.
• We’ve been watching our parents and other love ones age, many of whom have become enfeebled. We watch as family tries to come to grips with how to care for these loved ones. Yet, in spite of the drama unfolding in front of us, we put-off and ignore the fact that sooner than we think, we too will need “caring.”
• We read about it every day. The value of a healthy diet and regular exercise is enormous not only for our brain and other body parts, but also for the health of our social and emotional well-being. Yet, we don’t take action.

Why are we so unprepared for these changes? Confronting and preparing for change can be a difficult and unsettling venture. Yet we can’t hide from it – it’ll always find us.

The knights of the middle ages donned their armor when they went out to do battle. Each of us is facing our own extraordinary set of battles. So pull your head out of the sand and put on your armor. Dragons are an inevitable part of life. It’s best to be prepped.

There are hundreds of lessons to be learned from this tragedy. As an After-Fiftier, I’m struck by how appropriate these lessons are for all of us, regardless of our age. But here, below, are 5 lessons which may be especially poignant for those who are Baby Boomers or beyond.

1. Our actions are lessons absorbed by those around us.
How did you react to the news of these most recent terrorist bombings? Absolutely everything you do, you say, is being absorbed by your children, grandchildren, colleagues, and more. You might have displayed righteous indignation. And who would disagree – given the context. Think of Red Sox slugger David Ortiz and his “F”-bomb speech in support of Boston spirit, which was hailed positively by Julius Genachowski, the chairman of the Federal Communications Commission. Some things in life mandate indignation, anger. This was one of them. But I’ve gotta ask: what were the lessons that were being absorbed by the Tsarnaev brothers. Why such hatred? Why such callous disregard for the lives of others? And who? Who were their teachers? Their parents – who claim an impossible ignorance; their friends, classmates; Al Qaeda militants? Could it have been something that you – or I – did that helped spur on this hatred?

2. Life is short.
I know you’ve heard it before. Life is not a rehearsal. This is it. It’s real. And, it’s sacred. So, every one of those days you have – well, make them matter. You woke up today? Count your blessings. There are four souls who didn’t – we grieve the loss of Martin, Lu, Krystle, and Sean. You know all those things you were going to do, all those mountains you were going to climb, all those kindnesses you were going to bestow? So, what’s keeping you. What is soooo important that it’s keeping you from living your life to its fullest. This is it. Do it now!

3. “Privacy” as we knew in our youth has changed forever.
At any time, at any moment, our bodies may be frisked, patted down. The secrets held within our bags, briefcases, pocketbooks, phones, computers, paper files and electronic ones, too, may be exposed to stark, public glare. And I am willing to let it happen to me and my loved ones, first, because I (we) have nothing to hide, and second – because the safety and well-being of others may require it. So, go ahead. Frisk away. Sadly, it’s a different world. But I’ll adjust.

4. “Policing” is no longer the work of a few, trained professionals.

The quick identification and capture of the Tsarnaev brothers has demonstrated the extraordinary impact of social media and the role we all play in ferreting out the truth – regardless of how ugly it might be. But with this new-found “power-of-the-people” comes a sacred responsibility. The actions we undertake should be in the service of good, and justice, and righteousness for the betterment of us all. Those who think and act otherwise are spoilers.

5. We’re all now jugglers in the circus of life.
A successful juggler balances at least three air-borne balls at once. And now, each of us has our own “juggling” challenge. We must balance a first ball: ethnic discrimination, with a second ball: fear; and then add in the third ball: nationalism. All these interests must be appropriately tempered to maintain a righteous and dignified humanity.

Is this tough to do? Of course. But interestingly, my own son is showing me the way to balance these three competing interests during this challenging time. Here is a quote from his recent Facebook posting.

“This week has been a very intense week for Boston. Before ignorance and hate take over, please let me share a note – Student Visa’s and Immigration are not responsible for this. Ignorance and Hate are responsible for this.

My father came to America on a student visa almost 50 years ago. He was dirt poor and barely spoke English. He got a full ride at MIT because his family knew the best way to get out of poverty is through education. He has always been driven to succeed. He graduated, married my American mother, became a citizen, works for the government and served as a local politician – all because he is so grateful to have the opportunity to live the American Dream.

For all of those who believe Student Visa’s, Exchange Students and Immigration are responsible for bringing hate to America, please think of my father and his story. I love my father and I love America for embracing him and allowing his dreams to come true.”

President Barack Obama’s federal budget proposal includes a concept that should send shivers up and down our spines.

Included in the budget is a proposal for a Social Security chained consumer price index (chained CPI) to guide annual increases. Essentially, what this means is that Social Security checks would increase by 0.3 percentage points less each year. Stated another way, if the chained CPI had been in place for 2013, your SS annual cola (cost-of-living-adjustment) would have actually decreased by 18%. Right. 18%. Yes, proponents of the chained CPI are using the 0.3 percentage-point-language because, well, it sounds harmless.  But, hey, let’s realize what’s truly happening.

The problem – as After Fifty Living (AFL) sees it.

The computation of the Social Security cost-of-living-adjustment (COLA) is now, and has been computed inaccurately since the inauguration of the Program. The Social Security COLA needs to reflect the reality of the persons it protects – namely, seniors. Currently, the Social Security COLA, which for 2013 was 1.7%, is based on the increase in average wages. Yet, most Social Security recipients are not average wage-earners. Most are retirees.

AFL maintains that the market basket of wage-earners differs significantly from that of retirees/seniors. And – this market basket for wage-earners is the foundation of the COLA computation.

The overall Consumer Price Index (CPI) for the 12-months ending October, 2012 was 2.2%. So, starting right out, the 1.7% COLA for Social Security recipients was inadequate. Yes, it’s true – the price of “Food” during that period increased at 1.7%. So, if food were the only necessity of Social Security recipients, all would be fine. Significantly, however, “Medical Care Services” increased at 3.9% over the period – more than double the allotted COLA, and “Medical Care Commodities” increased at 3%.

To really get a grip on the inaccuracy of the CPI being used as the basis of the COLA, we turned to the Fed’s own Bureau of Labor Statistic’s report: Vital Health Statistics – Survey, 2011. Table 16 displays the number of hospital stays, by age group, during the 12 months in 2011. Folks aged 45 on up represented 39.4% of those surveyed (age 45-64 = 26.4%; age 65+ = 13.0%). Yet, 49.6% (almost half) of all one-night hospital stays were done by those in this age group (age 45-64 = 25.1%; age 65+ = 24.5%). More serious illness incurs more expense and requires more hospital stay. A whopping 67% of all 2-night stays were incurred by those age 45+ (age 45-64 = 32.4%; age 65+ = 34.6%) and, get ready for this, 71.1% of stays of at LEAST 3 nights were incurred by those 45+ (age 45-64 = 35.69%; age 65+ = 35.2%).

So, we’ve got to raise this question: Why are Social Security recipients getting such a rotten deal – even without implementation of the chained CPI? Answer: Because you and I (Social Security recipients or about-to-become recipients) are letting them (Washington politicians) get away with it. In other words, they’re doing it to us – because they can. And we suffer in silence.

Let’s find our voices.

Contact your senator and your representative – yeah, maybe even the President, himself!  Email a copy of this article. Tell them: “I’ve found my voice!”

Sometimes it’s tough to put thoughts together when emotions run deep. So let’s start with the story – and the facts. This is the story. Lorraine Bayless, 87, was a resident of Bakersfield’s Glenwood Gardens, an independent living facility owned by Brookdale Senior Living. She went to dinner this week and collapsed in the facility’s dining room. A nurse from the facility then called 911 for assistance. The 911 dispatcher told the nurse on the other end of the line to start CPR, but the nurse refused. According to a transcript of the call, the nurse can be heard saying, “Yeah, we can’t do CPR at this facility.”

By this time, most of us have heard the recording of this 911 call. We hear the dispatcher pleading with the nurse to find someone to do CPR and not just “let this lady die.” (If you haven’t heard the transcript, CBS News presents most of it here.)

Now, here some facts – and some comments.
1) FACT. Independent living facilities are not the same as nursing homes or assisted living facilities. They have no medical component built into their structure. A unit or apartment in an independent living facility is considered a private residence, a private “home” and they offer safety, security, and maintenance-free living. Usually there are meal-plan options.

COMMENT. Okay. You’re having dinner in your own home and some guests are present. You collapse, barely breathing. None of your guests are medical professionals or medically trained. One guest calls 911. The dispatcher tells the caller to start CPR. The caller says that he has no training. The dispatcher will most likely say, “That’s okay. I can walk you through it.” The reasonable expectation here is that the caller would proceed with CPR, giving you the assistance you need until the trained EMTs arrive. Isn’t that what you’d expect? Isn’t that a “reasonable” expectation?

POINT. Even though your own home, just like Glenwood Gardens, is not a “medical facility,” don’t you have a reasonable expectation that, if at all humanly possible, assistance will be offered to you if you are in need? The fact that Glenwood Gardens is not a medical facility just doesn’t matter.

2) FACT. Lorraine Bayless did not have a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order on file.

COMMENT. Maybe Lorraine Bayless didn’t have a DNR order on file – because she didn’t believe in them. Maybe she didn’t have one on file because she would have wanted to be resuscitated in circumstances exactly like this. The only one who can answer this though, has died. So we’ll never know.

TO DO. Educate yourself about DNRs. Start here.  And then educate the loved ones in your life. Your parents, your spouse, your kids. Educate them about what DNRs do and don’t do – and about what your own wishes are. Then find out what the wishes of your loved ones are. Don’t waste time. Get this done.

3) FACT. Most independent living facilities “do not have licenses for medical care.” In addition, most also do not have “policies to keep staffers from providing care.” (NBCNews.com 3/6/13 7:48:57 PM ET).

COMMENT. Some are saying the nurse would’ve lost her job had she allowed this woman to receive CPR. Yet Brookdale Senior Living, parent company of Glendale Gardens, stated on March 6, 2013, “This incident resulted from a complete misunderstanding of our practice with regards to emergency medical care for our residents…” Sounds like they’re washing their hands of this nurse and her complete “misunderstanding” of basic human principles.

TO DO. If your loved one resides in any sort of senior living facility, find out their policies, now. They just may be one of the few who do have policies to keep staffers from providing care.

4) FACT. The Bakersfield (CA) Police Department concluded its investigation, saying “no criminal statutes were violated in the controversial…911 call.”

COMMENT. The letter of the law was adhered to. Oh my. I had a difficult time believing this – until I explored a bit more about “good samaritans.” Here’s what I found: “A person is not obligated by law to do first aid in most states, not unless it’s part of a job description. However, some states will consider it an act of negligence though, if a person doesn’t at least call for help.”  So, the nurse skates clean because she made the call. Would love to know though, why performing emergency CPR is not part of a nurse’s job description!

TO DO. Check the Good Samaritan laws for your own state. You never know…

The Lorraine Bayless story is a moral travesty.

There are lessons to be learned here. Don’t let this teaching/learning moment slip by.

Once a week I do “bills and pills” for my aging mother. She takes 9 medications, 4 of which are over-the-counter (OTC). Of the remaining 5, one is a brand-name product. Her pharmacy benefits company would love to get her off that – and I know why. The 4 generic drugs she takes are, well, within a “reasonable” price-point for both she and the insurance company. But the price of this 5th one has me baffled. Her pharmacy benefits company says this drug costs over $1,500 per month for 30 tablets. That’s $50 per pill. No, that’s not a typo. Mother doesn’t pay the $1,500 per month charge – the insurance company does – and with a noose like that around their necks, I don’t blame them for wanting to get her off it. But, who’s nuts here? $50 a pill? Come on, now.

In a report published in November, 2012, pharmacy benefits manager Express Scripts notes the following: “the price of brand-name medicines increased more than 13 percent from September 2011 to this (last) September, which … was more than six times the overall price inflation of consumer goods. Generic drug prices dipped by nearly 22 percent.” Yes, that’s good news on the generics front. But for those who need a brand-name or a specialty drug, the rapid run-up is outrageous.

As I lay in bed last night, I had visions of $50 bills being burned in heaps and piles. And then I rolled over and gave thanks that Mother has good insurance coverage. Many are not nearly so blessed.

The “average” American adult takes 4.1 prescription drugs (according to a recent Consumer Reports’ poll – Sept, 2012). That’s quite a steady stream of income for the pharmaceutical companies, agree? So, I’m asking, why is big Pharma increasing its prices more than 6 times the increase in inflation? Yes, they fund new research – which produces new drugs. But I ask big Pharma to explain why their new research costs so much more than other R&D, manufacturing and production ventures. It doesn’t cost 6 times more than inflation to do the research that developed the IPad, or a new automobile line.

Maybe big Pharma is charging these prices…because they can. Well, gotta wonder.

DEMENTIA. You may not be at all concerned about developing Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia – today. But you should be. It’s in the back of my mind – all the time. I may have reason for concern. As he aged, my father developed vascular dementia. He died at age 89, a dear, sweet man who at that point in his life didn’t have a clue about anything going on around him. And now as my mother ages, and her short term memory issues are worsening daily, I find the “will-I-get-dementia” fear creeping up at unexpected times. A couple days ago I couldn’t recall my zip code. I sat there struggling – at a loss for those illusive 5 digits. And I wondered: was this memory lapse an indicator of bigger things to come? In the US today, 5.4M have Alzheimer’s, and 200,000 are under age 65. One American develops it every 68 seconds. Want to live to a ripe old age? Consider that half of all American’s 85+ have Alzheimer’s.

I pray I don’t develop dementia, but I do more than that. I watch my diet, exercise my body and my mind and, through reading and education, try to be proactive. One thing I don’t do, though. I don’t kid myself. While I don’t live in fear, I won’t allow an illusion that “it won’t happen,” or “a cure will soon be developed” take hold. That would just encourage inaction, lack of preparation, and future dependence. Not me. Not my style.

AGE DOESN’T MATTER.  Age does matter, a lot. And it’s not always for the better. Take employment and job-hunting. Ever try to find a job after your 50th birthday? It’s a difficult challenge and it takes After Fiftiers longer to find that job than it does younger workers. If you’ve been uninitiated into the world of recent unemployment, you may be under the illusion that the existing age-discrimination laws will protect you. Think again. And if you do find an After Fifty job, there’s a greater than 50% chance that your salary will be lower, probably significantly lower than what you were making before.

And then consider our bodies. Every day we’re a day older. Think you’ll never need a cane, or a walker, or a wheel chair or scooter to get around? Do those ads for stair lifts have you laughing? Hopefully your need for assistive devices will never become a reality. But what are you doing to make sure that’s the case? Are you under the illusion that your body doesn’t need to be maintained?

Of course age matters. It matters in employment, in the world of sports, in health, finance, and more. Facing and addressing the realities of our age will make us stronger. Don’t shrink from the challenge.

THE GOVERNMENT WILL TAKE CARE OF ME. Oh-me-oh-my. I’m not saying that Social Security is going to run dry or that Medicare will evaporate. But the current financial system in the US is very dire.  And many people in-the-know are predicting that changes to these programs is certain. Believing at this point that Uncle Sam will swoop in and save you may not be so wise.  Each of us is responsible for our own lives, our own successes and failures, our own futures. Spent your money on your kids or other family members? Thoughtful, generous – but don’t plan on re-imbursement. The difficult economy is impacting most of us and while you may be hoping that others will help you out, it may not be feasible. You’re the master of your life and the best person to count on moving forward is you.

FINALLY. I fell down a complete flight of stairs recently and I got thinking about that. Yes, I’m bruised – but maybe the reason I didn’t shatter a bone is because I’m in relatively good shape. And so I’m renewing my pledge to exercise regularly. Doing so will help not only my bones but my brain, too. And those illusive zip-code digits? I pay (a lot) for long-term-care insurance – and had thought that maybe I’d let it lapse. But that very real “memory struggle” got me thinking. I don’t want to burden my family – either physically or financially. So I’ll keep up the payments!

In the ‘60’s and 70’s we frequently chanted, “All you need is love…” But now that we approach our chronological 60’s and 70’s we face a harsh reality. Love is great – yup, can’t beat it. But the grocer, the doctor, want more than sweet lovin’ when it comes to addressing our needs. “Are you ready? Are you ready?”

I remember learning that I was pregnant with my first child. I remember pausing, clearly thinking through what kind of parent I wanted to be, what lines I wouldn’t cross, which hot coals I’d be willing to walk over in bare feet. I decided then that the most important gift I could give my child, and those who’d follow, would be the gift of self-confidence. I wanted my children to feel secure in their own skins, secure in their own decisions, secure as they made their way in this complex world that they would not only survive, but actually thrive.

And they have thrived…on their own terms, in their own ways. And now they’ve become parents themselves.

While they are assuming their roles as parents, I’m quietly hovering in the background, beaming with pride, but with a lot of question marks floating in my brain. What do I want for this newly emerging generation? It may seem like a cop out, but I am hopeful that this next generation will brim with confidence and celebrate independence, just like their parents. But…how do I convey that?

Grandparents – and parents – teach by example. So this is what I’ll promise you, my little ones. I will show by example what it means to live a life of kindness. I’ll show how to appreciate the wonders of love, celebrate the glories of an independent mind, demonstrate respect for our fellow man and his or her opinion, and appreciate both knowledge and wisdom. In the end then, maybe you, too, like your parents, will be blessed with the kind of benevolent self-confidence that will encourage and support you as you strive to make this world a better place.

1. “Spruce” Applies to More than the Tree!  Feel tired, worn-out – maybe even “old?” ‘Tis the season to do more than decorate that spruce tree sitting in the center of the room. You’re the center of your LIFE!! So spruce up! Guy or a gal, go out and get a great cut, maybe even a color. Speaking of hair, make sure it’s all under control. Nothing like nose and ear hair gone wild to spoil the image! Then visit a department store’s cosmetics section and get a make-over (and some lessons) and splurge on a couple of cosmetics that may brighten your appearance. Treat yourself to a new outfit – one you’re comfortable wearing and makes you feel like a million! Then, when you get home, go take a brisk walk for a half hour. This’ll get your blood flowing adding natural color to those cheeks. Smile – you and your tree are both sparkling!

2. Moderation – Your New “Best Friend!” You want to do more than just survive the holidays – you want to thrive and relish the memories! Yet, according to a 2004 study published in Circulation, there are more heart attack deaths on Dec. 25th than any other day; the second highest day is Dec. 26th; and the third highest is Jan 1st. So all that “thriving and relishing” isn’t going to happen if you’re hospital bound with a heart attack or are spending your hours sleeping off a hangover. That canapé and spiked eggnog may be calling to you, but YOU are the master. Sure, have a bit – a little bit – then move on and satisfy your appetite with good conversation.

3. Don’t Blow a Bundle! Tempted to spoil some friends or family members (like those absolutely adorable grandkids!!!)? Establish a holiday spending budget. Start by estimating what you think you might spend on all gifts, travel, entertainment, and personal items. Then do a reality-check. Can you really afford to spend all that money? No? Then ruthlessly cross off items that aren’t absolute “must do’s” and revise the amount you will spend on the items that remain. And stick to it! Remember, your “presence” is the best present of all. Bankruptcy court is no place to spend your New Year.

4. Censor Your Tongue! Look, there’s a lot of stress over the holidays. You can be thrown into situations with relatives you can barely tolerate, a boss who’s a belligerent bully, and friends of friends who may be anything but. So, if you don’t want to start (or encourage) World War III in the midst of the mistletoe, avoid talking about politics, religion, money, and your personal problems. If someone starts down that path, bite your tongue, excuse yourself and walk away. Yup, you can do that. It’s okay, really!

5. Adopt the Golden Rule! “Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.” If you really want to have a festive, merry, After Fifty holiday, then start by burying the hatchets in your relationships. If ever there were a season to practice tolerance and forgiveness, this is it. This is your big chance to make amends. Do it! And if you’re one of the fortunate few with no hatchets in your life, the Golden Rule still applies. Mind your manners. Engage people in conversations about their lives, their success, and their joys! Hug a kid. Pet a dog. Donate to a favorite charity. Volunteer in some way to help those less fortunate than you.

And – have a very, merry holiday season, filled with good health, friendship, and love!

Free from the need to take classes leading to a degree or that enhance my understanding of how to do a job better, now that I am After Fifty I can choose what I want to study and learn. I can take a class about something that has always intrigued me and not worry about passing or failing. No need to take copious notes that will assure a good grade in an exam. Now I can go to a class where I can really listen and think about the instructor’s comments.

As I reflect on my gifts this Thanksgiving season, I realize that the freedom to choose what and how I will study is a tremendous benefit for which I am extremely grateful. I’m also delighted to have found an environment where others are eager for on-going learning. My venue of choice is the Osher Life Long Learning Center at the University of Rhode Island because it’s near my home but primarily because the people who run the program and who give the classes are helpful, interesting and committed to providing the best possible experience to all who participate. The increased interest in learning among those who have left the full-time work force has fueled the development of Life Long Learning Centers at colleges and universities throughout the country. Libraries, too, often provide extraordinary classes and discussion groups you might want to check out.

How you decide to spend your time is purely personal, but it does seem that an increasing number of Boomers and Beyond are interested in increasing their knowledge of the world. The choice to explore technology, arts, crafts, music, literature, history, personal relations, medicine, religion or a host of other areas is limited only by your imagination. Learning is good; it keeps our minds active, it exposes us to younger people as we walk the same halls as colleges students, and it keeps our bodies active––which keeps us healthy.

Perhaps the best thank you gift we can give ourselves this holiday season is the gift of a class with our peers. What will you choose?

-  A sister-in-law I was very close to died in Nov. 2001
-  I had a mastectomy for breast cancer in Nov. 2004
-  The Gathering Inn bought its property and incorporated in Nov. 2007
-  My Mom died in Nov. 2008
-  My divorce proceedings began in Nov. 2010
-  I moved out of my home of 40 plus years in Nov. 2010
-  My new home was completed and I moved in last Nov. 2011.

And there is more. So every November, I have much to think about, much to remember that might seem sad. But what also happens is that every November contains Thanksgiving Day. A day to celebrate and give thanks for all the blessings of life! So, how do we give thanks when life throws us curveballs?

At the recent Radical Forgiveness Workshop at The Gathering Inn, we pondered the idea that perhaps events are neither good nor bad, but they are just “What Is”. They are all part of the human experience. They are opportunities to practice living from the sacred core of our beings, learn the lessons we are here to learn, and check our thoughts to find a focus on the gifts in each day and each happening and each relationship.

In the play “Hamlet”, William Shakespeare says: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” It has also been said: There is no good or bad. Our human experiences, as painful as they may seem, are not BAD, but purposeful. Consider giving thanks for the whole human experience, for without it, you wouldn’t be here.

Some find this easy to accept and some find a great deal of resistance to the concept that nothing in and of itself is bad. If that’s where you are, consider St. Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians in which he says: In everything give thanks. Notice he doesn’t say give thanks FOR everything, but rather, give thanks IN everything. So no matter whether you are of a mind to give thanks FOR or give thanks IN all things, be assured there are always gifts of grace and love…. a kind word, a healing gesture, a lesson learned, a hug, an opportunity to experience the best in our brothers and sisters, a way to reach out to a hurting world, even when we are hurting ourselves.

On the heels of Hurricane Sandy, it is easy to be grateful for the simple things in life…. electricity, heat, food, water, a working telephone, and a roof over our heads (one that hopefully doesn’t have a tree protruding through it!). So, in my November rememberings, I give thanks for the people I had an opportunity to love who enriched my life, for a home I loved for years where I grew my garden and grew my family, for my new home where I am sheltered and nurtured, for good work to do, for good health, and for all the abundance our Mother/Father God has blessed me with.

This Thanksgiving Day, may you and those whom you hold nearest and dearest enjoy a cornucopia of blessings for which your hearts will be filled with gratitude.