First, if you live long enough, something difficult, somewhere along the line, is bound to happen to you. We’re human, after all. Life isn’t always fun and roses. And that’s a “truth” you can bank on!

Second, to live reasonably during the “difficult” time, it’s important to understand the “why.” Frequently, that answer may be right in front of us, literally. Go look in a mirror. That reflection you see staring back at you? Yah, you! Honestly, now, what role did YOU play in bringing about this difficult situation?

Third, there are no “do-overs” in life. Whatever happened, happened. What was said can’t be taken back. So, after you figure out “why” it happened, get over it. And make sure you don’t repeat the same pattern again.

Fourth, WE (you, me, the guy next door), are the captains of our own ship. We get to chart the course of our lives. The sea of life may have been rocky for you up to this point, but you get to decide what direction you’re going to sail in – from this moment onward.

Fifth, Take responsibility for your own life. Stop waiting for others to do for you. Stop blaming others for your situation.

Who can forget the legal case in which a woman sued McDonald’s because McD’s didn’t “tell” her the coffee she ordered (and then put on her lap as she drove off) was hot. And I believe the fact that she won this case was a serious set-back for personal responsibility advocates everywhere. Yes, we have her to thank for the message on all our coffee cups (Caution – contents may be hot), but for heaven’s sake, what WAS she thinking??? So let’s not cop-out and blame all the McD’s in this world.

If you’re over-weight, Paula Deen isn’t force-feeding you. If you drink too much, or you need to stop smoking, or there are other things going on in your life that need to change, remember, that change begins with you. YOU.

I beg your pardon? Old people?? Not liking change?? How ignorant, how bigoted, and how absolutely wrong can one be. Who’s supposedly old? And change? Whaddya mean, we don’t like it?

Let’s take the “like” part, first. According to US Census data, Boomers and After Fiftiers comprise approximately 38% of the US resident population (about 113,000,000 people). If we were to take the Yahoo! News caption at face value, you would expect that Boomers and After Fiftiers would be under-represented online as well as in social media. After all, using technology represents change, but, according to Yahoo!, that’s something we don’t like. Yet, as of the 12 weeks ending January 28, 2012, we old folks represent 43% of the online population. Yup, Yahoo!, proportionally, there are more Boomers and After Fiftiers online than our younger counterparts! And as for social media, we rock! Remember, we’re 38% of the US population – yet 59% of those using Linkedin are in our generation. As to other social media outlets, here are the stats (ending January 28, 2012): Facebook, 39%; Google+ 33%; and Twitter, 29%.

We like AND we adopt change. Case closed. What we don’t like is being forced to do something which, based on our maturity, experience, and wisdom, is a bad idea. Forcing Timeline upon users is a bad idea. It may be a cool feature, but Facebook shouldn’t play god. We can see the damage this feature can propagate. It should be our choice – and if you don’t give us choice, well, someone else will recognize this market opportunity and provide that choice to us!

Now let’s take the “old” part. Yes, it’s true. Being 50 or 60 is not as youthful as being 20 or 30. In other words, being 50+ is not green and untested. But it’s not shriveled and dried out, either. To assume so is a huge mistake. Haven’t you heard? “50 is the new 40, 60 is the new 50!”

So,Yahoo! News, shame on you. By allowing this statement to appear on your pages, you foster and encourage a form of discrimination that’s insidious. And, along with that, it’s just plain false.

I’ll shorten the long, perplexing story. Our friend, our bright, well-educated, financially-comfortable friend was the victim of identity theft. The thieves, with his Social Security number in hand, “filed” a federal return claiming a significant refund. They got a refund, and our friend got a headache – a huge one.

According to USA Today (February 1, 2012, Money, 1B), the IRS stopped over 260,000 fraudulent returns in 2011 (up from approximately 50,000 fraudulent returns in 2010). This is a multi-billion dollar growing problem. And the problem is not just one for the Feds – it’s one for you and me, too. Identity theft is a nasty, horrible mess to have to deal with.

How do the thieves get your (or your parents’) Social Security numbers? You (or your parents) probably gave it to someone (a hospital, a bank, a school….) and a rogue employee “sold” it to the identity thieves. So, here are some suggestions for going forward.

-     Invest in a shredder. You can get an excellent one for under $100.

-     Don’t give your Social Security number to anyone – especially someone calling you over the phone or contacting you by email.

-     If someone, like a hospital emergency room, wants your number, tell them they can have your state-issued driver’s license number or state-issue identity number.

-     Shred any documents you have that contain your SSN. Don’t throw these documents into your trash. An exception might be copies of your Federal and state taxes going back for the past seven years. If your tax copies are older than that, and you’re disposing them, then SHRED them, first.

-     Check the security of your parents’ identity or the identity of other aging loved ones in your life. You’ll remember that up until about 15 years ago, SSN’s were used on all kinds of documents with regularity. Our elderly may not be as “in tune” with the insidiousness of identity theft as their younger friends and family. So, educate them!

-     Check your credit score. See if there are any accounts that have been opened that you don’t recognize.

Be careful out there.  It can get scary!

Examining the metric, “duration of unemployment,” helps shine some light on this issue.  If age “doesn’t matter” when you’re seeking employment, then there shouldn’t be any significant difference among various age groups in the length of time it takes a job seeker to find that employment. In other words, it should theoretically take a 34 year-old job seeker as long to find a job, on average, as it takes a 54 year-old job seeker. But….that’s not the case. An AARP report issued last April, based on information from the Bureau of Labor Statistics, states that “once unemployed, older workers are, on average, out of work longer than their younger counterparts…(The) average duration of unemployment for jobseekers aged 55 and over was 53.6 weeks, or more than one year. This is compared to 39.4 weeks for the younger unemployed.”

What does that statement say to you? Yup, that’s right. Age discrimination is real. But let’s not sit back and purse our lips into a collective groan. Other reports indicate that employers are requiring that job applicants have increasing technological knowledge, skill and experience. Are we giving these employers a reason not to hire us?

And so let me state the obvious. Want to work in a 21st century environment? Then you’ll need a 21st century portfolio of skills. This isn’t an easy pill to swallow. But if you’ve made it this far in life, the chances are pretty good that you, too, can master the necessary skills to navigate sites liked LinkedIn with the best of them.

Don’t waste time groaning about how unfair life can be. Instead, celebrate your ability to undertake new projects and develop the skills necessary to put yourself on an even footing with the rest of the job market. Or, at least try to make it as “even” as possible.

Paterno continued winning not only football games, but the hearts and souls of the entire Penn State community. Mr. Ethics. Mr. Do-It-The-Right-Way. And, he thought he had done just that. So when the Sandusky scandal broke, Paterno seemed almost perplexed by the actions of the Penn State Trustees who decided to hand him his walking papers.

Joe got fired. Unceremoniously, without regard to past achievements, Paterno got axed.

Being fired or let go from your job is one of the really big, life-altering, heart-stressing events one can experience. It’s in the same group of “stressors” that includes experiencing the death of your child. Those who have been there know what I speak of. Did he seethe with brimming, raw anger underneath his calm exterior? He must have. He was human – even though in so many ways he seemed bigger than life. Shortly after his firing, he said, “Right now, I’m not the coach. And I’ve got to get used to that.” But how many people can really, really, really get “used to” the insult, the humiliation of being a scape-goat.

Joe was diagnosed quickly thereafter with lung cancer and in about 2-month’s time, he died. Doctors say it was the result of complications of the cancer. But those in his world know the truth. Joe was axed-to-death.

Some will say that the boys who suffered abuse by Sandusky were traumatized also. Of course they were. Absolutely. And that’s what’s difficult about this story.  There are no winners. None.

And another article, seemingly unrelated, says that for the first time in generations, longevity (yours and mine) may decline. We’re heavier than ever, we just don’t exercise, and some of our habits are not only vile, but life-threatening, too.

And I think these two articles are related. Cars and people have a lot in common. We both have limited life-spans. We both could probably extend those life spans if what needs to be taken care of is done on schedule.

We’re After Fifty (for the most part). The clock is ticking. And I have a simple goal. I want to dance at my grandchildren’s weddings. Since the grandkids are very young, I may not be able to drive to their weddings in my 2001 CRV, but regardless of how I get there, I plan to celebrate in style. And so I will do the human equivalent of getting my oil and filter changed – I’ll watch my diet more rigorously and exercise more faithfully. It’s working for the CRV, it just might work for me, too!

Stormy weather.

Yesterday, while walking in a public building, my eyes glanced to a monitor on the wall. It was displaying a saying by Norman Cousins and I stopped to make sure I “absorbed” the message. The saying, “Life is an adventure in forgiveness,” raised my spirits. Isn’t it wonderful to think that we humans really and truly spend time forgiving each other. Or is that pure naiveté speaking. I’m After Fifty, after all. In reality, it’s tough to forgive, tough to move on, tough not to lash out. But after a few minutes, I concluded that it’s even tougher to NOT to forgive, NOT to move on, and lashing out??? No one is a better person when that happens.

So here’s my adaptation of Mr. Cousins’ wonderful saying: It’s a good life that is spent forgiving.

I moved on with my day but toward early evening I got a call. A considerably younger female friend was on the other end, and while she tried to muffle her sobs, you could tell her heart was breaking. She and her significant other had a falling out – more serious than any she had ever experienced. Now over the previous month this couple had experienced great personal trauma as well as professional devastation. No wonder nerves were frazzled and edgy. “My dear,” I said, “forget the ‘I said, he said’ stuff. Remember one thing. You are in a partnership. This individual is your most significant partner. You need to treat him like fine china, like shining crystal. And let him know that since you are partners, you look forward to him treating you the same way.” And then, Norman Cousin’s saying popped into my head. “Life is indeed an adventure in forgiveness. So forgive him. And move on. Remember, you’ve both had a very difficult time recently. And you need to be very gently with each other. You are both healing. So part of that healing process – forgive the foolishness. It was just a blip on the screen of life.”

Almost 36 hours later she called to offer thanks for the advice. Things were significantly better. “Don’t thank me,” I said. “Thank yourself. Thank yourself for being open to forgiveness. And oh, Norman Cousins – give him a pat on the back!”

Diller asserts that the phrase “midlife crisis” in outdated, emotionally charged, and just plain inaccurate. She proposes instead that we use the phrase, “emerging maturity” when referring to that time of life in which we experience “a heightened awareness of the many years that lie ahead, and a wish to bring fulfillment to the rest of the journey.” We all have, in Diller’s words, an “Uh-Oh” moment in which we must accept that we are moving on. If we’re “wise,” we acknowledge the uh-oh moment and pull-over on the roadway of life, and take a breather while we seek guidance and try to figure out what makes most sense for the next part of the journey. Okay. This is how life should work. Things should be thoughtfully planned and researched so that wisdom prevails. Maybe if that’s all there was to this article, I’d say, “Nice try, Vivian. But real people don’t live like that.” In real life, as we all know too well, wisdom doesn’t always win out over foolish mistakes and horrible blunders.

The saving grace, though, is when Vivian says that the “uh-oh” moment in Emerging Maturity may be filled with frightening emotion reminding us of the “fragility of life.” She promises in a future article to discuss how we can effectively deal with all this and thereby “resolve” our emerging maturity and avert crisis.

Back to my phone call. The phone call is from a friend who is a single parent. She started her family in her late 30’s and she currently works two jobs to put 2 of her children through college. Anyway, “Mary” is weaving wildly through traffic trying desperately to make it to the hospital. Her oldest, 21, a college student, has been admitted. He’s had a complete psych breakdown and on top of that, he’s loaded with drugs and is going through withdrawal. She doesn’t know where to turn or what to do. Maybe if Mary lives through this, she’ll recognize it as one of Diller’s Uh-Oh moments, because it sure is filled with frightening emotion. But Mary doesn’t have time to pull over on the roadway of her life to ponder and/or come to terms with whatever. And I bet that most of the frazzled, overworked, exhausted single parents out there don’t have the time or the patience for pondering either.

So, I’m concluding that dealing effectively with the realities of aging, which is really what Diller means by “resolving emerging maturity,” is actually a luxury that’s experienced only by a very limited few. I hope I’m wrong. I want all the Mary’s out there to have satisfying mature years. But with all due respect, Dr. Diller, I just don’t believe you’ll be able to develop the magic potion that will enable us all to “survive midlife without a crisis.” For some, life’s roadway is too badly littered.

Message One: Your looks shouldn’t matter. They are superficial. It’s what is inside that counts. Stay true to your real self. Let your looks take their natural course as you age.

Message Two: Your looks should matter and they always will. Defy aging at whatever the cost, in any way you can, lest you become invisible. Oh, and be sure to make it look natural!

Being an After-Fiftier, I have a number of years of good, hard living under my belt. And I have learned that life is rarely well-represented by the black and white picture being painted by Dr. Diller in her messages above. So, this is where Diller and I would come to blows. I believe there is a third message, a third philosophy to consider. Here goes.

Message Three: Your looks matter and they always will. So do your best to maintain your health, fitness, and wellness levels. When your emotional and physical health is well maintained, your appearance will be naturally optimized for you, which, in turn, will help to optimize other aspects of your life.

Human intervention has almost always been appropriate when it comes to significant life concerns. We establish schools and require our children to attend them. So, we “intervene” in childhood in order to produce a better prepared society. We establish hospitals and allow our citizens to receive treatment within them. Medical intervention in cases of illness and accident are almost always appreciated and welcomed. But it is intervention, nevertheless. We establish traffic lights and traffic rules so we can travel reasonably well from point A to point B.
Message One says that looks are superficial. It’s what’s inside that counts. This message is partially true and is partially false. Sure, what’s inside counts – that’s important. But what’s outside matters, too. If you haven’t done what you need to do to maintain the body (proper diet, exercise, rest, and more) then the body breaks down and is unable to function. And then, well, you know what happens. And it doesn’t matter what was inside, because the body, including its insides, dies off.

I believe a far better message for Boomer Women AND Boomer Men, is to live a healthy lifestyle. People with well-integrated, healthy psyches rarely are distracted by attempts to make them look 30 or 40 years younger than their true age. And people who eat well-balanced meals, exercise, and get their rest usually have wonderful posture, and portray equally wonderful mindsets and outlooks. And, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being vital and vibrant – or looking wonderful, for that matter. Vitality and vibrancy do indeed come from within and reflect how we have both treated and cared for ourselves.

So, let’s hear it for Message Three! Life, like hair color, is rarely all the black and white portrayed by Messages One and Two. Let’s hear it for a little gray!

I’m a proud member of the generation for whom wrinkles are overtaking smooth acreage on the body. When the wrinkles first started to appear, I would say, with certain loftiness, “I’m proud of every one of them! For the most part, they were formed as a result of genuine concern I had for a fellow member of the human race.” But let’s be honest. The appearance of these wrinkles also causes me to be “discounted.” Ever walk into a room full of people you’ve never met who are primarily 40 and under? If so, you know what I mean. And bottom line, I don’t like being discounted before I’ve been given a fair shake.

I was at a local pharmacy the other day when in walked a woman who turned heads as she walked by. She was tall – and stood tall (always love to see that) and straight. She had a full head of short, magnificently cut all-white hair. And she was dressed wonderfully in youthful, colorful clothing. From a distance she looked 40-something. But as she came closer, something wasn’t quite right. The face had been pulled too taut, one time too many. And the clothing stopped looking wonderful. Instead it looked silly on someone who was probably mid-to-late 70’s. And I silently whispered under my breath, “Please, Jo-Anne, don’t ever do this.” I felt the same way I feel when I see someone drive by in a Hummer…a lot of pity.

So, this is what I’ve concluded. Given the alternative, being my/our age is a pretty good thing. Cosmetic surgery will probably not be in my future. If cosmetic surgery is part of your life, well, good for you. Just remember the lady in the pharmacy. Know when “enough is enough.” In the meantime, I’m going to get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water, eat fruits and veggies, and adhere to an exercise routine. And, I’m going to practice “age-pride.” I’ll learn to ignore (with grace and class, of course) the snubs of those who are foolish enough to discount me and my peers simply because of the wrinkles. Maybe I’ll just attribute their foolishness to their inexperienced youth!